Your Smile On Fire

...from the song Xavia

May 2008 - Posts

  • not what i signed up for

    Dear friendlies, this post comes in four parts.


    Part 1


    Was really, really bad. Like seriously.


    Part 2


    I read something terribly sad about next season in TVGuide magazine while I was in line at Albie’s. I just found it online at, and here it is. WARNING: Sad.


    Executive Producer Katie Jacobs says: I don’t think their relationship will ever be the same. Wilson [Robert Sean Leonard] has been cleaning up after the elephant for years. Because House [Hugh Laurie] is so self-absorbed, he relies on Wilson to [fix] his mess. This time it really cost him. It’s sad because they had come to an understanding of how Wilson falling in love affects and folds into their friendship, but House just can’t resist being who he is—wounded, lovable and funny, but also selfish. The audience should worry about the future of their relationship. The devastating thing for House is that Wilson was his lifeline and now that he’s lost that, he’ll have to think about the way he is living his life.


    Ack! It’s so so bad, right? Hopefully it will be one of those things where they eventually fix things over the course of the season. I mean, they can’t totally fall out, can they? Because that is NOT what I signed up for when I started watching House.


    Part 3


    I have to see a concert. Today after work there was a concert going on at the mall and they roped off the little aisle thingy I had to walk through to get to my car because THE BAND (which I have never heard of but they must be a real band, because they were having a concert there) WAS WALKING ON STAGE. And as they were walking onstage I heard them talking and laughing about something and it reminded me of the current novel I was working on and how it’s probably not a great thing that I don’t know anything about the atmosphere of a concert/show when a band plays. I mean considering the main characters of my novel are in a band that plays gigs pretty often.


    So yeah, now the Jordyn is on a mission to find a concert. And, um, go to it. Preferably soon.


    Part 4


    This from the same person who told me I looked like I rolled out of bed and came to school, and from this how-to-not-make-friends file, you probably shouldn’t call someone a b**** just because they get a higher score than you on the final. Even if you think it’s funny and put “lol” after it… it’s still not funny.


    It’s. Just. Mean.

  • oh. so. tired.

    Oh. My. God.


    Continuing on in my Saga of Sleep, here’s what happened last night, I kid you not.


    It was about eleven o’clock. I had decided to restart my novel (coming in at a measly 5,000 words, this was not as big a deal as it seems) and work on it an hour every day. I was hoping to see which was the better goal: words per day or time per day. Anyways.


    So there it was, 11pm, and I was tired, so tired my eyelids were actually a bit droopy if you can believe that, and I decided I’d start this whole hour-a-day thing in the morning instead of right now. My brilliant logic being that if I started that night I’d be up until at least midnight, and possibly much longer depending on how it was going. (I have high hopes, yes?) So I shut down. Closed the computer, turned off the lights, got into my blankets and…


    time. dragged. on.


    From 11 to midnight. From midnight to 1. From 1 to 1:30 to 2 to 3 IN THE MORNING. Trust me, I wish I could give you guys the full effect of just how long my night was. I closed my eyes. I opened my eyes. I tried to sleep on my side, on my back, on my stomach. I tried thinking happy thoughts. I tried thinking no thoughts. I tried drinking water. I TRIED IT ALL.


    And yet I was still awake. Amazing.


    So around 3:30 I decided SLEEP WAS NOT MY FRIEND and got on my computer to do some research into what sort of computer I should get because, yes, I am getting a new computer. (And yes, I now know what kind and no, you cannot talk me out of it.) Now I just have to, you know, save up all that money. But anyways, I was on the computer until almost 4, at which point I laid back down again. Thinking I could now sleep, seeing as how it was getting into the wee hours of the morning so of course I would fall asleep and probably not be able to wake up until noon.


    But oh no. SLEEP IS NOT MY FRIEND, remember?


