A lesson in life

There are a few things I have realized over the past few months that I wish to share with the world in general, given the world in general happens to read my blog and not doze off from consuming the abundance of holiday food. 

First thing:  Drinking expired condensed milk in your chai will not lead to happiness.  In fact, it will lead to an entire afternoon spent lying in bed in the fetal position wishing that you were literate enough to read the date on the can.

Second thing:  If you write something really embarrassing about a certain boyfriend and send it to the best editor ever, it might get published.  Which means you will get a ticket to NYC and a shiny new reason not to ever talk to your ex-boyfriend again.

Third thing:  The best time to run into the one teacher you told about being published, who in turn invited you to join the school newspaper staff a year early is not on a plane home while hallucinating on minimal sleep.  But if this does happen, just act natural, and don't let him see you drooling as you fitfully sleep through two hours of turbulence.  And as soon as you "deplane" (as they so logically call it in airline lingo) run for the hills.  Because teachers are scary as hell outside school.

Fourth thing:  If you recognize the creepy-flexible guy doing some sort of martial-art in the park, walk in the opposite direction because he is most definitly the guy who does acid and hung out with your old friend from sixth grade who now dates 26-year-old drug dealers.

Fifth thing:  If you're stuck in a foreign country's train station without a cell phone or knowledge of how to speak the local language fluently, learn this phrase in the language and then use it when addressing a random person you find on the first train to stop: Do you speak English?  If they say yes, thank your god of choice, because now you will not have to become a hobo living next to a (very European) dumpster for the rest of your life.

Sixth thing:  Cell phones are dumb.  Also they will give us all tumors the size of puppies.(and I don't mean the .03 oz-type breed of puppy that looks more like a skinned and roasted rat than anything else.  I'm talking saint bernard)

This is the end of my bottomeless wisdom, I hope you learned something new.  Ciao. 



jordynt said:

That was very enlightening.

Can you see the sarcasm dripping from this comment? Haha, but no seriously... it was hilarious. I should make a list like that.


Yeah, I'll get right on that.

November 22, 2007 9:53 PM