This was the phone I had before I bought the shiny new Env.
Do you guys see it? Do you see the alien phone? Its outer-spacey blue color and diminutive size? Well! That is just a trick, just a slight of hand. Because, you see, THIS PHONE WAS MADE BY REAL ALIENS. FROM THE OUTER LIMITS OF OUR UNIVERSE!
How do I know this? Because of the sound it makes when the battery runs out. It’s this wobbly, not-of-this-planet, we’re-totally-coming-for-you sound. And I swear the first time I heard it I was honestly questioning my sanity (I know, I know, how rare can that possibly be with me?) and wondering if THE ALIENS WERE ACTUALLY AND FOR REALLY CALLING ME TO THE MOTHERSHIP.
You see, it happened like this. The Alien Phone was dying. I would be in the middle of sending a text or having a conversation or dialing a number and all the sudden it would just give up. Shut down. Kaput. It was really getting annoying. My phone, you see, was giving up on me. And keeping that in mind, I thought it would be no big deal to get a new one. I mean, I didn’t think The Alien Phone would go berserk.
So I got the Shiny Envy.
And I proceeded to leave my Alien Phone somewhere in my room, still turned on even though it was periodically shutting itself down. Basically I forgot about it for a while. I was putting music on my Shiny Envy, I think, and also texting with it. So when I heard this faint, wobbly, strange, we’re-coming-for-you sound, it kind of freaked me out. I was like, huh?
I thought I might be going crazy. Nothing on planet earth made that sort of sound. NOTHING! So I thought, Jordyn, maybe you need to get some sleep. Maybe your imagination is going all sorts of crazy on you.
But then I heard it again. And again. And oh dear heavens, I began to question my sanity. I checked the home phone, sitting on my desk. I turned my computer and stereo off and walked around in the direction of the sound. And I found nothing. So then I did a very sophisticated thing in that I DECIDED THERE MUST BE ALIENS OUTSIDE MY WINDOW. And I checked for them in a sort of ha ha, just kidding, I don’t really think there’s extraterrestrial beings out there sort of way. Which, of course, there wasn’t.
BECAUSE THEY WERE CONTACTING ME THROUGH THE ALIEN PHONE. OBVIOUSLY.
Of course, I felt really stupid once I figured this out, that The Alien Phone was low on batteries (and really honestly low on batteries, not just, I-feel-like-pooping-out-on-the-Jordyn low on batteries like normal) and that it was The Alien Phone calling me from space.
Or, whatever, calling me to either turn it off or recharge it. Whichever. You know. It could have been the aliens. I wouldn’t put it past them, I mean they turn that guy’s dog into one of them so that the guy’s neighbor would shoot it and store it in his freezer.
Oh, what? None of you ever listened to The Art Bell Show? LIARS!