A blog is worth a thousand words

And... Action!

2008-06-28T18:31:00Z

I know you all know that Amy emailed us and said to video tape ourselves reading our essays. I gave the project to my friend who is a film major. Here is the final project: I love it. Let me know what you think! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71rYOorVER8

My life in a nutshell.

2008-03-30T20:35:00Z

Here's the oldest story of my life:

Step 1: I meet boy

Step 2: I hang out with boy

Step 3: I start to like boy

Step 4: Boy meets other girl

Step 5: Other girl likes boy

Step 6: Boy likes other girl

Step 7: The two end up dating and stay together forever

Step 8: I'm alone

Step 9: Repeat from Step 1

I'm starting to feel that I'm around Step 4 and pretty much sitting around waiting for the rest of the steps to just play out. In case you were wondering, that is.

Ta for now.

<3 Becca

Another song (big shocker, I know)

2008-03-12T01:42:00Z

Perfect That Way

She was born a little less than perfect
at least in that doctor's eyes
he said that she'll be different
much more than you ever realized

that girl grew up not knowing
the sound of her mama's voice
God's gift to her was silence
in a world so full of noise

and she sings with her smile
and talks with her hands
she listens with her heart
so she always understands

she believes there's more to life
than the sounds that it makes

she's perfect that way

shes got a sign for the thunder
one for the wind and the rain
she's the kind that keeps you laughing
and the first to see your pain

and she sings with her smile
and talks with her hands
she listens with her heart
so she always understands

she believes there's more to life
than the sounds that it makes

she's perfect that way

Sometimes, I wake up in the mornings and I wonder if reincarnation actually happens. I wonder if I was Deaf in another life, and some days I wake up and I wish I was Deaf. Not that I wouldn't miss music but because I love ASL so much. I am so passionate about it. Wow, I'm actually crying when I'm writing this. No matter how much I'm killing myself to become fluent and no matter how much work I have to do I still love what I'm doing. Every day I feel blessed to be able to work with my teachers and learn ASL. I want to become the best teacher I can possibly be. I love it, I love all of it. I can't even find the words to describe how I feel about this. This isn't what I've chosen to do, it's what I'm meant to do and I really truly believe that.

This song accurately describes how I feel at this moment.

2008-03-11T02:08:00Z

He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be

He's disappearing
Fading suddelly
I'm so close to being yours
Won't you stay with me
Please

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I belong
Where you are

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
Though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

Yet, I'm better near to you.

I like someone, yet I'm so afraid that I'm too emotionally scarred from McDreamy that I can't function properly in a relationship again. I'm scared of what my dark, twisty, and screwed up self will do to this poor boy or to myself. Oyy. Help me.

Ta for now!

Becca

In a sort of clothing limbo (at the moment)

2008-03-10T03:16:00Z

I know I've been posting a lot recently, and that's all good but I've sort of felt as though I haven't posted about anything important. There have been some small things, like getting a job or something I did that was rather insignificant. So, here we go, I'm going to actually talk about something important. I'm going to pour my soul out to anyone willing to listen (or read, rather).

I'm in a clothing limbo right now, you know how people say that someone has a skeleton in their closet? Well, if you're not familiar with that phrase you should know that it's what someone says when someone has a secret that they're not willing to share. I don't have a skeleton in my closet in the literal sense but I have a sweatshirt that is a representation of a skeleton and I'm not quite sure if I want to get rid of it.

It's his. I'm sure Jordyn knows what I'm talking about, it's McDreamy's sweatshirt. It was the Christmas gift he gave to me this year before we had our big falling out. He showed up at my house, took the sweatshirt off and handed it to me and gave me a note. He said "I like you enough to give you the clothes off my back." He had been wearing the sweatshirt for a while so that when I would take it back to school it would smell like him and remind me of him. The first time I put it on I was just overwhelmed with emotion, it did smell so much like him and if you've experienced a lot of smells they know that they can trigger a reaction in your mind to bring you back to specific times and memories. That's what this sweatshirt did; this old, worn, second-hand sweatshirt brought back memories of me and him sitting together in my basement watching a movie leaning up against each other, it brought back memories of us falling asleep next to each other late at night, and it brought back New Years Eve and how we shared our first kiss.

Don't let that statement fool you, he wasn't my boyfriend; he never was my boyfriend, we only ever got so close to dating and then never did. Oh, now I've done it I'm starting to tear up. I guess in a way he led me on, he kissed me and held me and spent all his time with me and treated me in a way that felt like we were more than friends and when he was asked about it by other people he always stated we were just friends. I suppose he knew how I felt about him, how I had always felt about him, and it just made me vunerable and easy to take advantage of. Who can blame him? I was silly and crazy for thinking that he'd eventually be with me. I wasted so much time thinking that eventually we'd be together, it just felt so perfect; but I was completely wrong. Yet, I digress, I was talking about New Years Eve.

