I know I've been posting a lot recently, and that's all good but I've sort of felt as though I haven't posted about anything important. There have been some small things, like getting a job or something I did that was rather insignificant. So, here we go, I'm going to actually talk about something important. I'm going to pour my soul out to anyone willing to listen (or read, rather).
I'm in a clothing limbo right now, you know how people say that someone has a skeleton in their closet? Well, if you're not familiar with that phrase you should know that it's what someone says when someone has a secret that they're not willing to share. I don't have a skeleton in my closet in the literal sense but I have a sweatshirt that is a representation of a skeleton and I'm not quite sure if I want to get rid of it.
It's his. I'm sure Jordyn knows what I'm talking about, it's McDreamy's sweatshirt. It was the Christmas gift he gave to me this year before we had our big falling out. He showed up at my house, took the sweatshirt off and handed it to me and gave me a note. He said "I like you enough to give you the clothes off my back." He had been wearing the sweatshirt for a while so that when I would take it back to school it would smell like him and remind me of him. The first time I put it on I was just overwhelmed with emotion, it did smell so much like him and if you've experienced a lot of smells they know that they can trigger a reaction in your mind to bring you back to specific times and memories. That's what this sweatshirt did; this old, worn, second-hand sweatshirt brought back memories of me and him sitting together in my basement watching a movie leaning up against each other, it brought back memories of us falling asleep next to each other late at night, and it brought back New Years Eve and how we shared our first kiss.
Don't let that statement fool you, he wasn't my boyfriend; he never was my boyfriend, we only ever got so close to dating and then never did. Oh, now I've done it I'm starting to tear up. I guess in a way he led me on, he kissed me and held me and spent all his time with me and treated me in a way that felt like we were more than friends and when he was asked about it by other people he always stated we were just friends. I suppose he knew how I felt about him, how I had always felt about him, and it just made me vunerable and easy to take advantage of. Who can blame him? I was silly and crazy for thinking that he'd eventually be with me. I wasted so much time thinking that eventually we'd be together, it just felt so perfect; but I was completely wrong. Yet, I digress, I was talking about New Years Eve.
It's ironic in a way, our "relationship" really started on New Years Eve and ended one year later on that exact day. Again, I don't want to decieve you, because our friendship started much before that but when we kissed on New Years Eve our friendship changed into something in between friends and more than friends. It was the first time in my life that I actually made the first move, another crazy decision on my part because obviously if he cared about me he would have kissed me first, I leaned over toward him when we were laying next to each other and kissed him on the cheek. He took a moment, looked at me as if processing what I was doing, told me he wanted to do that for a very long time and leaned back and kissed me on the lips. It was one of those kisses where you don't want to come up for air, it overwhelms all of your senses; you can't hear, see, smell, taste, or feel anything other than that kiss. That kiss led to more kisses, and more days with more kisses. After that, he more than I, decided that the distance between Florida (where I attend college) and New Jersey was too far to maintain a relationship and that it'd be best to not be together.
Our friendship was rocky from that point on, he went through a couple girlfriends and still kept in contact and flirted with me. I suppose you could consider this emotional cheating with his girlfriends but I was so caught up with being in love with him that I didn't really care about it to much. Eventually he actually did cheat on his girlfriend who happened to be my friend, but with someone other than me. I was hurt, probably just as hurt as his girlfriend was, because I couldn't understand how someone I cared about so much could do this to another person. How could I trust him if we ever were to be together? I know what else you're thinking, how could i be in love with someone who was my friend's boyfriend? I did, at the time and still today, feel incredibly guilty about that and it was not one of my proudest moments. Time went on and his girlfriend broke up with him and he was finally available again. We spent a lot of time together talking because we were separated by school and I can't deny that when I came home for winter break this year that I thought we'd get together.
It was New Years Eve, a year exactly from when we shared our first kiss, and like that year everyone came over my house for the annual sleepover. McDreamy was there and the evening was just not going well. Some of my friends were acting in ways that were hurting my feelings severely and I started to get upset. I began texting my best girl friend who couldn't be there and told her what had just happened. McDreamy left with my one girl friend to go to another party in the middle of mine, I was pretty sure that he wanted to go there so he could smoke or drink and I was pretty sure that if he did either and I could tell when he got back to my house that I'd kick him out. McDreamy always had a bunch of habits that I didn't really approve of, his smoking was one of them, I found it to be completely revolting that he smoked pot almost constantly but there wasn't much I could do about it. I wasn't his girlfriend and I couldn't control his actions, so I sat back and accepted that he did it and cursed at myself silently for letting him do it. This was when my best girl friend took her chance to tell me what she really thought of him, that he was horrible and that he led me on and how she wished I could be strong enough to push him out of my life. I listened to her, because she has always been my best friend and she has always looked out for me. McDreamy came back and I avoided him, the next day I told him what happend and we argued and now we don't speak.
The reason I say this is because his sweatshirt is still sitting in my closet at home, looming in front of me and taunting me. You don't have him. It says to me. You never will, and you actually never did. Why are you so sad you silly girl, so sad over something that you never had? Yet every time I get close to the sweatshirt to throw it out I can smell him, and I remember our first kiss and I wonder if it's possible that we could be together again. I'm hanging on to some small string of hope, praying that I didn't waste my time and praying that maybe my love for him will be returned. I spent so much time caring about him and wanting to be a part of his life and now I feel as though I don't know what to do with myself. I feel a little empty, each time something good or bad happens to me and I turn to go and talk to him I realize that we're no longer friends and I'll have to find someone else to tell. The problem is that our friendship was so special before I ruined it by falling in love with him, and I've just messed myself up on all counts because not only have I lost the guy I love but my best guy friend.
I have a sweatshirt in my closet, in the clothing limbo of things I'm not sure I want and therefore just keep around in the back of the closet until my mother comes around and evetually forces me to throw them out. Am I just clinging onto it in the hopes that one day I'll get to wear it again, or am I just too afraid to admit that, once again, I screwed something up for myself? I can't just keep this sweatshirt in limbo forever, but I'm afraid that's what is going to happen.