Your Smile On Fire

ERIKA!!!!

(and whoever else might be interested)

I just found the most amazingly dorky thing ever!! The BSC wikipedia! No, not kidding!

Haha. Yay. :)

Oh and also? I always knew those girls went through 8th grade a little too often, but until I found this site I never realized they repeated the eighth grade TEN TIMES. Omg. I mean, I loved eighth grade and all (not kidding) but TEN TIMES? By the time the series ended they should have been TWENTY-THREE.

Haha you can probably expect a lengthier BSC post later on. Because I'm cool like that.

Blogger's block blogger's block blogger's block!

Stream-of-consciousness writing, anyone? Ha, this is the type of writing I usually resist because, hello, I can't stand not using correct punctuation and stuff and going back and deleting the words I don't like. I enjoy being able to edit myself although really I am a terrible editor if I wait until I'm finished to do it.

     But here goes nothing...

 ok guys, I can't do this. I have to actually be able to write stuff, not just WHATEVER-IS-ON-MY-MIND.

Oh mann, here's the song White Flag by Dido. Ah I love this song sooo much.

In other news:

• The B52's new cd, Funplex, is coming out the 25th. And I have a babysitting job on Wednesday so I'll actually be able to buy it. Yay! Although really I should probaby get my parents something for their (very belated) wedding anniversary, right? I mean even though they keep saying OH NO DON'T FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TO GET US ANYTHING... I still should. Right? Right?
• But I'm probably going to get myself the cd. I can't decide on what to get them anyways. Any ideas? AND PLEASE DON'T LEAVE IDEAS IN THE COMMENTS BECAUSE MY MOMMY READS THIS BLOG AND THAT DEFEATS THE PURPOSE. If you have a stellar idea, just email it to me plz kthx. jordynt[at]redthebook[dot]com
• Also I am looking for book recommendations. Feel free to leave these in the comments. No fantasy please and no scifi because I am woo, very picky about my scifi. But anything else YA plus exceptional books for grown people and good nonfiction. I am open to ideas, really I am.
• I CURRENTLY HAVE NO DOOR! I don't want to blame this on my sister, but, well, it did come off its hinges when she touched it. She doesn't know her own power. (And yes, all jokes aside, she really is freakishly strong.) But really I miss having a door. My dad suggested putting beads up, "like a hippie," and while I am fully open to the hippie idea I actually don't like the fact that there's nothing stopping people from WALKING RIGHT THOUGH those beads. So yeah, hopefully my dad will fix the door.
• I feel like making playlists for myself.

Ok well. Ttfn, as Tigger would say.

Hello friendlies!

I'm in the exceedingly rare position of having nothing I want to write about. At least, nothing I want others to read. I'm tempted to just plop some quotes down and call it a day.

     But I won't.

     Because I am oh-so-committed to being a blogging fanatic. And plus my fingers like to go typey typey typey. It's like how some people have those little squishy stress balls... I have typing.

In a related story, you know what book I saw at Barnes and Noble yesterday!? (This will register with no one but who cares?)

     THE SEQUAL TO SILVERWING!! And I almost bought it. Almost. But then I didn't.

Wow this was pointless.

So tonight my mom spent her time reading my blog. How lovely. Hi mom!

In other news, it occured to me a few days ago that a particular odd phenomenon (sp) has an odd habit of happening to me. I call it THE APOLOGY PHENOM and it goes like this: someone will do something that makes me feel angry/sad/betrayed/unsure/some other negative emotion. It'll be someone I consider at least relatively close to me and it'll be something that I don't just forget about. Something that really bothers me, really messes me up. Often there will be a fight about it. A large one.

     And then, like MONTHS later, out of the blue, they apologize. We'll be having lunch or driving in the car or talking on msn and all the sudden they'll be all, "Hey remember when I..." and apologize. In like the nicest, most sincere way possible. This has happened at least three times that I can remember off the top of my head. And two of them happened in the last three months.

     I don't know, I just find it weird. Has this happened to anyone else or just me?

I often seperate my life, if I haven't told you before, into the BEFORE and AFTER. Before the move. After the move. The move is the defining event though. So it makes sense that many of the quotes I have would relate to that.

And here they are. The moving quotes:

I vaguely hoped that someone would come up and talk to me. I imagined the conversation:

     "Hey. Is this your first year?"

     "Yeah. Yeah. I'm from Florida."

     "That's cool. So you're used to the heat."

     "I wouldn't be used to this heat if I were from Hades," I'd joke. I'd make a good first impression. Oh, he's funny. That guy Miles is a riot.

