Your Smile On Fire

...from the song Xavia

feeling this way

It is some sort of curse of mine that I always think I can explain things, that in my head the words always make perfect sense and the person on the other side of the conversation knows exactly what I’m saying when in real life all my words come out mangled and confusing.


Writing isn’t the same thing. I mean, it’s great and I’m so glad that, at least with this form of communication, my meaning finds its way from me to the recipient. But it’s not as if you can write down the words in your head before you say them - even if you did, the other person would interrupt you or your tone wouldn’t be right and you’d be misinterpreted anyways. At least, that’s how I feel about myself.


I feel as if I have to get permission to feel the way I feel - validation, almost. Like I should preface the “feeling” sentences with, “I know this is stupid, but…” Because it is. It always is. Emotions, mine at least, are always stupid. Or they’re not but I still think they are. Or I think other people will think they are.


I’m not sure if I’m the only one that’s like this though. Because one time one of my friends was mad about something, but not really letting herself be mad, and she wrote me and email about it and when I wrote back I told her it was okay to be upset. “I’m giving you permission to be angry,” I told her.


Which, oddly enough, is what I find myself looking for so much of the time. Someone saying that it’s okay to be jealous, angry, nostalgic, sad, whatever. Someone to let me know it’s okay to be mad when everyone else gets invited, to feel like I’m purposefully being left out. To tell me I can be jealous, can miss people, can be lonely.


The thing is I should be like this. I shouldn’t need someone else’s “permission” to feel how I feel. But somehow I always think that my emotions are different from everyone else’s - like no one else in my shoes would be this petty, this upset, this jealous, this lonely, this happy, this ecstatic, this whatever. It’s like I feel the need to reign in my emotions, to not really feel them because other people might not feel the same as me.


Is that stupid or what?


Lucky for me, there are quotes about this sort of thing. And we all know how the Jordyn loves quotes. THEY ARE THE LIFEBLOOD OF CHAMPIONS!! (Please, someone know where this quotes is from. I hate being the only one who knows.) 


Like this, from The Boyfriend List, My problem is I can think whatever I think but I still feel the way I feel. And this, from Tuesdays With Morrie, I thought about how often this was needed in everyday life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don’t let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry. Or how we feel a surge of love for a partner but we don’t say anything because we’re frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship.


So this is my new goal, and sharing with the internets is kinda weird, but whatevs. From now on I am going to work on my emotions and not feeling like I need anyone else’s permission to feel them. I know! So touchy-feely, new agey! I am such the hippie.


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Oct. 15 [going to work soon] [two school essays due; majorly nervous about both] [remember when i wrote that short story where the girl said "majorly" every other WORD practically? ha]