Your Smile On Fire

...from the song Xavia

on being totally screwed up



     In some ways, I know, I am more together, more mature, more grown up, than other girls my age. I'm in college. I'm published. I'm a good kid.

     But then in other ways, I think to myself, I am the most screwed-up girl to ever come out of a functional family. It's true. What is my problem? I mean other than my obsessive analyzing, my constant questioning of everything and everyone around me, my always looking for meanings under the surface (even when none exist), my overwhelming need to KNOW THINGS? Other than that, what's my problem? Right now, for an example, I feel very tightly wound. I'm keeping myself in a bubble - not letting people in. And I'm not even quite sure why it is. Except that I can't deal with things. This is stupid, I know, because compared to people who have real problems, I really have nothing to deal with. But the things I do have to deal with - my lack of a social life, my "invisibility", the way others view me - I can't handle it lately.


     Yesterday I wrote my grandma this long letter, all about this place and the realization I came to in New York, and my whole life. I keep thinking that this time in my life is just something to get through, but... the thing is... besides the fact that this time in my life is going to last about six years (until I get my teaching degree/credentials), what do I have to look forward to after it ends?

     Nothing. Nobody. Nowhere. What am I going to do? I know it's early and seemingly crazy to wonder about this now, but I can't help it. I get excited for the next phase in my life until I realize that the next phase is as empty as this one is and that even if it weren't, it's half a freaking decade away. I try to think of the people, outside of my parents, that really matter to me. The people who are my support group, my safety net, the ones who will always be there for me and vice-versa. I inveriably (sp?) come up with six people. Four of those people are related to me. The other two aren't related to me but live in another state. Aren't I supposed to have some people who live in the same state? Who aren't my sister? I mean, don't get me wrong, I know I'm incredibly lucky to have that many people who care about me so much. I just wonder sometimes... is there something fundamentally wrong with me that I don't have a group of friends here, where I actually live?


     I think I have to accept... this is my life now.





saml said:

HI! Me again. Umm... so here is one of my favorite quotes ever to exist on the planet.“There is no doubt that creative work is itself done under a compulsion often indistinguishable from a purely clinical obsession. In this sense what we call a creative gift is merely the social license to be obsessed. And what we call “cultural routine” is a similar license: the proletariat demands the obsession of work in order to keep from going crazy.”– Earnest Becker. I guess what I'm trying to say is that most things in life that are deemed productive, are actually a big fat lie people need to have a life-fulfilling purpose. So you can be aware that every system is fundamentally a lie and people are liars on the surface. You have the mental capacity to understand this truth because you are involved a creative world that demands your response. In other words it's ok to over think things, for you, because you can and will write about it. (Just bear in mind the answers are not always in your in head) Not everybody has this luxury. Some people have to be narrow minded to make it in their respective fields. You and me, we're probably both a little crazy, but we're both really lucky to be able to handle (to some extent) this level of perception. Believe in what you have to say, accept yourself in all of your craziness, and life will feel much more manageable. Your life is filled with healthy distractions; Blogs to write, books to read, novels to get published, and school work to do. Relationships do make life feel more meaningful, but finding good ones is a whole nother storey... I could lend you my two cents if you want. As of now, I'm good at finding the right friends; I suck at finding the right boys...

P.S. Read “The denial of Death” by Ernest Becker, it blew my mind with answers.

December 11, 2007 5:27 PM


Oct. 15 [going to work soon] [two school essays due; majorly nervous about both] [remember when i wrote that short story where the girl said "majorly" every other WORD practically? ha]