It's ironic in a way, our "relationship" really started on New Years Eve and ended one year later on that exact day. Again, I don't want to decieve you, because our friendship started much before that but when we kissed on New Years Eve our friendship changed into something in between friends and more than friends. It was the first time in my life that I actually made the first move, another crazy decision on my part because obviously if he cared about me he would have kissed me first, I leaned over toward him when we were laying next to each other and kissed him on the cheek. He took a moment, looked at me as if processing what I was doing, told me he wanted to do that for a very long time and leaned back and kissed me on the lips. It was one of those kisses where you don't want to come up for air, it overwhelms all of your senses; you can't hear, see, smell, taste, or feel anything other than that kiss. That kiss led to more kisses, and more days with more kisses. After that, he more than I, decided that the distance between Florida (where I attend college) and New Jersey was too far to maintain a relationship and that it'd be best to not be together.

Our friendship was rocky from that point on, he went through a couple girlfriends and still kept in contact and flirted with me. I suppose you could consider this emotional cheating with his girlfriends but I was so caught up with being in love with him that I didn't really care about it to much. Eventually he actually did cheat on his girlfriend who happened to be my friend, but with someone other than me. I was hurt, probably just as hurt as his girlfriend was, because I couldn't understand how someone I cared about so much could do this to another person. How could I trust him if we ever were to be together? I know what else you're thinking, how could i be in love with someone who was my friend's boyfriend? I did, at the time and still today, feel incredibly guilty about that and it was not one of my proudest moments. Time went on and his girlfriend broke up with him and he was finally available again. We spent a lot of time together talking because we were separated by school and I can't deny that when I came home for winter break this year that I thought we'd get together.

It was New Years Eve, a year exactly from when we shared our first kiss, and like that year everyone came over my house for the annual sleepover. McDreamy was there and the evening was just not going well. Some of my friends were acting in ways that were hurting my feelings severely and I started to get upset. I began texting my best girl friend who couldn't be there and told her what had just happened. McDreamy left with my one girl friend to go to another party in the middle of mine, I was pretty sure that he wanted to go there so he could smoke or drink and I was pretty sure that if he did either and I could tell when he got back to my house that I'd kick him out. McDreamy always had a bunch of habits that I didn't really approve of, his smoking was one of them, I found it to be completely revolting that he smoked pot almost constantly but there wasn't much I could do about it. I wasn't his girlfriend and I couldn't control his actions, so I sat back and accepted that he did it and cursed at myself silently for letting him do it. This was when my best girl friend took her chance to tell me what she really thought of him, that he was horrible and that he led me on and how she wished I could be strong enough to push him out of my life. I listened to her, because she has always been my best friend and she has always looked out for me. McDreamy came back and I avoided him, the next day I told him what happend and we argued and now we don't speak.

The reason I say this is because his sweatshirt is still sitting in my closet at home, looming in front of me and taunting me. You don't have him. It says to me. You never will, and you actually never did. Why are you so sad you silly girl, so sad over something that you never had? Yet every time I get close to the sweatshirt to throw it out I can smell him, and I remember our first kiss and I wonder if it's possible that we could be together again. I'm hanging on to some small string of hope, praying that I didn't waste my time and praying that maybe my love for him will be returned. I spent so much time caring about him and wanting to be a part of his life and now I feel as though I don't know what to do with myself. I feel a little empty, each time something good or bad happens to me and I turn to go and talk to him I realize that we're no longer friends and I'll have to find someone else to tell. The problem is that our friendship was so special before I ruined it by falling in love with him, and I've just messed myself up on all counts because not only have I lost the guy I love but my best guy friend.

I have a sweatshirt in my closet, in the clothing limbo of things I'm not sure I want and therefore just keep around in the back of the closet until my mother comes around and evetually forces me to throw them out. Am I just clinging onto it in the hopes that one day I'll get to wear it again, or am I just too afraid to admit that, once again, I screwed something up for myself? I can't just keep this sweatshirt in limbo forever, but I'm afraid that's what is going to happen.

Petty... yet, ridiculously satisfying.