      That didn't happen of course. Things never happened like I imagined them.

from LOOKING FOR ALASKA

Jamie giggled, "Yeah, I guess homesickness is like sucking your thumb. It's what happens when you're not very sure of yourself."

from FROM THE MIXED-UP FILES OF MRS. BASIL E. FRANKWEILER

They looked shallow, self-absorbed. And a small, strangled part of me envied them.

from SCRIBBLER OF DREAMS

It acted as a kind of pacifier in moments like these. A reminder that wherever I went, I was still me.

from I WAS A NON-BLONDE CHEERLEADER

It didn't feel like my world. It felt more like a dream. Something temporary.

from BRUNETTES STRIKE BACK

Carmen didn't like change and she certainly didn't like endings.

from THE SECOND SUMMER OF THE SISTERHOOD

The memories have become fuzzy around the edged, as all of them do, glorified in a process that began the moment we stepped onto the plane, away from the messy success of finding ourselves.

from RED

I've wrote a lot about the move. In emails to friends, in my journal, in word documents printed up and folded and hidden. I always think - like with a few other things in my life - that I'm done writing about it. That this is it. I'm really done this time. But there are some things, things like the move for me, parents' divorce for others, the breakup of a relationship for some, that are so huge and so defining and so momentous that as much as you go over it... it never really seems over.

     When I moved I would have thought it would be the first year that would be difficult. Getting settled. New school, new group of people, new neighborhood. But it didn't happen like that. Three years (or close enough) later and I still feel "in transition" in some ways. Except now the slate isn't quite so blank. I've gone through friends, forging new friendships that deflated like a balloon when you let it go before tying it. It's gotten to the point where I look around and I don't see anyone that I haven't tried (and failed) at being friends with. Some of the friendships never got off the ground, some briefly (very briefly) soared, some sort of faltered all along. And now I have all these histories with people. Guys I used to like, girls I remember hanging out with once or twice, social events where I didn't exactly make the best impression. And on and on.

Don't mistake this for a pity post, because it's not. It's just me, musing about the move. (Which, for some odd reason, I keep spelling MOVIE. Weirdness.) But I have thought maybe there's something wrong with me? Like something in me incapable of keeping friendships alive, incapable of actually making friends?

     But that can't be it, can it? Because I'm capable of making friends. Really I am. Why not here though? Is it because I am inherently un-socal? Is it because I have nothing to contribute to conversations of hair dye and makeup? It's not because the first time I heard someone say they wanted to work at the Mac counter I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY MEANT... is it? I mean, seriously. Those are pretty weak and pathetic reasons. And I KNOW not everyone here is the same. So why does it seem like it? Why does it seem like there's one mold for everyone else in my geographic location and then another mold for me? And worst of all, what if it's not about where I live? What if I'm just a cynical, uggy, WEIRD girl who will never fit in anywhere ever again?

Ash's townie idea is looking pretty good right about now. (haha)

Hello! Spring break is here!

Woot woot!

In other news, I'm at the marvelous word count of 10,570 for my novel in progress. And yes, I still need to send out the query letters for my last novel. The sad thing about this is that I HAVE THEM ready to go. THEY ARE SITTING ON MY COMPUTER, ready to be emailed or shipped off to wherever they go. And I've had them ready since the beginning of the year. So, uh, why haven't I sent them?

Possible explanations:

• Most obvious possibility is the fear of rejection. Which is pretty stupid because I'm just assuming rejection anyways.
• Less obvious is the fear of success, which is rediculous. Because though I have been afraid of MANY MANY MANY things, success has never been one of them.
• Procrastination. Hm, I never much thought of myself as a procrastinator, but it's possible.
• THEY AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH. Yep, it's this one.

I always think my writing is the suck. I mean, I like it ok but I never really think it's any good. After I sent Amy my essay I wrote back to her saying how awful I just realized it was, and I sent her another one. Which, by the way, I also thought was pretty awful after I reread it.

But yeah. I should definitely send those letters out.

Haha, ok. I haven't put any quotes up here in a while so I figure it's time. Unfortunately I returned my library book before I remembered to get the good quotes from it, so blah for that. But anyways. I was reading A Little Friendly Advice (link to review) and this quote popped out at me, for obvious reasons if you've read my essay (and I'm assuming you have):

Historically, Mom has exploited gift-buying opportunities as chances to make me more girly.

Next quote. From How I Live Now. Which was a wonderful, but more-than-slightly disturbing book. And this quote, regardless of what it's about, just struck me as being hilarious.