    It got to 4:30. 4:45. FIVE IN THE MORNING. FIVE FIFTEEN. And that was when I went upstairs to Taylor the Lovely’s room to see if she was awake yet for school and tell her of my night. Which she wasn’t awake, but I woke her up. And I told her how I HAD NOT SLEPT EVEN ONE LITTLE BIT. And her response, after I got done with the whole story (the short version, of course)? “Oh. Well why didn’t you go to sleep?”




    So now it’s 6:14 in the morning, I haven’t slept all night, I work this afternoon, and I’ve decided on getting a Mac. There. You happy?*


    *Forgive me if I am grouchy, for I have NOT SLEPT ALL NIGHT.


  • i call it the jordyn report

    Okay, new segment. Because I’m watching The Colbert Report (it inspired me) and also I know you’re all so interested in my life.


    So, friendlies, welcome to the new segment called THIS IS THE JORDYN REPORT! (And yes, you can pronounce the T in that word report.)


    For starters, this is one of the conversations I had with Taylor the Lovely today. I picked her up (in my car) while she was walking home from the bus stop, and we passed a kid who was walking up the hill I had “saved” Taylor from having to walk up.


    Taylor: That used to be me.


    me:…you used to be a little boy with blonde hair?


    Secondly, all those trailers for the Get Smart movie are getting me very excited for this movie. Now I realize it probably won’t be as wonderful as the show was, but hey, (a) Steve Carell is in it, (b) so is Ann Hathaway, (c) and the character of Seigfried (”This is kaos! Ve don’t shush here!”), (d) um, hello, it’s Get Smart.


    Thirdly, this morning when I woke up (and I must have not been sleeping very well because I woke up when Taylor came and turned my bathroom light on to steal something, and normally I’m a very heavy sleeper) I felt like someone had spent the night hitting my head with a hammer. Really, it was not pleasant and I still don’t feel very well and ugh. Just thought you all should know this.


    Fourthly, I had the strangest visual a few days ago. Here’s what happened: Taylor and my mommy went to H&M. I did not go. It sounded like something that would involve lots of shopping (with my mom and sister) and looking at clothes (with my mom and sister) and being asked by to try things on (by my mom and sister), so I elected to stay home. And anyways, they got home and Taylor was very excited to show me what new clothes she got at H&M and Forever 21. So I looked at them, and she said something like this about H&M: “There were all these people running around - it was crazy.”


    And, I swear to you, I got a visual. Of FASHION ZOMBIES running back and forth in H&M, waving their hands in the air like people do when they’re riding a rollercoaster, and screaming (also much like they do when on a rollercoaster). It was frikkin hilarious. I think I was kind of doubled over laughing while Taylor the Lovely kept saying, “What’s funny, why are you laughing? Jordyn, stop laughing at me! Are you laughing at me? What’s so funny?”


    The fashion zombies, friendlies. That was what was so funny. And I don’t know, maybe there will be more on these fashion zombies that apparently live in my mind.

  • don't mess with zulu cannibal giants

    One thing you probably shouldn’t say to someone if you want them to like you: “You look like you just rolled out of bed and came to school.”


    Yeah, you look pretty too.


    Um, no, I didn’t just roll out of bed and go to school. I straightened my hair. And messed with my bangs. And wore a not-hideous outfit (which if you know me, you know is saying a lot). And put on a mediocre amount of makeup. Plus, I ate. So I know I didn’t look like I just rolled out of bed. BUT OMG EVEN IF YOU THINK THAT - PROBABLY NOT A NICE THING TO SAY. Just FYI.


    But on another note. Every so often a new bunch of COMPLETELY AWESOME songs crops up and I just become obsessed with them. And they’re always (or, like, 99 out of 100 times) country. So all you country haters will just have to deal with it.


    The first one?


    That Song in My Head by newcomer Julianne Hough. Okay, I know she looks like Malibu Barbie and the guy in the video resembles Ken, but oh. my. gawd. I just love this song. Love love love! It’s perfect.


    Country Man by Luke Bryan. The only guy who has this song posted on YouTube (the actual song, not a performance) has an amazingly RACIST username, so I’m not going to link to it but you can search for it yourself if you like.