2008-03-09T17:05:00Z

For those of you didn't read my earlier blogs there was someone I talked about almost on a daily basis and I called him McDreamy. He was my best guy friend and we had a big falling out over my winter break this year and haven't spoken to each other since about January. Some days are better than others, I'll wake up and go the entire day not thinking about him or I'll wake up and go the entire day missing him. It varies between the two, my emotions toward him swing between depression of not having my best friend and anger for him being stupid. I also have moments where I'm happy he's out of my life but these aren't too often. Today I woke up and got on my computer and went through my daily routine, I checked my email, checked my RED email, looked at my myspace and logged onto facebook to see if my friends had any status updates or anything. I don't mean to sound like a stalker when I say this but facebook is a way that I get a lot of information about people that I haven't seen in a while or, in this case, people that I haven't spoken to in months.

I wandered over to McDreamy's facebook and noticed that he placed what is called an honesty box on his page. If you all aren't familiar with facebook I'll describe what this application does. It is a small box that asks you "What do you think about me?" and anyone that you are friends with or that can view your page is capable of writing anything in this box anonymously. I saw this and debated with myself for a couple minutes if I actually wanted to write something in this box. I wrote a message and literally stared at it for five minutes trying to decide if I was really going to send it to him or if I was going to just delete it. I clicked send. The message was as follows:

"I think your ego is so big it's a shocker you can get your head through most doors. There's a difference between being self-confident and self-centered."

Ha. I know it's ridiculously low and completely petty but I feel so much better now.

Ta for now!

Lucid Dreaming

2008-03-08T19:41:00Z

I'm not sure if any of you know about this but I do something called Lucid Dreaming which many people actually try and train themselves to do but I do it naturally and have done it for my entire life. It's basically that I go to sleep and have a dream but I'm fully aware that I'm dreaming and it's almost as if I'm watching my dream on a movie screen and having a conversation with myself about what I think about the dream. I also have the ability to wake myself up or change the way my dream is going if I don't like it. I had a particularly intense Lucid Dream last night and I want to tell you all about it because it's just too amusing to to share.

It starts in MZ’s room. Sleeping with her because her roommate is away and she’s creeped out. She leaves to go do something and I’m in the room by myself. She locked the door on her way out. I feel like someone is in the room with me and looking directly at me, I feel like they’re out to get me. I’m in the room by myself and start getting freaked out so I head toward the door with MZ’s keys which she left inside and then she opens the door and comes inside.

Changes situations, a man and his son are in the house with their mom. Something happens where the mom feels unsafe so the cops are called, it’s raining. The man and son are searching the house and lock it down to be safe. The man comes in through the garage while it’s pouring rain and locks it behind him. The man and his son go into the living room and order a pizza but then realize someone is in the house

Same situation happens again, because the first was not good enough, but this time at the end instead of the man and the son it’s me and my roommate Maggaroni. There is a bathroom attached to the living room in this scene and Maggaroni and I decide to order pizza. She pulls the pizzeria number up on her phone and goes into the bathroom, I call the pizzeria and no one picks up the phone and it disconnects itself. Maggaroni comes out of the bathroom as her phone is ringing, I get worried that it’s the person who has been after me and she picks up the phone. Maggaroni says nothing but I know that it’s obviously the person that’s been after me since I’ve been in MZ’s room two dreams ago.

Situation changes, I’m walking in the rain up to the Wal-Mart. I’m obviously nervous; I’m clutching my purse and walking as fast as I can toward the Wal-Mart where it is not dark. I get inside and start looking at the jewelry and start looking for something for my mother’s birthday. The lights flicker on and off. I notice a sign that says I must pay at the register with the jewelry and I consider not buying jewelry and buying something else. I’m looking for pearl earrings, but everything on the shelf is disorganized as if there has been an earthquake recently. I find pearl earrings that are about 30 dollars and I buy them. This is when I start to feel that someone is following me, I go outside and some woman keeps looking at me even though sometimes we get separated by people coming in and out of Wal-Mart. I’m heading out into the parking lot when I notice a car pull in. It’s DW and her boyfriend Psychology Boy. They pull down the same row as mine and go to park, the woman is still following me and I’m very nervous. I also get afraid that there’s someone sitting in my car when I’m going to open it. I see DW and I stop and say hello and ask where her boyfriend is. She says he’s waiting for me because he knows it’s rainy and creepy and wants to make sure that I get into my car safely. I see Psychology boy getting out of DW’s car, she says goodbye and walks into Wal-Mart. Psychology boy comes over and waits briefly while I get into my car and then goes off with DW.

This is when I tell myself that this dream is ridiculous and to wake up, so I do. I then immediately walked over to my computer and wrote the dream down as soon as possible so that I wouldn’t go back to sleep and forget it

The Job Search...

