Seventeen.
In some ways, I know, I am more together, more mature, more grown up, than other girls my age. I'm in college. I'm published. I'm a good kid.
But then in other ways, I think to myself, I am the most screwed-up girl to ever come out of a functional family. It's true. What is my problem? I mean other than my obsessive analyzing, my constant questioning of everything and everyone around me, my always looking for meanings under the surface (even when none exist), my overwhelming need to KNOW THINGS? Other than that, what's my problem? Right now, for an example, I feel very tightly wound. I'm keeping myself in a bubble - not letting people in. And I'm not even quite sure why it is. Except that I can't deal with things. This is stupid, I know, because compared to people who have real problems, I really have nothing to deal with. But the things I do have to deal with - my lack of a social life, my "invisibility", the way others view me - I can't handle it lately.
Yesterday I wrote my grandma this long letter, all about this place and the realization I came to in New York, and my whole life. I keep thinking that this time in my life is just something to get through, but... the thing is... besides the fact that this time in my life is going to last about six years (until I get my teaching degree/credentials), what do I have to look forward to after it ends?
Nothing. Nobody. Nowhere. What am I going to do? I know it's early and seemingly crazy to wonder about this now, but I can't help it. I get excited for the next phase in my life until I realize that the next phase is as empty as this one is and that even if it weren't, it's half a freaking decade away. I try to think of the people, outside of my parents, that really matter to me. The people who are my support group, my safety net, the ones who will always be there for me and vice-versa. I inveriably (sp?) come up with six people. Four of those people are related to me. The other two aren't related to me but live in another state. Aren't I supposed to have some people who live in the same state? Who aren't my sister? I mean, don't get me wrong, I know I'm incredibly lucky to have that many people who care about me so much. I just wonder sometimes... is there something fundamentally wrong with me that I don't have a group of friends here, where I actually live?
I think I have to accept... this is my life now.