Elevator Withdrawal

Notes on a life.

Desperately Seeking Myself

I think it's fair to say that in the past 7 weeks and three days I haven't been myself. If you've read my last post, you might hazard a guess as to why I might say that. I've been incredibly lax in all things previously important to me, and maybe in the process changing. Let us begin to document the change in Sara, starting with my vocabulary.

Words/phrases that disappeared from Sara's tongue:

-car crash
-death, dead, die, dying, dead
-Bowdoin (his college)

Songs that I've stopped listening to:

You have to understand here that Nick loved music, any music, all music. You know those cell phones where you hold it up if you want to know what song the radio is playing and they overcharge you for the title of a song that once you buy you may listen to three times? Well, we could be walking along a street and no matter what language the song was in, from what genre or time period, Nick knew the name, the artist and the next line. So he made me three mixes over the course of our almost two years. None of those mixes had the titles to any of the songs. So I don't know them. But I know that when I'm driving and one of them comes on the radio, I have to pull over, because I start crying. The worst part is, I have no warning, because I don't know the titles of the songs, and some don't even have words.

Things I love doing less:

-listening to music
-completely committing myself
-being alone
-being with people
-being the center of attention

Things I've started doing:

-writing in a journal more than once in a blue moon
-holing myself up in my room
-taking really long showers
-eating ice cream whenever I'm bored
-sleeping sporadically
-staying up so I don't have to turn out the lights
-not doing homework
-giving my friends weird, late-night phone calls

What people don't notice:

-I'm not the same



jordynt said:

I really wish I had something to say. Comforting words or the equivalent of a virtual hug or something, but... I don't. I've never experienced a loss so great so all I can do is share one of my favorite quotes with you. From the book THE CITY OF EMBER,

"People find a way through just about anything."

January 13, 2008 9:55 PM

jocelynp said:

I don't know what to say, either. Like Jordyn, I wish I did, but I don't suppose it would help; I doubt that anything anyone else says is going to help you through this.

January 18, 2008 7:23 PM