2008-03-08T04:11:00Z

May be over! Yes, you heard correctly! I have applied for a freelance writing job on a website, and if I get it I'll definitely be posting up links so you all can read my book reviews!

That's all for now!

I'm having a pretty day.

2008-03-06T19:27:00Z

I don't know if any of you have this experience but I know this happens to me every once in a while. I, like most other girls, am not fond of how my body is. I don't like how I look on most days and would prefer to get back in bed wear sweats and not let anyone see my pudgey stomach, my large thighs, or my abnormally huge breasts. I look at other girls with envy wishing I could look like them and wear the size that they were wearing. I'm so sure that everyone does it, maybe some do it more than others but I do find myself on most days loathing the way I look and wishing I could change. I've also, been on a diet practically every day since I was a sophmore in high school which means I've been on a diet every day for four years straight. I still continue to not lose any weight and gradually gain over time. It's just my body, it's just the way my body happens to deal with stress, putting on a couple pounds around the middle. When this happens I generally try and cover up my body and pudge with sweatshirts and clothing that hangs loosely around my body in the hopes that no one will notice. Chances are no one notices that I gained a couple pounds but I feel as though it's the only thing anyone will see when they look at me so I choose to do this. Today is not one of these days though.

I woke up last week and realized that I was done hiding my body and wearing things that concealed me. I realized I was done not caring about my appearance and I went and got my hair cut. I realize that this isn't really a big thing to most people but it is to me because I generally treat cutting my hair as reinventing my image. So I cut it, I decided that I wanted bangs and that I wanted to let my hair grow real long so I only trimmed it. Yet, even after I did this I slipped back into wearing sweats over the weekend and hiding everything about my body.

I also have days where regardless of how much I want to look bad I look pretty naturally. It's like my body is reacting in spite of me. Today is this kind of day, even though I did facilitate the process a little bit by shaving my legs and putting on a skirt and cute top my body seemed to do most of the work for me. Even though I have days where I wake up and put on a bunch of outfits and nothing looks good on me I woke up and the first outfit I put on looked amazing. So I accessorized and I put on some light make up and went to class. This is one of those rare days when I wonder why I don't have a boyfriend instead of admitting that I'm not pretty enough or thin enough to have one. I wonder why no one would possibly want someone who looks like me.

Needless to say. I like days like these.

Hodgepodge of thoughts.

2008-03-05T00:49:00Z

Word of the day:

Recherché- uncommon, exotic; rare

Today in my ASL class we were talking about housing situations, well signing is more like it but you get the idea. The first thing my teacher asked me was what kind of house did I want in the future. A vivid image popped into my head, I don't want some huge house because I know that won't happen for me but I want a small house. There was this picture I always looked at when I was younger of my mother's great aunt's they lived in Bickley in England and had this beautiful stone cottage with ivy growing up the side and the typical english garden with tons of roses and overgrown. That's what I want, and I told my teacher that. I continued to watch the students in the rest of my class talk about their large houses with pools and I realized how special this dream was to me. I really want that cottage, I want the old house with barely enough space and the large footed tub in the bathroom so I can take long bubble baths. I want the large backyard with huge roses and a bunch of other flowers and a stone pathway that leads back to a stone bench surrounded by trees and flowers. I want that to be my special place where I go back to sit down and grade papers or write to my hearts desire. I want my children, if I can have any, to grow up in a house like this around beautiful foliage and in a house that isn't like every other house in the neighborhood. Maybe it is a little weird that my dream aren't any bigger and I don't want a mansion of sorts, but my dream is so tangible and so realistic that I can almost touch it. That's what I love about my dream.

I realized last night that my friends here at college don't really know much about my past. I suppose this is a good thing because they like me as the person that they think I am, but I really do miss my friends from home who truly know everything about me. Those friends are the ones who didn't need to be told about my past but the ones who were actually there when those events that I consider my past were taking place. They're the ones I laughed with, and cried on their shoulders; they are the ones who know exactly who I am because they know where I've been. They're the ones who have accepted me with all of my faults and all of my problems and realized that regardless of all of those things I am a good person and I try hard to do the best that I can.

I keep having these dreams about McDreamy, where we start talking again and we're friends. Those are the worst dreams, I wake up and it takes a couple minutes for me to realize that it didn't really happen. It's like finding out something bad for the first time multiple times. I've been trying really hard not to think about him during the day in the hopes that he won't come up in my dreams but it seems useless because I keep dreaming about him. I suppose my subconscious misses him a lot more than my conscious mind lets on.

I have so much more to say, but I'm just not sure how to say it.

Ta for now!

