Your Smile On Fire

...from the song Xavia

a very specific loneliness and the fact that, well, I LIKE BEING ALONE

     This may not come as much of a shock to some of you, but I don't exactly need oodles of social interaction. I'm kind of a loner. And I kind of didn't realize this until yesterday.


     I didn't realize until yesterday that I am PERFECTLY FINE being alone. Really I am. I'm not lonely. I'm not desperate for attention from other people. I. Like. It.

     This isn't to say I don't like being with people, because I do. I love it. But I don't love being with just anyone. I love being with the people who I actually want to be with. Recently (and I'm using that word very loosely here) those people happen to be hundreds of miles away, which makes me very very very thankful to live in the twenty first century, seeing as how the only way I communicate to some of them is by email, msn, and texting. But really I'm fine with that.

     I would rather be alone than hang out with people I don't actually want to hang out with.


     That all being said, sometimes I am lonely. But lonely in a very specific way, not just a general gee-I-wish-I-had-someone-to-talk-to way. Because I could find people to talk to if I wanted to. I have people I could talk to or hang out with if I wanted that. But no, the way I get lonely is in a sadder, nostalgic kind of way. Like I'll miss the comfortable lunchtime conversation from my old school, or the insanely good time I had with Mich in New York and when she came out here. Or I'll miss the wonderfulness of being with the four, of playing Monopoly for hours on end and watching America's Funniest Home Videos.

     So basically I don't just miss "having friends". I miss having the right friends. And I'd rather be alone than not have the right friends because really, I don't mind being alone. I like it.



beccam said:

i'm your friend. you make me happy in my heart. no lie. <3

February 1, 2008 12:03 PM

jordynt said:

You make me happy in my heart too, Becca. :-)

February 1, 2008 4:56 PM


Oct. 15 [going to work soon] [two school essays due; majorly nervous about both] [remember when i wrote that short story where the girl said "majorly" every other WORD practically? ha]