carof

Hey

 

 So with all the new things happening for Red (play, paperback, etc.) I figured I should get back into the habit of updating. I know, I was never really in the habit of updating, but I'm really going to try this time. I promise.

 

What have I been up to? College is pretty cool. Being in the city is very nice (very convenient for all the RED events) and it’s a nice change from Boston. Although I miss Boston a lot… But New York is really fun! ^-^ And I get to see a lot of free shows via the Honors College. So far I’ve seen Spring Awakening, The Little Mermaid, and Footloose. I’ve also been horseback riding. All for free! And I’m in a club called Women of Action, we’ve done events for rape and sexual assault awareness and soon we’re going to host a pleasure workshop. I’m also in the a cappella group Makin’ Treble. I think it’s mandatory that all a cappella groups have some silly pun like that in their name. We sang the Nation Anthem for a pre-debate show (since our school hosted the third presidential debate)! We also learned the Folgers jingle and now we’re learning Great Escape by Boys Like Girls. Boys Like Girls did a concert at our school with Cute is What We Aim For which was also really awesome.

 

So I'm really excited about the play and everything!! Although I have to be honest, the thought of someone being me is a little weird... But still kind of awesome! I’m so glad RED is getting all this attention. Again! I thought when it first came out that was going to be the big time for the book, but now I’ve been proved wrong and it’s really amazing to see all these good things happening. The charity we’re donating the books to are also such a good thing and it feels great to be a part of something like that. I’m just so happy, I wouldn’t believe it if you told me all this would be happening before I sent my essay in.



So what have I been up to and why haven’t I updated recently? Well, getting to college was a big thing and kind of uprooting. As you can probably imagine. And this poem thing I wrote should probably clear up the rest. It’s not my best, but definitely my most heart felt. I first jotted it down at the end of April and have been playing with it as the mood strikes me. I’m pretty (I guess happy would be the word to use here) with it at this point, so enjoy.



It hurts
It still hurt
And it will always hurt
Don’t you dare tell me otherwise
And it doesn’t just hurt where he held the knife
Or where he put it in
But everywhere
It feels unsophisticated and unclean
It feels yucky
It feels like he took my life
He almost did
Sometimes it feels like he should have
Sometimes it feels like that would have been the humane thing to do
But he wouldn’t care about the humane thing to do
Humane isn’t in his vocabulary
Not much was in his vocabulary
He almost sounded drunk
But he was too aware
Too strong
Not drunk
So I get drunk
To forget his mistake
Drinking makes me sick
Drinking anything makes me sick
I gag
No matter what, I gag
On anything
On water
On him
Him who forced me to gag
Him who forced me to do worse than gag
But what choice did I have?
Gag or death
Death or do worse than gag
You hear stories about it
You say you’d fight back
You’d say you’d survive
You won’t
You don’t fight back
If you fight back you die
Not that it’s an unappealing option
Just that things move too quickly
Even though you move in slow motion
And he moves in slow motion
But his slow motion is much too fast
And yours is much too fast to give in
Before you can stop yourself
His slow motion is cutting into yours
The faceless man
His mistake
My mistake?
People say his
We were both out when we shouldn’t have been
In what I now know as a bad place
At a time maybe not so decent
And I knew that
But I went out anyway
And I suffered the consequences
Maybe not my mistake
Maybe not his?
But he planed the mistake
Why else carry the knife
Why do I carry one now every day
My fingers playing with the blade in a coat pocket
The blade to protect me
The blade that has only ever cut my flesh
So similar to the blade once held to my throat
Keeping me bent over and afraid
His blade never cut me
I would like to blame it on him
Pain and anger and sorrow and blame
They won’t go away either
Little by little they lessen
But they will never go away
Nothing will ever be the same again
And he will always be a part of me
He hurts
He will always hurt



I guess that’s kind of a sad note to end on, but hey, that’s life right?



<3 Caro



P.S. I learned to knit with my fingers, it’s pretty cool.

 I know I haven't posted in a while... A very long while. But I promise that will change! Excpet next week, I'm on vacation then, but after that!!

 

So, what's new with me... I'll be 18 in two days!! It's so exciting ^_^  I know it doesn't really mean much except in terms of voting, which is important, but I only get to vote in the general election by this point and my state always goes the same way, it doesn't matter much. But still, I'm so excited ^_^

 

So what I have been up to you may ask? Or may not ask, but here it is anyways:

    The whole thing with Eponine is over. Sure I still have some feelings for her, but it's never going to happen and I've moved on.

    Devin and I are back together. We're both very very happy and life is good.

    My A Cappella group is doing awesome! Sara H who is also on this site has a solo on the coolest song and it sounds amazing and with       any luck I'll have a solo on How To Save A Life which would mean the world to me. That song reminds me of my friend who shot              himself...

    I am going on a cruise for my birthday because it falls just before vaction week. It's my first cruise!!! It'll be awesome!!

 

So I guess that's how I'm doing. Hope everyone is doing just as well and I'll be back so much more often, I promise! 

