April 2008 - Posts

  • Listless again

    I’m pissed because I believed him when he said I didn’t get it- I believed him when he called me a filthy whore who couldn’t fathom a life of morals where hooking up for the sake of hooking up was blasphemy and self destructive- He made me believe that I lacked strength and willpower and that he refused to take advantage of my over generosity because he did not deserve it nor did I deserve the side effects of giving it away- But I get it now- He let himself love once before and he will never again drench himself in the blood of heartache- He wants to *** us as a collective, a faceless audience of hopeless soulless sluts and he doesn’t want to care about her and he doesn’t want her to care about him or believe that she has any right to. If she falls for him he wants to write her off as a crazy clingy *** within the boundaries that his chauvinist society will let him- He is always in the right until he crosses that line- And I care about him and he cares about me and if it’s all meaningless stimulus and you can wake up and not love with lust but love with deep compassion- then he has nothing left to live for. I represent a reality that he needs not to exist because it goes against the sin of being male as well as the sanctity of being Christian. What am I if not heaven, if not hell…

    Silly boy- I am the planet you inhabit.  

    I'm so sorry. I know your wonderful and kind and caring but why then do you complicate yourself with the person you never want to be? Is it because in secret you do or because you are and despreately don't want to be but can be where it is culturaly accepted and expected? Am I pissed because you are not th chauvinist that you pretend to be? Or because you are and excuse yourself by insisting its the male part you have to play?

    I believed you and I don't believe you anymore. I cannot tell you why and there is no way you would ever guess because its buried deep with in your hazy definition of self that you insist isn't self-created.

    But I do care about you. And I will let you live your lie even though if you could help it, you wouldn't let me live mine.


  • Depressing Poem from a depressing moment

    I’m freezing here alone

    And there’s nothing I will do
    The warmth in my control

    And yet my troubles freezing too


    I have a choice and no choice at all

    With in the prison cell of being

    I will not escape the confines,

    This is who I tend to be

    The ends are all the same

    And the method of denial

    What the human calls the self

    Is naught without a child’s terror left to wonder   


    You’ll find the flavors only numb

    Nothing matters

    No, nothing

    Least of all my soulless me


  • I like this blog


    Here I can remember that I’m alive, make sense of my mental and physical circumstance and offer myself to something or someone else out there: All without having to decorate my tone or phrasing to coax some defensive, condescending, skeptic into listening. In this machine, I don’t have to defend my intentions or exercise caution to limit evocation of negative judgment. I can be my biological-biosocial self, character flaws and all, without the burden of bending according to the consequent reactions I perceive. As far as the eye can see, I’m sharing with everybody; faceless, singular, and impersonal much like nobody. And while my brain embraces this analogous absence of social anxiety, it is still infused with the alleviation of secrecy and privacy. In other words I still receive the liberation that comes with sharing. This is my liberation, my full expression of self. And here I cannot cause many abrasions in my immediate surroundings consisting of fellow humans, all of whom are as guarded, selfish, and self-centered as me.

    Lesson of the day: Do not rush to polarize ambiguity; it exists intentionally. Without complications, living is only a series of facts.