I was pretty far gone, but not so far gone that I thought anyone with half a toehold in reality would think what we were doing was a good idea.

Very funny stuff.

OHMYGOSH I AM SICK OF RADIO COMMERCIALS FOR SHANE CO!!!

So today I was in English class and I don't really remember what exactly made me think of this but all of the sudden it was in my head. How we're always defining people, how quickly we peg a person as this or that, how we box people in so soon after meeting them - or even just seeing them.

And then I thought how cleanly I fit into those boxes people are always put into. How nicely others can peg me, how accurately they can judge me. I am the quiet one, I am the smart one, I am the bookworm, I am the nice one, I am the girl next door. And I wonder: does this make me better or worse? Why aren't I one of those people who dispels all stereotypes and refuses to fit cleanly into the boxes they are shoved? And would it be better or worse if I were like that?

     I was in a math class in tenth grade, Geometry. Usually I'm good at math but that class really took it out of me. It would have helped, of course, if the teacher had known how to teach, but whatever. Since about the ninth grade I've had a habit of getting really crappy math teachers. Anyways, it was in that class, after getting a C on the test, that the guy next to me made the following observation. He said, "You're one of those people who looks smarter than you are." Gee, thanks. I could have followed that twisted logic and decided that he meant I was both stupid and ugly, but instead I just sat there. Absorbing the words. Not the not-smart part, I didn't care too much about that seeing as how he wasn't exactly someone to talk. But the other part. The looking-smart part.

Brown hair.

Brown eyes.

Skinny.

Plain.

He was right about part of it at least - I do look smart. The fact that I almost always have a book in my hand doesn't exactly dispel the notion either.

And then I started thinking how everything I am can be fit, so nicely, into a box. Smart. Plain. Bookworm. Quiet. Overachiever. Nice. Spiritual. Polite. The whole big-sister/little-mother complex, depending on how you view it. They all fit into boxes, so nice and tidy. I see them lined up in rows in my mind, like the orgizational baskets my mom has in the pantry.

     Then I thought: is it this that makes me blend, makes me invisible, makes me fade into the background? Is it because everyone sees me so well that they don't even have to look, don't have to notice? Is there any part of me that DOESN'T fit into a box?

So you guys tell me: is there anything about me, any facet, that doesn't fit nicely into that box? Am I at all different, unique, to use Dani's word... extraordinary?

Something to blog about... something to blog about... something to blog about...

     Yeah, can't think of anything.

But I have newsies!

• I am OFFICIALLY a book reviewing type person. With a wordpress site and everything! (www.pagenumbered.wordpress.com)
• Also I am being all Shelfie like at www.shelfari.com. Friend me!
• My bathroom is BEAUTIFULLY DECORATED.

And also I is a very tired girl. And partially kinda feeling sick for the last few days. SO SCHOOL TOMORROW WILL BE FUN!! Kidding, very kidding.

     I would try to be, you know, like I usually am. But I just can't be right now.

So another list? Ok if you insist.

     SILLY THINGS I IS VERY EXCITED ABOUT:

• The B52s are coming out with a new album! It is called Funplex!
• Have I mentioned the Get Smart movie lately? Because woo I will go see that one ALONE if I can't force Tay into coming with.
• My many books yet to be read.
• American Idol. The SonnyD look-alike got booted off, which was SO NOT COOL. My favorite girl is Brooke White and my favorite guy is Michael Johns. Or whatever that Aussie guy's name is.
• Wednesday, child development class, the toddler observation. Yay for kids!
• Oh and also, making my dad laugh when I told him I always have to lock all the doors at night because "no one but me seems to care if I get killed."

Ok bye byes.

This just in: Friday Night Lights is getting a third season! Yay! I don't know if anyone else watches this show (but I know author Ally Carter does from her blog, lol) but it is total awesomeness. Like, awesome squared or something.

YAYAYAYAYAY!!

Yesterday I went to Barnes & Noble. And I bought lots! Thanks to the mega gift card bought with Marriot Reward points, I got four books and the Juno soundtrack. Woot woot!

In other news, I'm still trying to be better. At everything. My spirituality, turning my negative veiws positive, not dwelling on the missing social life, not letting others' negativity have such powerful effects on me.

This is something I've always had problems with, letting the emotions of others rub off on me. It's like I have an invisible link to each person in my family, each person close to me. I've become honed in, especially recently, on the feelings and attitudes of my family. I can tell by the way my Dad shuts the kitchen cabinets what state of mood he's in, by the particular pitch of my mom's voice whether or not she's upset, by the way my sister moves if she's mad or happy. I've become an expert on it, watching for the signals and tuning into the exact moment that the mood of any one of them turns sour.