<3 

So, last night my school put on a production of Les Mis. It was interesting to say the least. Everyone in the show was amazing, I had a lot of friends in the cast and pit and the show was so moving it made almost everyone cry. I think I probably cried the most, though. I was probably also the only one to cry during intermission. Okay, I didn't cry all of intermission, I did call work to find out my scheudual was completely fucked up and they haven't called me back yet.

 

You'll need a little backstory before I explain. In my essay in Red I was dating a boy named... Devin I think I called him. We broke up when he went off to college, not only because he went off to college but also because I wanted to date a girl. I tried the whole dating a dude thing and it's just not for me. We dated for almost two years, but it was time to move on. We are still friends and we do still talk, but that's an important thing to know to understand the rest of this post.

 

So, I was at Les Mis and it was all fine and dandy. The staging, acting, singing, and everything was amazing. I didn't cry when Fantine died, but the second Eponine stepped on stage I started tearing up. And no, it's not because I knew what was going to happen to the charactor, although she is a very tragic charactor. It's because my friend was playing Eponine. Not just any friend, but a friend I have a very long and intersting history with.

 

She first came out to me in freshman year, she loved me. She's beautiful inside and out. She can be a bit dramatic and over the top, but I was crazy about her. Although she was the one to make the first move, I was the one to ask her out. She turned me down. Although she was very taken with me and miserable with her decision, her family is very religous and would have been very upset. Then I started dating Devin at about the time she decided to come out and disobey her parents. (Well, she didn't decided so much as her parents found her diary.) Things went back and forth like that until this year.

 

At the beginning of this year, she decided that we shouldn't give dating a try. She was just starting to talk to her ex again (over e-mail, he'd graduated and was out of state) and didn't feel like she was ready to move on. Also, she thought that because we'd gone through so much and not actually dated that it was a sign we shouldn't be together.

 

Maybe it is a sign, but I don't care. I still really love her. 

 

So, seeing her play Eponine lusting after Marius (played by a boy I don't particularly like) and then dieing, I wasn't very happy. I hadn't told anyone, after she told me what she thought I just tried to move on and pretend I didn't care. I hid it for two months, no one had any idea. I think no one had any idea at least. She was in the play which eats up all your time. I hadn't seen or talked to Eponine for two or so months. I mean, I saw her around school and everything, but not really talked like we used to. Seeing her on stage, everything came back to me and I just lost it. 

 

After the show everyone went back stage and congratulated everyone else. Eponine did come and hang out with me and the people I was with, but I just mostly focused on not crying again. I was lucky, a friend who was driving me home took me outside and let me cry on his shoulder in the middle of hanging out with Eponine and everyone. (My other friend asked when we got back if we were making out and I had to leave again.) Then Eponine went to hang out with her ex who she was seeing for the first time since the breakup.

 

As she left my driving friend knew she might be so wrapped up in everything she'd forget to say goodbye. I understand, really, it was the last night of the show and there was a cast party and everything was crazy. So he told her parents he was going to "give her a talking to" if she didn't come say goodbye to him. His plan of course that once she came over to say goodbye to him she'd say goodbye to me too. She didn't. She walked right past me. She passed me to hug him goodbye and passed me again to leave. He took me out right away and let me sob in his car. Lot's of people think he's this rude sleezy guy, but he's really one of the sweetest guys I know. He drove me around so I wouldn't have to go home and when I decided I wanted soup (I'm not sure why I wanted soup, but it did make me feel better) he drove me around at 12 am to find an open restaurant and got me soup. I know that doesn't sound like much, but I live in a town where it's illegal for a store to be open 24 hours. We have a CVS that closes at 10. It's rediculous. But he drove me around, it took maybe half an hour to even find an open restaurant. 

 

Tomorrow at school I'm going to go see Eponine and ask if she wants to hang out like we used to over Thanksgiving break. Right now I'm going to go eat lots of ice cream. 

Hey all!

 

This is not only my first post on the Red blog, but my first post on any blog!! Exciting, right? Or just sad. It's you're choice. Lets see, for those who don't know my essay was "Lucky." Note on the title, it made a lot more sence when I had song quotes in there. Unforunatly it was also plagiarism. But what can you do? The first paragraph also made more sence. Sorry if any of that was confusing.

 

So, me. Umm... I'm me.

 

I love glitter. That's the first thing most people notice about me. I'm more often than not covered in glitter, although I can't think of any time I don't have some sort of glitter on. I'm always giddy. I'm sure if you read my essay (which if you haven't you should do... right now) that probably sounds weird, but it's true. I'm always smiling and making squeaky noises. It doesn't mean I'm an incredibly happy person or anything, I'm just... easily excited and amused.

 

Obviosly I don't have much to write about except reading in NYC this Thrusday was awesome and thank you so much for everyone who came up and told me what they thought of my story. I love you all, hugs all around, and I promise it'll get more interesting as I actually think of something to write about!

 

<3 Caro