Your Smile On Fire

...from the song Xavia

on the lack of growed-up-ness

So guess what? I don't think anyone has it all figured out. I know I sure don't. I used to think, back when I was an itty bitty kid, that teenagers had it figured out. I mean, they have their own lives after all.

     But then I became a teenager and not only do I not have it all figured out, but I'm not even so sure I have my own life most of the time.

     So then I thought that grown ups, what with their insurance and mortgages, and careers and whatnot - they must have it figured out.


But now I don't think so. I kind of think that no one really knows what they're doing, no one really ever figures it all out. I'm eighteen but I go around feeling like I'm not even old enough to drive. I see my friends and acquaintences getting married and falling in love and when I go out it's with my little sister. To the outlet mall. I see them looking at universities, getting scholarships, talking about UCLA and BYU and I'm all, huh? So yeah. Most the time it feels like everyone else has it way more figured out than I do. But then I look at myself how others - strangers - see me. And I see this girl who's got it all together. Or I talk to my good friends and realize that, oops, they don't know what the heck they're doing either.

     And one time I told my dad that I still don't feel grown up, or even partly grown up. I feel like a kid. And he said I'd go my whole life feeling that way, that you never really feel as grown up as you want to. That you always see others having the life you think you should have and it makes you feel like, hey, what's wrong with me? I guess it's true. When I was younger I thought, naively (sp), I suppose, that once I got out of high school I'd be kind of adult. Not all the way adult, I mean not married pushing my little kiddies in their pram or anything (hee hee, look at me all knowledgable of the word pram!), but at least grown up enough to not feel like a little girl playing dress up in Mommy's clothes. (Not that I ever played dress up, because I really don't remember ever doing that.)


I think I understand now why some kids totally mess their lives up. Because life is hard and when you get to the point where you're kinda supposed to figure it all out you realize that YOU HAVE FIGURED ABSOLUTELY NONE OF IT OUT. And losing control is so much easier than going on doing what I'm doing and faking it like, oh yeah I totally know what I'm doing. Words like finals and insurance still seem so grown up to me. Like a game I'm playing at, like something I'm not ready for. It's like there's exclusive club, only the coolest get to join. It's the YOU'RE GROWING UP club. And somehow they let me in and I'm just waiting for someone to come up to me and tap me on the shoulder and be all, "oh, you don't belong here little girl, sorry."


So a question to the all-growed-up Amy, if she's reading this: are you ever really grown up? Do you ever really figure it out and not feel like you're in over your head? Is this just the inane weirdness that is Jordyn or am I really onto something here?


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Oct. 15 [going to work soon] [two school essays due; majorly nervous about both] [remember when i wrote that short story where the girl said "majorly" every other WORD practically? ha]