    Holler Back by The Lost Trailers (also new, I think). I’m linking to their myspace, which has the song on it. I love songs like this. It reminds me of Tim McGraw’s Back When.


    She’s A Hottie, Toby Keith’s latest. I know, I know, these are the type of songs that make people hate country. Um, I love them?


    I’m Done by Jo Dee Messina. Man. All of her songs are made of awesome. This one reminds me of My Give A Damn’s Busted though. Which, if you’re wondering, is a good thing. ;)


    Okay, I know at this point most of you (including my mother) are probably either judging or questioning my musical taste. But, dear mother (and everyone else), this is what you can expect to happen when you let your little baby girl listen to CMT NONSTOP and the first song she hears is Reba’s Fancy. Seriously.


    I know that was quite possible torture for some of you. Sorry bout that. I am just bursting with new music and new CDs I want to buy. (Julianne Hough’s debut, Luke Bryan’s debut, Toby Keith’s 35 Greatest Hits, and whatever CD ends up having Jo Dee Messina’s new song on it.) (Oh also, some new singer has an absolutely BEAUTIFUL new song out… a daddy/daughter song. It always makes me cry though, because the dad dies at the end.) But we’ll change gears now. BUT TELL ME IF ANY OF YOU LIKE ANY OF THOSE SONGS!! I mean not like you hafta listen to them, but if you do then I am interested in your opinions.


    So, friendlies, I’ve began studying Donald Maass’ book Writing the Breakout Novel. Like seriously. I have pages of notes and I’m only on the, uh, fouth chapter? Fourth chapter. And fourteen pages of notes. I mean, they’re short pages, but still.


    That was what I did today while work was dead. Work seems to always be dead. Dead, dead, dead. Haha sorry. Anyways, want pictorial evidence of my studiousness? (I told my parents I was studying and they probably figured I was studying for a final. But no! No, I was studying for fun. Wow. I must need therapy or something because honestly, who STUDIES FOR FUN?) (Or if they do, who takes notes and admits it?)


    What was I saying? Pictorial evidence? Okay here goes.


    There you have it. Notes. About premise. For a breakout novel. OH I AM SUCH AN EXCITING PERSON!!


    And do you know what I kept thinking of the entire time I was studying this book? (No, you don’t. So why don’t I just tell you?) HOUSE. Yep, the show. I was thinking of what a perfect story it was/is and how it has all the great elements. Specifically I was reading the chapter on stakes and thinking of the season finale and how the stakes just kept being raised. I was thinking that House is a really great and perfect-like example of a breakout novel.


    Even though, you know, not technically a novel. In fact, even if you stretch your imagination it’s still not a novel.


    In other news, I feel like doing another meme. Let me just find one. Okay, this one looks interesting. Go to this site to see it because it’s kinda hard to explain. (And no, I’m not kidding you, I actually got the band name Zulu Cannibal Giants. I know you’re all jealous.) (Also, I heartily recommend this meme. It’s good fun! Do it on your own blog and then post back here so I can see it!) (Also, apparently you get the same random quotes every time you click that link, but there’s a little ‘more random’ button on the bottom so can get a different one.)




  • fun with a stolen meme

    So guess what?


     Thing Number Five:


    The Jordyn loves memes. And lo! Here is one now! Stolen from E. Lockhart’s blog, of course.


    What were you doing ten years ago?


    Well, I was eight years old. Which means I don’t actually have a journal dating back that far, but ten years ago I had just moved back to Arizona from our one-year stint in the FLAT FLAT FLAT land of Texas, and I was spending the beginning part of the summer traipsing freely in and out of my grandparents’ house and hanging out with the cuzzies.


    What are five things you need to do today?


    Today is almost over. Don’t you know that? Instead I’ll post five things I already did today. 1. I went to work. 2. I watched episodes of The Office. 3. I filled my gas tank up with what I can only assume was PURE SOLID GOLD. 4. I returned the movie we rented that I didn’t actually watch but Mom and Taylor the Lovely did, so it doesn’t really matter. 5. I took a shower.


