kid plan

jordynt — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 06:43:00 GMT

I still feel like I've been ran over by a train, but at least I'm happy now.

And I can't say why, but boy am I happy!!

In a related story, lalalalala is all I can think right now and it's nearly midnight so not only can I not tell my East Coast friends now (Mich, Becca), but I also can't tell anyone on the West Coast.

THINKABOUTSOMETHINGELSE THINKABOUTSOMETHINGELSE....

Um, ok. I'd rather not think about English class. Or my sore throat. Or my killing headache. Or the fact that I probably won't be getting to sleep anytime soon. And I still don't have a job.

What I need right now is a meme or survey thing so I don't have to actually think about what to write.

Ok here's something. I feel like everyone around me is growing up so fast. Like this one girl I know, 19 and getting married next month. I don't see anything wrong with it but it's part of this recent epidemic I'm seeing of my peers moving out (or wanting to move out), going to college, having boyfs and girlfs. One of my friends just emailed me about her college sightsee trip. I talked to another one today whose planning on combining 11th and 12th grades so she can graduate on time.

Even me, I shouldn't even be in college yet and I am. I mean granted I'm living at home and going to a community college, but still.

And my old best friend from Arizona just got her license. Which just brings us to a whole other level of weirdness because omg Mom, CHELSEY GOT HER LICENSE. The height of weirdness. I literally can't believe it.

I talk to Sarah sometimes. 20, going to college, not quite sure what she's going to do but at least she's working and blahblahblah so much better than a lot of people I could think of. And she's telling how she'll be 21 soon and how her old friend is getting married and how everyone is asking her when she'll be getting married. And we're both like OMG KNOCK IT OFF PLEASE JUST LET US GO SEE HORTON HEARS A WHO AND THE GROWN UP LIFE WITH THE BOYF-WHO-BECOMES-THE-HUBBY AND THE HOUSE AND THE INSURANCE CAN WAIT. PLEASE?

Because that's how I feel sometimes, like everyone is so ready to move on to the next thing that they don't really get a chance to see what they have now. And I mean, I'm excited for my future. Like really excited. For the first time I'm more excited than I've ever been about things since the move. But still, I'm not really ready to be there yet, you know? I still want to have a while longer watching American Idol with my parents and having Taylor sit in front of my bookcase while I shove books at her and say, "This one's good and this one's good and ooh, this one's really good." I'm still a kid, really. I just happen to be a kid with a plan is all.

on being totally screwed up

jordynt — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 14:48:00 GMT

Seventeen.

In some ways, I know, I am more together, more mature, more grown up, than other girls my age. I'm in college. I'm published. I'm a good kid.

But then in other ways, I think to myself, I am the most screwed-up girl to ever come out of a functional family. It's true. What is my problem? I mean other than my obsessive analyzing, my constant questioning of everything and everyone around me, my always looking for meanings under the surface (even when none exist), my overwhelming need to KNOW THINGS? Other than that, what's my problem? Right now, for an example, I feel very tightly wound. I'm keeping myself in a bubble - not letting people in. And I'm not even quite sure why it is. Except that I can't deal with things. This is stupid, I know, because compared to people who have real problems, I really have nothing to deal with. But the things I do have to deal with - my lack of a social life, my "invisibility", the way others view me - I can't handle it lately.

Yesterday I wrote my grandma this long letter, all about this place and the realization I came to in New York, and my whole life. I keep thinking that this time in my life is just something to get through, but... the thing is... besides the fact that this time in my life is going to last about six years (until I get my teaching degree/credentials), what do I have to look forward to after it ends?

Nothing. Nobody. Nowhere. What am I going to do? I know it's early and seemingly crazy to wonder about this now, but I can't help it. I get excited for the next phase in my life until I realize that the next phase is as empty as this one is and that even if it weren't, it's half a freaking decade away. I try to think of the people, outside of my parents, that really matter to me. The people who are my support group, my safety net, the ones who will always be there for me and vice-versa. I inveriably (sp?) come up with six people. Four of those people are related to me. The other two aren't related to me but live in another state. Aren't I supposed to have some people who live in the same state? Who aren't my sister? I mean, don't get me wrong, I know I'm incredibly lucky to have that many people who care about me so much. I just wonder sometimes... is there something fundamentally wrong with me that I don't have a group of friends here, where I actually live?

I think I have to accept... this is my life now.

Your Smile On Fire : my future life, musings

kid plan

on being totally screwed up