     And unfortunately for me I am tied to my family, attached to them by an invisible, unbreakable link. It is nearly impossible for their moods, their attitudes, to not rub off on me. When my dad is worried, I get worried. When my mom is upset, I get angry. When Taylor's sad, I feel sad for her. And I'm trying to break that, trying to realize that they all say things they don't mean when they're upset, that everything we do is tainted by emotion, that just because my parents are my parents and I look up to them doesn't necessarily mean I should be a part of their frustrations with life. I have a hard time remembering that I don't have to worry (and probably shouldn't, for my mental/emotional health) about the same things my parents do.

     I notice when the mood changes, when the air becomes toxic, when the stress of life is overtaking my family, and I slip out. I retreat to my room and look for some good music. I listen to Avril Lavigne or Rodney Atkins or the soundtrack to West Side Story, and I write or I read. And I try to block everything out. I know this is feeble, I know it can be looked at as a way of running away from reality and that there's no way I can escape stress. But I also know I'm eighteen. I know I don't want to worry about everything yet and I know I have a predisposition to. Not to worry about the big things, like the economy or the war or shootings on TV, but about the littler things. I worry about my parents and my sister, my cousins, my grandparents. I worry about how long it's going to take me to get through school and the fact that I still don't have a job. I take on the worries of everyone I care about, as if I can do anything about them.

     But I can't.

So I run away. And maybe it's feeble and maybe it's stupid. But then again, maybe it's smart. Maybe it's a way to physically REMOVE myself from the things I worry about, from the extra stresses I don't need to have. When I get worried I get dizzy, it gets hard to breathe, I grind my teeth together and have to remind myself I'm not falling apart, I'm just freaking out. If I can prevent that from happening, if I can block out the stuff I shouldn't be worrying about and save myself... why shouldn't I?

It was a year ago today (and no, I don't REMEMBER this, I had to look back through old emails to Mich to find it out) that I realized for really reals it would be worth 4+ years of extra schooling to teach kindergarten.

Also a year ago today I heard this little exchange on the radio... (they were asking people to say what their obsessions were)

Radio DJ: What's your obsession?

Guy Who Called In: Well, I don't know if I would call it an obsession, but I do know that before I started playing World of Warcraft I used to do other things.

Yeah, that had me laughing.

Yesterday I was thinking of something to blog about but now I've forgot what it is. My mind is not exactly working at top speeds today. Neither is the rest of me, seeing as how I've spend the grand majority of the day in bed. Yesterday was weird, and not exactly a good weird.

Well. Maybe both.

The Bad Things:

• I found out it's going to take FOUR MORE SEMESTERS before I can transfer. *sigh* If I look at the fact that that's TWO MORE YEARS before I even get to university, it's daunting. But maybe if I just take each semester as it comes it won't be so bad? Here's to hoping.
• I got a 72 on my first english paper. Which considering I've got high B's/A's in all my other classes, this is very bad news. Grr. Plus, as has been pointed out to me before, I'm kinda hard on myself and don't do too well with mistakes.
• It was brought to my attention that I've spent so long WITHOUT friends that I've really grown accustomed to it, I've overcompensated by acting like I don't care. And that's just annoying. Because while one part of me really truly DOESN'T care, the other part of me is all YOU'RE EIGHTEEN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING SPENDING ALL YOUR TIME HANGING OUT WITH YOU SISTER AND DOING SCHOOLWORK AND FUTILY JOB HUNTING!? HAVE SOME FUN! AND I DON'T MEAN SITTING ALONE WRITING!

And Now For The Good Things:

• I talked to a friend (a friend from here! yay!) that I hadn't talked to (at least more than a few words) in way too long. And it was good. It was encouraging really.
• I went to Target (please please please never pronounce it Tar-jay) and looked at stuff for my new bathroom. Yay! But I didn't buy anything because I kind of trust whatever I brought home would get the NUH-UH THAT DOESN'T MATCH look from Mom and Tay.
• And something else good that was kind of an apology/ kind of a thank-you. So yayness for that.

M: !!! :) :)

H: *&%%#^

M: ??

H: !!!!!! ... blahblahblah

M: *grrr* :(

H: *grr* blahblahblah

M: blahblahblah *slam!*

Kudos to you if you understand any of this coded cryptic rambling. Because seriously I just had to write SOMETHING about it even if it makes no sense to anyone else.

I'M GIVING YOU THE BIZZER SIGN....

.... on your wedding day.

(Ya I was just thinking about that today.)