    What are some snacks you enjoy?


    Cheese. Chocolate. Cream peas. (NO NOT KIDDING.) Edamame.


    What would you do if you were a billionaire?


    You mean with the money? Or just in general? In general I would probably travel, also buy a few houses if I had THAT MUCH money. (Which brings me to another point… how much is a billion really? And do I have one billion or many billions?) But other than that and buying more books/music my life wouldn’t change to much. I’m pretty sure the American Heart Association, the Children’s Heart Foundation, and Ronald McDonald House charities would get a large chunk of change. Isn’t it funny (not funny haha) that even in our charities we choose things that directly or semi-directly affect us?


    What are three bad habits?


    You’re being a bit too vague. Three of my bad habits or just three bad habits that anyone could have? I’m going with the more general here because, come on, the Jordyn doesn’t have any bad habits (STOP LAUGHING, YOU!). 1. Smoking. 2. Whining. 3. Constantly one-upping others.


    Name five places you have lived.


    Arizona in a trailer. Texas. Arizona in a house. THE NEIGHBORHOOD FULL OF CRIMINAL ACTIVITY LIKE PEOPLE STEALING OTHER PEOPLE’S CARS RIGHT OUT OF THEIR DRIVEWAYS in California. Another, less car-stealing neighborhood in California.


    What are five jobs you’ve had?


    Um, get back to me in a few years? Haha really, I’ve only got three. 1. Babysitter (my favorite!). 2. Fast food worker. 3. Handbag kiosk salesgirl.


    So. That’s it. TTFN (as Tigger says), friendlies!

  • today, i...

    What I Did Today:


    • Went to work.
    • Came home from work incredibly early because of the rain and the fact of everything being outside.
    • Went to Albie’s and purchased some foodstuffs.
    • Made pizza. FROM SCRATCH!
    • Watched Friends.
    • Kept on reading Accepted.
    • Worked on my novel, which is going along quite slowly thankyouverymuch.
    • Texted my friend to see how she was doing.
    • Fell asleep reading Accepted, which is no reflection of the book it’s just that it was really gloomy today and I haven’t been feeling great anyways.
    • Woke up to ten thousand (okay, I’m exaggerating) texts and calls from my parents because neither me nor Taylor were answering the phones.
    • Called them both back and proceeded to begin watching some movie on tv.
    • Cleaned the kitchen.
    • Went to the movie place to rent National Treasure 2 only to find out that it was closed (not even 10pm on a Saturday night…), so I…
    • went to Albie’s and found the Redbox movie rental thing and rented PS I Love You because they didn’t have National Treasure.


    Wow. It really appears that I did nothing today.

  • three letter identifiers

    Ever since I went to New York for the Red readings in November I’ve wanted to travel.


    Which is mildly odd because I never wanted to travel before. I mean not that I had anything against it, just that I was fine not. And now I think it was probably because I was so happy where I was, whereas I’m not as happy where I am now. And I think of the people I know, the people my age for whom travel is a big aspiration (or a big reality) in their lives and I think they all have one thing in common: none of them want to stay where they are.


    One girl, ever since I’ve known her (which is to say since we were five), has wanted to get out of our hometown. She’s always known she wanted something bigger, something not so isolated, not so far from the rest of civilization.


    Another (who I actually met in New York) has a similar feeling about the place she lives.


    Yet another just wants to get away from drama in her real life.


    And me?


    Well I never wanted to flee my hometown and even now that I live in a place I’m not so fond of I don’t hate it. I want to get out, yes, but not right now; right now I just want to enjoy the summer and get through school and figure out where it is that I want to wind up permanently. When it comes to me and travel, I think I’m a little like Rory Gilmore though it took me a while to figure it out. I adore my hometown and have never thought I was “too good” for it, but every subsequent place I go seems fascinating. Even here. Every place has its own culture, its own identity and pulse, its own LIFE. And every place I go just opens my mind up a little more. It’s like this quote from the Newberry Winner, Criss Cross:


    “I think,” he said, “that it’s a good thing to get out of you usual, you know, surroundings. Because you find things out about yourself that you didn’t know, or you forgot. And then you go back to your regular life and you’re changed, you’re a little bit different because you take those new things with you.”


