Your Smile On Fire

...from the song Xavia

over analysis and me

      As is often the case, there are too many thoughts in my head tonight. Mich said, Be happy. Don't think; be happy. But telling me to not think is like telling me not to breathe: futile. Because, as she says and has said for years (and rightly so), I overthink everything. I think too much. I don't remember a time when I haven't been so analytical. Correction: so over analytical. Sometimes it bothers me. And not even so much the thinking-too-much part of it, but the there's-too-much-in-my-mind part of it. Probably one of the reasons I write so much - to get some of the stuff out of my head and somewhere else where it can stay.

     I've been keeping a journal since I was in fourth grade, and it's a pretty in-depth journal. I mean, I'm kinda anal about it. I have all these lists, and detailed crap about my feelings and what's going on in my head and in my life. Honestly, I can go back in my journals and know, pretty much to the day, when certain things happened. When was that awful sleepover? When did I go see Stranger Than Fiction with Meggo and those guys? If I wanted to, I could find out right now. But I digress. Until I wrote that essay, the one for RED, I didn't really realize what a release it could be writing about my life in a coherent fashion, something other people could actually understand. After that, I started writing more essay-type things about my life. About my friends and my so-called friends, my cousins and the move, and, of course, all the drama and the people involved. I found out that I like doing that, making the words about my life better than a journal entry but not as good as the essay I wrote for RED. Getting what I feel out on paper and looking at it, trying to make sense of it.

     I read THE BOYFRIEND LIST a long time ago, and it was really good. It sort of changed me, which probably sounds stupid to say about a YA fiction book that could easily be percieved as nothing but fluff. But it did. From reading the book I came to the same conclusion that Roo did: emotions are not in any way controlled by logic. I love this quote, from THE BOY BOOK,

     My problem is I can think whatever I think but I still feel the way I feel.

     And isn't that true, so completely true? I can think that it's stupid to compare myself to others, or to listen to what that one person says about me, or like that one guy, or whatever the issue may be. But knowing it's stupid doesn't change the feelings. So I decided I needed to make peace with my feelings. And I have. Mostly.

      I'm still working on it actually. It's a long process.


     Okay, question. I have a question, unrelated to anything else this blog is about. You know how in books the main character's thoughts are in italics? Okay, right. So when you read that out loud, how do you make it apparant that it's the character's thoughts? You can't exactly "show" italics with your voice, can you?

     I'm confused.




saml said:

Yo. You know what we should do? We should just have ourselves a little pen-pal extravaganza. Although I'm kind of enjoying this indirect way of getting to know you... anyway, I just want you to know that I'm in the same boat. I think waaaaayyyy tooo much- obviously. But like I said. I’ve come to the realization, through thinking of course, that thinking isn't enough. You might be putting too much emphasis on it in your schedule. You have to shut your brain off once in a while and take some action. Otherwise you’re not living in the real world, your living in your own little world, which can't possibly be a happy place if you're shutting out everything else around you... know what I'm saying?? So yeah, think, but think about what you should do, and do it.

November 28, 2007 11:50 AM

saml said:

ok, sorry I'm an ass-hole. I responded with out even reading your blog. Ummm yeah. I have more silly little advice even though it sounds like you’re feeling better, making peace with the way you feel. Good way to go. FYI, I don't think any of the above things you mentioned are stupid. Feeling vulnerable, wanting to be liked, wondering how you are perceived, being attracted to people... I mean who doesn't think about and feel those things. It's just you can't base your entire self-worth on them. It's hard to explain. I think emotions are a huge part of life. But there not the only part. Being happy isn't about giving your emotions the most attention. Give them some; adjust the things in your life that are in your control. Mmm how do I put this more clearly? OK, I don't think happiness is about feeling good. I think happiness is about feeling good about yourself. And the person who talks behind your back may make you feel bad. And kissing the boy you like might make you feel good. But you should let neither effect your self worth. I know. Easier said than done. But listen. When a boy I liked didn't like me, I assumed automatically that it was because I sucked... But thats wrong. I don't suck. Maybe this boy just thought I did. And that sucks. But I don't suck. See what I mean? Once you decide and maintain that you’re a worthy human being you will be a content person. That doesn't mean that you will feel happy-go-lucky all the time but it means you'll be able to cheer yourself up quickly enough through realism. And you'll be able to focus your attention on other things besides trying to feel good... any better?  

November 28, 2007 12:17 PM


Oct. 15 [going to work soon] [two school essays due; majorly nervous about both] [remember when i wrote that short story where the girl said "majorly" every other WORD practically? ha]