Your Smile On Fire

...from the song Xavia

on the edge of something

      Today's a very special quotes day. Because most of the quotes I want to share are from our very own book, RED! And they all knd of relate to how I've been feeling lately, to this seed of hope that's planted itself in me and the feeling of helplessness that doesn't want to let it grow.


     Our world is on the edge.

--from Meike Schleiff's essay, The "Beautiful" Cause of Death That Had Me Dying for a While

      I don't know about the rest of you, but my world is on the edge. My personal little bubble is tottering, ready to fall at any second. And I am the only one that can save it. I hate this. I hate this feeling I have inside me, this loneliness that won't go away. This strangeness I've never encountered before, this second-guessing of what I do and who I hang out with. It sucks. I'm at the point where I don't even try anymore. I have my friends, in different states though they may be, and I have my parents and myself. My world is very, very small. And I'm sick of trying to make it bigger because obviously it's not going to happen. Not in anything more than the most superficial of ways at least, and I don't want that. I want friends who are actually friends, not just people I know well enough to smile and say "hi" to even though they really don't care.

      But that's not happening.


     The memories have become fuzzy around the edges, as all of them do, glorified in a process that began the moment we stepped onto the plane, away from the messy success of finding ourselves.

--from Erika Kwee's essay, East

     I'm sure I tend to romanticize things from my "before" life, remembering them better than they actually were. Sometimes the memories make it seem like things were perfect, which is far from true. But things that were bad were bad in a different way. The struggles were external, not internal. Health problems, wildfires, that sort of stuff. Not this internal sadness, this loneliness I don't even know how to categorize. This stuff is harder to deal with because that other stuff, I just pushed through it, remembering it would all be over in a matter of time. But this... this I have to work at, have to find the solution to, have to accept, deal with, and, if possible, fix.


     Ordinary girls have the power to be truly extraordinary.

--from Dani Cox's essay, Ms. President

     This sentence is very empowering. And not in a rah-rah-blah-blah sort of way, but in a better way. It reminds me that I can, you know, get through this stuff. That this phase of my life isn't going to last forever and that maybe if I just don't let it bother me... or at least, not outwardly let it bother me, things could change.

     Ha. I know that's a lot to ask, thinking just by it not outwardly affecting me, it could actually change for others. But it's a nice thing to think anyways, and worth trying.


     I know I'm talking cryptically. I do that a lot. Sorries. But I just felt like I had to write about this stuff. So there you have it.


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Oct. 15 [going to work soon] [two school essays due; majorly nervous about both] [remember when i wrote that short story where the girl said "majorly" every other WORD practically? ha]