    This rings true for me. It seems that wherever I go I find new things about myself.


    In New York I found out that I could navigate subways and that they didn’t give me panic attacks (I had thought they would). I found out that, just as I had assumed, I was more interested in people watching at Starbucks than seeing the Empire State Building or the Statue of Liberty, that for the first time ever I began thinking that maybe I - small-town Jordyn - could feel at home in a big city.


    In Northern California I found out that yes, crossing the bridges did scare me a little (the possibility of earthquakes, you know), but that I loved the climate. I found that the town my friend lives in, with its village architecture, felt like home. I found that there were two-story Borders and cute little bookshops and that my dad’s prediction of me loving it, was spot-on. I found that being away from my parents for a weekend made them more worried than it made me and that boarding planes and sitting alone and navigating SFO airport didn’t scare me so much as it made me smile and think that maybe I would be better at this growing up thing than I give myself credit for.


    Florida, when I visited the summer before sixth grade, and a few times since then, showed me a different side of my mom. It made me realize, probably for the first time, that she had a life before my dad and me and my sister, that she had a whole family, siblings and everything, apart from us. It taught me that I am not partial to the humidity and that thunderstorms every afternoon wouldn’t sit well with me. And, of course, it introduced me to one of my best friends.


    Sometimes the best way to find yourself is to get lost, to be somewhere unknown, to let go of your everyday.


    You know how I think everyone lives in their own little bubble? Well the thing about travel, and probably why I love it so much and want to do more of it in the future, is that it widens that bubble. It shows us things about ourselves that we never knew, it changes us in little ways, and it makes us appreciate other ways of living. People can do this for us also, but that is a story for another time.

  • grammar police mishaps

    So I’m not very good at grammar. I must have skipped learning all the basic rules of it in school because until I was about fifteen years old I still didn’t know when to use its versus it’s. And hyphens (-) compared to commas (,) to split up a sentence? Well, despite Mrs. Petersen’s most valiant efforts to undo what my last english teacher had done, I think I’m still a little hazy on the difference.


    Don’t get me wrong - I’m kind of a Grammar Cop and it does drive me bonkers when people write sentences and get your confused with you’re or the three variations of thereare used interchangably, but I just don’t know all the rules.


    I’ve known about this particular personal flaw for many many years, so a few years ago I read Eats, Shoots and Leaves (even though there are slight differences in British and American grammar) to help.


    And lo and behold! It helped! I now know when to use it’s instead of its (its is possesive; it’s means it is) and can use the semicolon [;] with a moderate to above average success rate though I still occasionally have trouble knowing when to use a colon [:] and thus use them as infrequently as possible. I do know you put them before lists though, right?




    Anyway. If you ever see me completely mangle a sentence’s grammar, just know that I didn’t mean to and I would never use there when it should be they’re, but that as for the more complicated nuances of this stuff… well, I occasionally mess up.

  • sunflower seeds

    I have a confession.

    Thing Number Four:

    The Jordyn loves sunflower seeds. I know, I know! If I think spitting is so gross (and I do), I shouldn’t love a food where you have to spit the shells out. But I do. I can’t help it. They’re so yummy.

  • five items

    Hola, friendlies. So a few items of note.


    Item One:


    Hppy graduation BR class of 2008, and especially Ash most of all. Sorry it is snowing on your graduation day.


    Item Two:


    What!? It’s snowing!? Apparently, yes, because I have heard this from a total of FOUR PEOPLE so far (including my sister who heard it from her friend). And, hi, I know I love snow very dearly, but come on. It’s summer. It’s graduation day. It’s late May. This is a little much, I mean I know it always snows in early April, but May? Really? Is this seriously necessary?


