jessicag

I have never really seen one of my guy friends or a guy who likes me for that matter, cry. At the football game, he tried the hardest out of his fellow players as everyone was getting too tired to keep up with how far we have gotten in the championship games this year. When we lost and the team had their talk, all you could do was turn around look at me and cry. Never have seen a guy other than my brothers cry. I will never get that image out of my head as long as i live. It was truly powerful enough to make me even cry. There isn't a problem with crying nor do i care but for me seeing a guy equal to me clam up with tears, i fight the urge to run up to you and make you cry even more. I don't cry much myself but it just tells you that sometimes, we all need a good cry even under the worst of circumstances. But when you see a guy truly cry as i have, you will realize that they are in contact with their emotions.... that's how you know a guy is committed to an actual relationship than anything else.

Maybe i killed the thought. The thought of you actually liking me could've been a lie. Okay, who do i continue to kid? We know you do. Why can't you do something? Do i make it that hard? I tried to gaze. I swear i did. I thought it worked or helped just a bit. But when i held that sign today (the magazine cut out saying I'm dating a football star), your face became two different looks (is she dating some other football player? is she refering to me but i'm not a star?) Those are the look i saw, but baby, you're the only guy i watch. You're my star whether you realize it or not. I will try I swear to prove to you that i truly do. The way you walked to class today, my eyes were fixated on your boxers that rested over your pants that were sitting right under your butt so you could barely walk. Who did you do that for? Was it for me? Why would you do that? So only i could see? I know you wanted me to because i did. i know you want it- you want me. I'm ready! Are you? Please come to me! I will be with you on Friday night to watch you pose and make me proud. I'll be there. Maybe it will help because no longer would you be somewhere controlled and so familiar. I will smile so smile back and realize, I'm only there for you! Make me proud even if i can't tell you or show you yet (well, i could but i can't just go up to you and hug/kiss you), you should know, I'll be here for you. I might not tattoo your jersey number or your name on my back but i will always have the thought of you tattooed on my heart. When we become official, it that's what we decide to do, that tattoo shall stay with me as i grow older. Never gone from my mind, you shall stayt there forever.

I've learned that throughout the experiences in high school that we run away from, tend to be the experiences that follow us throughout our lives. The guy we try to escape from, who has been an idolized figure in our heads for years, suddenly disappears into the wind as a new guy finally comes along. Just as the idea of the new guy settles into our brain, those two guys connect. Those two guys become friends all of a sudden out of blue. Why now? What does one of them know that the other doesn't or even what i don't know? i feel so trapped in the idea that these two guys are up to something.

You know, the first guy, i alway thought that him and i were gonna end up dating or eventually get married later on in life. But as i learned that this new guy likes me, i realised he wasn't what i made him up to be. But now he seems to be trying to make things better and honestly, i don't think i can handle that. I don't think i can handle having that guy become involved in my life again because he just brought out the bad side of me. He brought out my anger as i realised i never had a real chance with him. I just wonder now, if the new guy is just like the first guy....

Of course i wrote my essay about boys. (Boy One!) But since i wrote that piece, i feel like a lot has changed. 

This school year, a boy i didnt even know until homecoming proved to me that he indeed had a crush on me. At the dance, he would come up to me and walk away about ten times. Around school, i'd catch him gazing off in my direction. i was and still am surprized that he would actually be interested in me. He's a defender for the undefeated football team at my school so i took the oppurtunity to see if he truly did like me by interviewing him and three other players for the newscast i am starting. He was so nervous the whole time but actually talked to me. So for me, i felt like i finally found a good guy. I didnt even think it was possible though. It's kinda funny how he has all his friends going out of their way to talk to me and they give me these looks like they know something i'm not supposed to find out unless he was ready to tell me himself. For the newscast, i've had to be on the field to make sure i ask appropriate questions and get my facts straight. Once he noticed i was there, he'd try harder, come get water even when he wasnt thirsty, and stay near me but not once talked to me.... i make him nervous i guess. It's definately hard to explain what i truly see everyday with him at school but like i said before, he seems to be a really nice guy who wants more from me in a relationship than what most guys want not saying he doesnt but if that was the only thing he wanted, we'd be talking already.

 so we'll have to wait and see what happens because you never know!