That’s right, yours truly. Tonight, I’m writing this blog, possibly finishing an essay for another, watching I Think I love MY Wife on demand, and quite possibly getting drunk with dear old mum and dad. Mmm… sounds exhilarating, doesn’t it? I hate the anti-climactic nature of days made relevant by the media. I’ve been trying really hard to not care about being loser- but today is just one of those days I get to be made starkly aware of how uncool I really am.
It’s ok, no one’s really cool. Cool is a synonym for apathetic hottie with a shortage of priorities. Apathy is an illusion that has to be practiced as emotions are part of the human condition. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And everyone has goals, some people just don’t do *** about them. There we have it; we just exposed cool as a façade.
It’s funny. Here I am being all bitchy and bitter about not doing *** on New Years but the truth is this is probably the best new years I’ve had since 8th grade. Here’s a brief timeline for you.
9th grade- Walked into a house of belligerent high school freshman; some in tears, some in vomit. Got wasted off an alcohol-Nyquil concoction, and ended up cheating on the guy I was hooking up with and actually liked (in his presence) with some grimey high school senior. Shitty, Shitty night.
!0th grade- Rehab, 10:30 Curfew.
11th grade- Alcoholics Anonymous Booze- free New Years in Canada. Guess what stupid teenage ex- druggies do when there are no drugs or booze? They ***… I was 15 and spent the whole night telling this 16 year old kid that “it wasn’t going to happen.”
12th- Oh, who could forget beloved senior year. It was right around the time I started drinking again. I told myself I wasn’t a stupid teenager anymore, I could do this responsibly; treat myself with respect. Wrong!!! Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. I had a party at my house. I, I don’t want to talk about it. It wasn’t that bad I promise, I just fucked up- that’s all. Life was an avalanche of ***-ups after that. One mistake and I forced myself into a party-girl coma. I get like that, all or nothing. I think I try to justify my actions by establishing a whole new identity.
***. ***. ***. ***. ***. ***. ***. ***. ***. ***. ***. ***. ***. ***. ***. ***. ***. ***. ***.
It’s ok, I’m ok. It’s just one of those days I just feel- icky. I’m so little, you know? I still feel like a ten year old in so many ways. I’ve always been a very eager little child, I walked and talked early, I guess I just wanted to experience life. And in a lot of ways I’m glad I did. But, it doesn’t always feel good. Sometimes the empty moments just sting. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to evoke pity or anything- It’s just how I feel. It will go away when I get lost in the distractions of life all over again. I just, I want to let you know that it’s not worth it. Reckless abandon might make for a good story and it provides some perspective, but it’s hard to live with sometimes.
I know. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone feels guilt and shame, it’s inevitable. It’s just… be careful. I’m very lucky. I’m physically healthy, and pretty emotionally sound, but not everyone will be so lucky. Living only for the moment, not believing in consequences isn’t valiant, it’s a spineless fallacy. The Cool thing to do, is often naïve and self-destructive, in all its revered glory. Nothing is a hurdle in time that can be jumped over and forgotten. Just sit, let the pain course through your veins, it will have to sooner or later. Life is filled with boring lonely and empty moments- and it’s ok. Noise-canceling headphones, remember?
It’s so strange. On the verge of my eighteenth birthday, I feel like I’ve come out of a four year- coma. I should rework the 12 steps; I still have them by the way, all my old therapy assignments… One of these days I’ll give them the once over. Now, I just want focus on the present, not forget, just let go of the old stupid bullshit…