    Um, no. No it is not.


    Item Three:


    Summer is sneaking up incredibly quickly and I still have no idea what I’m doing. Like if I’m going to the easterly part of the US or not, like if a certain person who lives in the easterly part of the US (she knows who she is) is coming here. Like if I will get to see Bradis and Madis (note: I better!). Also, um, I know I’m working and all, but what am I going to do with that time that I normally spend in school or at least studying/doing homework?


    Hey! Maybe my novel will actually get more words added to it!


    Item Four:


    I’m debating whether or not to make fudge.


    Item Five:




    David Cook WON Idol. How happy am I? Rhetorical question, obviously, but suffice to say: yay! I almost didn’t want the little twerpy, Hobbit-like David to win as much as I did want David Cook to win. So yay.

  • thank you, titlemaster

    Let’s play a game called What is the Story About? Where I give you a title and you tell me what the story would be about.


    Dusty Red Shoes


    Now. What is that story about? Plz reply, kthxbai.


    In other news, House finale spoiler if you’ve got it DVRd or TiVod and haven’t watched it yet: OMG AMBER DIED!!! AND WILSON IS MAD AT HOUSE!! Nooo… House and Wilson are very possibly my favorite television friendship ever (even more than Paris and Rory, probably) and they cannot not be friends. The show would die. A little piece of my soul would also die…


    wait, is that over the top?


    Also, I know this is a short post. I’m sure my obsessive blogging will make up for it later.

  • the jordyn's unsleepingness

    It is nine minutes to one (in the am) and after my last post marmiteandtea (over at the wordpress blog) asked if I ever sleep.


    Um, apparently not.


    See, here’s the thing (also it is Thing Number Two):


    The Jordyn is anti-sleep.


    This isn’t to say, of course, that I don’t sleep, because of course I do. My body, for some inane reason, requires it. However if it wasn’t an absolute necessity I just wouldn’t. I seem to be, by nature, a nocturnal person. Some facts about my nocturnalness?


    Nocturnalness: (n) A state of being nocturnal.


    • For one thing, I seem to be the most creative at night. Which means that probably half, if not more, of my last novel was written when everyone else in the house was asleep.
    • I am always the last one asleep. Even when I’m legitimately tired (which trust me, it does happen) I’m still the last one to fall asleep. In addition to not liking sleep, I’m also an insomniac, which is just not a good combination.
    • I never like to sleep at night but I also never like sleeping in during the day, which always leads to guilt for either staying up or sleeping in (or both). Because sometimes, you know, I actually do go to bed at a reasonable time and the only reason I’m not sleeping is because I CAN’T.
    • Sometimes late at night a noise will wake my sister up and she’ll call my cellphone and, guess what, I’M ALWAYS AWAKE. This would seem to indicate that I never sleep, but I do. Really I do.


    And now it’s 1:03 and no doubt I will sleep in tomorrow (I really wish I was one of those people who could do fine on, like, four hours of sleep) and feel slightly guilty about it. But hey, in the grand scheme of things I figure if the worst thing you feel guilty about is sleeping or not sleeping then you’re probably doing pretty good.

  • all kinds of famous at ace hardware

    Hello there friendlies!


    Now since I promised you posts about The Family, let me tell you about how I am ALL KINDS OF FAMOUS DOWN AT ACE HARDWARE. And I promise you this relates to The Family.


    My mom’s brother (my uncle, for those of you who have trouble with family ties) is named Gary. That’s not relevant to the story, but it’s his name. He lives in Florida and he owns a couple of Ace stores (or just one? I think two, but whatevs) and he is the person who bought me this lappytop that I am now typing on.


    Lappytop: (n) Just a cuter way of saying ‘laptop’ is all.


