Instead of a word of the day I'm starting off with a quote for today:
"And more than that I am a good and kind person. I am a person that cleans up behind myself. I am a person that cooks well. And you, you are an unbelieveable slob. A slovenly, angry intern. I am Preston Burke. And you, you are the most competitive, most guarded. most stubborn, most challenging person I have ever met. And I love you. What the hell is the matter with you that you won't just let me?" -Grey's Anatomy
I've been having such a good week, which is very abnormal for me because usually something goes horribly wrong and my weeks just drag on. So I sort of expected that the good stuff about this week would stop eventually. I've been not too sad about Sarah Bradford, I've been doing well in classes, I've been hanging out with friends, and I've been talking to friends from home. I was just sort of drifting along like a boat does on relatively calm waters, and now it's as though I've hit a sand bar and I can't go forward or backward I have to sit and wait until the water gets high enough again that I can begin to drift away.
I know I talk about McDreamy a lot, and I guess I should take a moment to explain our relationship. I liked him the beginning of my Senior year of high school, and he led me on and made me believe he liked me back and then started dating someone else. I got sad and did what I always do, which is stupid and immature and I really need to stop doing it, I rebounded. I kissed someone and ended up dating someone I didn't really like and then grew to love him after, I just didn't feel like being alone after McDreamy did this to me. Fourteen months later my boyfriend and I broke up three days before Christmas, and I was crushed, I had never spent so much time devoted to one person before and the reason he broke up with me I thought was stupid. So I began spending more time with McDreamy again and he was really nice to me, he took care of me when I was at my worst.
We kissed on New Years Eve, one of those kisses where you don't want to come up for air ever. You feel as though the entire world except for that person has gone away, you can look into their eyes and nothing else matters. We slept next to each other and held hands all night, and part of me was worried that he'd wake up and not feel the same way. Sometimes holidays are just hard on people and they make split second decisions to make themselves feel better, I know I do that on non-holidays, so I was afraid he would think he'd made a mistake. When he woke up he still held my hand, and he kissed me good morning. We didn't start dating because I was going back to college and he was still in high school, and because I was in college in Florida and he was in New Jersey he thought the distance was too much. He had a rocky relationship before because of distance and he just didn't want to do it. Part of me understood, and part of me didn't.
Soon after I found out he was dating someone and didn't tell me about it, I was angry. Insanely angry, I couldn't function without being angry at him. When I came home for spring break he acted as though nothing was wrong and treated me like he did when I was home for winter break. He told me he was breaking up with his girlfriend, not to get together with me but so that he could try and get back together with his ex-girlfriend who happened to be one of my friends. They got back together and I had a rough time because even though I had feelings for McDreamy I tried to ignore them and still be his friend. His girlfriend, let's call her LK, had issues with me spending so much time with him because she felt that she had to compete with me for his attention. I can't blame her for feeling that way because there were multiple times that he blew her off to hang out with me and didn't tell her that he was spending time with me. I came home for Summer break and I realized I still had feelings for him, so I told him about it and told him to tell me that it was never going to work out between us because he was dating LK. All he responded with was "yeah" and got out of the car and walked into his house.
A couple months later McDreamy cheated on LK, not with me because I'd never do something like that but with someone else. He didn't tell me about it, I had to hear about it from LK. We had a big falling out at this point, I was insanely angry with him not only for doing that to her but for not telling me about it. He called me his best friend and then didn't tell me about something huge that had happened in his life. Later, the last day I saw him before he went away to college, he told me that the reason he didn't tell me about what happened was because he was afraid I'd think of him differently. He went away to college and LK broke up with him, which he blamed on me because I told her it would probably be a good idea when she brought it up. So right now McDreamy is about 1,000 miles away from me but we talk every day and he's working on his trust issues with me and I'm working on my trust issues with him.
Teenagers drink, even though it's illegal. It's just a fact, a majority of teenagers drink. Last night at about three in the morning McDreamy imed me and told me that he was never going to drink again. Of course I was sleeping so I didn't get the message until this morning, and he imed me again once I came back from being away and told me that he went to a party and got really drunk and ended up sleeping with some girl. Now he's really sick and keeps throwing up. All I keep thinking of is how Addison kept telling me that I was going to marry him one day, she's there every day and reads all the conversations we have and sees how we get when we talk to each other. Maybe she was kidding around when she said that one day she thought we'd get married, but I took it to heart. I've been talking about Chorus Boy a lot recently, and how I think I would date him. That still stands true, I'd date Chorus Boy in an instant, but I don't know how long it would last and I don't know if I could see myself marrying him.
Anyways, I digress, all I keep feeling now is broken hearted. I'm not okay with people who sleep around, and McDreamy had told me repeatedly that he never slept around when he was drinking. Now he has, and that changes everything. How am I supposed to marry him if he does something that I see as unforgivable? I think it's unforgivable for someone to go out and sleep with someone they don't know and will never talk to again and use alcohol as an excuse. I think that he should have a lot worse than just an upset stomach. Not only does it rub me the wrong way that he slept with someone, but he described her as "really hot". That just crushes me, because I know on some level I can never compare with some girl who is "really hot" and goes out and thinks it's okay to sleep around. If that's what he's interested in, it's not me.
He's my best friend. I'm supposed to be supportive, and I know McDreamy is having a rough time recently and that he's probably using alcohol and sleeping with people because it will make him feel better (I know I've used alcohol to make me feel better in the past) and I should be supportive and help. But my heart keeps getting in the way of that. My head is telling me that it's been over with him for a while and I should just move on, but my heart says different. How am I supposed to help him if he does stuff like this? How am I supposed to love him when he makes it impossible for me to do so? What do I do?
Ta for now
Becca