Becca

Heh?

2008-03-03T01:01:00Z

I feel like I have nothing important to blog about.

Please send me money so I can make my life more interesting? Haha. =P

Becca

I need all of your help!

2008-02-27T19:28:00Z

I'm currently taking a class on General Methods of Education where I have to develop a Unit Plan. I want to teach 9th Grade Mathematics so I'm curious to all of your out there who are still in high school if you'd be interested in having this Unit or if it's not something you'd be interested in. I definitely want to create something that's useable so if you can help that'd be great!

Here is my Unit Plan. I want you all to take a look at it. To get to it you go to http://college.livetext.com and then type in the visitor's pass place 2B3878BF and it will show you my Unit Plan. Let me know what you think!!!

Hmm... I'm not sure if you have this problem?

2008-02-27T02:25:00Z

Hi my name is Rebecca Murray and I'm addicted to doing my homework.

It's true. Over the last couple days I've been working like crazy on an assignment that isn't due until three weeks from Monday. Someone help me! haha.

More tomorrow! Promise!

I look like a chipmunk in case you were wondering.

2008-02-09T15:45:00Z

Hey everyone,

I know it's been a while but I've been crazy busy with classes and getting ready to get my wisdom teeth out. I got all four out yesterday which was an interesting expericne because I'm away at college in Florida while my family is currently in New Jersey. At first I thought I was going to have a friend drive me to and from the appointment but then I found out they only remove wisdom teeth in the morning and all of my friends have classes in the morning. So, my father made arrangements to make a business trip and visit a client in Florida and told me he would drive me to and from the appointment. He came down on Wednesday and took me out to dinner and then on Friday he picked me up to take me to the oral surgeon to get my wisdom teeth out. I could tell he was a little nervous about the fact that he was flying out later that day and leaving me with the Nurse at school but I wasn't too worried about it. Actually, I was pretty calm, I shocked myself a little.

So we get in the room and they take my blood pressure and pulse and all that good stuff and then tell me they're giving me an antibiotic just in case so they have to insert an IV in my arm. They try and find a vein in my arm but they can't so they finally find one in my hand and insert it. I'm an expert in this area because I've had so much blood taken before that I didn't really care but the nurse asked me how I was and I said I was fine. She turned around to ask my Dad how he was doing and he passed out. I mean passed out, almost fell over the nurse had to hold him up and call for the doctor and they put ammonia under his nose and it still took him a moment to wake up. So they had to bring him into another room and get the blood back into his head. Finally they came back and put me to sleep, and that was it, I woke up in what felt like the next moment and all four of my wisdom teeth were gone and my entire mouth was numb.

Of course this is when they choose to talk to me and ask me how I am, I mean seriously I've got cotton balls in my mouth to stop the bleeding and my entire face is numb how can I actually talk back. My first instinct was to sign but no one around knew sign language so that instinct sort of was put away so I was forced to just nod and every once in a while try and say something. I wasn't too tired after which I was expecting I would be. I got back to the school and was put in the nurses office and went to sleep for a couple hours. Then I woke up and the nurse asked me if I wanted any pain medication, the obvious answer was yes. It was only after most of the numbness wore off that I realized that my mouth feels like it was run over multiple times by a very large truck. I took the medication and it made me drowsy so I slept a little bit longer and went back to my room. Then I took the pain medication again when I could and fell asleep at about 6 in the evening and slept until about 9 this morning. I took the pain medication again now and i'll probably go back to sleep. I'm almost 100% sure that I won't be tired after this weekend haha.

Well that's my story, I'm going to try and blog on here a lot more often now. I'm going to try to get around here once a day and post something interesting.

Oh and p.s. I think all of the girls that wrote in this book are amazing and I'd love to get to know all of you so if you want to chat email me at my redthebook address (beccam@redthebook.com) I look foreward to hearing from you!

Ta for now!

Becca

MIA

2008-01-10T21:33:00Z

Hey everyone, I'm sorry I've been missing in action recently. I've just been so caught up in my own problems that I have barely thought about writing something on here. There are three days left before I go back to college and get back to the life I had grown accustomed to, and I have to say I'm pretty excited about it. Normally I'm so excited to come home and never want to leave, but this break has been horrible on all sorts of levels.

McDreamy isn't speaking to me and some of my other friends don't make any effort to hang out with me at all. It feels as though it doesn't matter to anyone if I come home or not anymore. I can't say that all of my friends stink, because some of them I have gotten closer to over this break and I'm really happy about that.

I don't have too much to write about right now, I'm trying to piece things together little by little. I'll write more when I have more to write about.