    Anyway. Remember my HuffPo essay on racism? (Which if you haven’t read it I would really like you to - it’s below Zulay’s - because I just think it is a good topic to read on and also possibly one of my favorite things I’ve written.) Well anyways. Apparently Gary posted the article outside of his store. WHICH MEANS THAT PEOPLE IN FLORIDA WHO I DON’T EVEN KNOW AND WHO HAVE MAYBE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF THE HUFFINGTON POST BUT THEY HAVE TO GET SOME HOOKS TO HANG CURTAINS OR SOME NAILS TO BUILD A BIRDHOUSE OR WHATEVER MAYBE POSSIBLY READ MY ESSAY. Um, how awesome is that?


    Answer (although that was clearly a rhetorical question): Very very awesome.

  • clearly awesome

    Best. Office. Ever! To sum it up, people are getting engaged, people are having babies, people are going to New York, people are going to prison. Oh, and Toby’s gone.


    Now. I spent most of last night doing laundry, which is what I’m still doing right now. A large enough percentage of my clothes is red that it warrants a load of reds. Seriously. Is that weird? I mean, I don’t think I have that many clothes to begin with. I think I just really love wearing red, and also I am the suck at laundry and often when I wash them with darks I end up with red spots on everything.


    Also? Possibly the best part of The Office finale? Pam telling Jim, “I don’t know why I doubted myself, because I’m so clearly awesome.”


    More later, friendlies.

  • being here and now

    I have decided it is imperative to enjoy this age that I am. To enjoy being eighteen and in college and enjoy living with my parents and sissy and even the bad stuff, like my cruddy emotions. Okay, maybe I won’t enjoy all of it, but I at least want to live all of it and not be so eager to get to the next stage in life even when everyone else is.


    Partly this is because I feel like I skipped a couple years there, like I didn’t really get the full teenage experience, and not because I was trying to grow up too fast or anything, but just because for so long my life was dominated by stuff like doctor visits and surgeries and health concerns. Stuff that should be foreign to a sixth and seventh grade girl. I feel like because of all that was going on I sort of skipped that time in my life. It was like I got off the Life Train at eleven, when I and everyone around me was still pretty firmly in childhood, then tried to get back on at thirteen when everyone around me was in teenagehood and I had no idea what or where I was supposed to be.


    And it was like I’d skipped two years, two important years that everyone got to live but me. And, no, I’m not feeling sorry for myself here, I’m just saying that I think I shouldn’t be so eager to rush ahead right now, I think I kind of owe it to myself to just be eighteen and be able to live the age that I am and be typical for once.


    I don’t think I’ve ever really been a typical age. I feel like even before all the huge stuff happened in junior high, I was always dealing with that stuff, health concerns that were way too advanced for me. Like missing so much of kindergarten because of being in and out of the hospital and being sick so much, and all the other years always being that girl who couldn’t run.


    Childhood is full of running and I did very little of it. Just today I ran to my car (parked in a guest parking) to get something out of it and I could still remember how I used to not be able to do that. Just going upstairs would leave me out of breath, and I was ten years old.


    And now that stuff isn’t so important. I’m not The Girl Who Can’t Run or The Girl With The Heart Problem anymore, mostly because I don’t like to tell people about it. And even when I do tell them, most people don’t really get it. So to everyone else that isn’t really a part of my life anymore and finally people get to see me as normal. Or, you know, relatively so. Which is nice, but not really my point. My point is that right now I don’t want anything else but to be the age that I am. Things tend to happen for me just like they do for everyone else, they just happen later and I’m tired of feeling like that’s some fault of mine, like if I just tried harder I could catch up.


    I can’t catch up. I’m not even sure if I want to. Maybe those two years put me behind or maybe it’s just because I am a late bloomer in the game of life, but whatever it is, I don’t really care. People around me are getting engaged, getting married, getting apartments with their friends, being all adult, but I can’t handle that yet. I’m just not ready. It will happen when it happens for me and when those things do happen, whenever that is, I know it will be the right time.

    Posted May 15 2008, 10:57 PM by jordynt with no comments
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Oct. 15 [going to work soon] [two school essays due; majorly nervous about both] [remember when i wrote that short story where the girl said "majorly" every other WORD practically? ha]