Your Smile On Fire

...from the song Xavia

i is still a scaredy, only not so much

So I'm trying to stop being so scared. I've been working on this for a dozen years, give or take.


See, when I was little I was afraid of everything. EVERYTHING. Like I'm not even kidding, I'm pretty sure I outdid Chuckie from Rugrats. My parents were probably worried I would turn into a crazy cat lady who never leaves her home or something like that.


An example?

Ok my grandparents have this fantastical tire swing out by their house. It hangs on some metal type of wire and has been there forever. Or as long as forever is to me. When I was little (3, 4, 5? 6?) I used to sit INSIDE IT instead of on TOP of it because I was afraid of falling off and plunging to my death. So ok I was a little scaredy cat. But this one time I'm thinking of, Nice Boy Jordan was over. (For clarification: there were two Boy Jordans. The nice one helped me set up my little kid Beauty and the Beast tent in my grandma's living room then sat inside and watched Disney movies with me in it. The mean Boy Jordan broke my sister's tricycle and threw the cap to my Smackers lip stuff out the school bus window.) Now we were like really little kids. I can't guess an age because we could have been seven just as easily as we could have been three. But somewhere in there.

I'm pretty sure I was taller than him.

And we were by the tire swing with my aunt Lu, who was babysitting us. And we both wanted to swing on the tire swing at the same time, so one of us had to sit on the top. And it made sense for it to be me. I can't say why but maybe because I was older (I was older, right?) and taller. Or something like that.

AND I WOULD NOT DO IT. I probably cried, I seriously don't doubt it. The thought of sitting on the top made me quake with fear inside.


Which is kinda why my whole family is probably pleasantly surprised that I am not living in a plastic bubble.


But anyways, this is all to say that I've always been all terrified of everything. But from the time I've been about sixth grade I've decided maybe I shouldn't be so terrified all the time. I've consciously tried to change that overpowering part of myself. And I still fear a great many things. Like (just a sampling):

  • rollercoasters and generally most amusement park rides
  • bees/wasps
  • tornados
  • hurricanes
  • earthquakes
  • the elevator breaking and plunging down while I'm riding in it
  • getting trapped in the elevator
  • ladders
  • black widows and other poisenous buggers
  • drowning, kind of (I am not a good swimmer at all)
  • having an aneurism (sp)
  • getting dvt
  • lightning when it is close
  • taking the wrong medicine on accident
  • rattlers
  • scary movies

And these are just the stupid fears, not the serious ones like what if my parents die or what if I wake up blind one morning!?

Obviously I have problems.


But I'm working on it, friendlies, really I am!

Proof? Things I am NO LONGER terrified of:

  • potentially living on my own one day even though no way this will happen because if I am not married I will definitely need a roomie because the Jordyn will probably not be all rich and the places she wants to live are not exactly cheap
  • freeway driving (for the most part) (although it does still make me nervous)
  • being away from my parents, except it still makes me sad and kind of unsure of myself
  • someone coming and killing me in my sleep
  • being stung by a jellyfish, for the most part
  • being attacked by a bear or a mountain lion or a hyena, etc
  • waking up during surgery, oddly, has never really been a fear of mine

So yeah. Welcome to the paranoid mind of the Jordyn.



jocelynp said:

Don't worry, I'm as paranoid and crazy as you are! My main irrational fears include being murdered, dentists, doctors, hospitals, elevator cables breaking, planes falling out of the sky, car crashes (though I suppose this is not irrational as it is my most likely way to die), dying various accidental deaths (like falling down the stairs or accidentally falling on a knife or something), electrocution, etc. I also have the more rational worries (something bad happening to my loved ones, etc). Also an actual genuine phobia of hypodermic (sp?) needles. Yes, as in crazy irrational uncontrollable freak-outs at the sight or sometimes even the thought. This does present some problems when I need vaccinations or blood tests or whatever. They said I might need some kind of desensitization therapy.

Why do you classify waking up blind one day as a rational fear?

March 25, 2008 10:15 PM

jocelynp said:

And what is dvt?

March 25, 2008 10:15 PM

jordynt said:

Deep vein thrombosis... when you get a blood clot in your leg... it happens usually from not moving around a lot (like sitting and writing all day, perhaps?) and if it travels to your brain/heart/lungs it can kill you. Is very bad news.

My mom is a nurse and I am a hypocondriac. This is not a good combination.

March 25, 2008 10:49 PM


Oct. 15 [going to work soon] [two school essays due; majorly nervous about both] [remember when i wrote that short story where the girl said "majorly" every other WORD practically? ha]