Your Smile On Fire

...from the song Xavia

when it all falls apart (& i'm baaack!!))

Remember how I used to blog here? And how I've slowly gotten away from it? And how I want to get back to posting things both at wordpress and at here because I MISS IT? Well my new goal: (or one of them at least) post my wordpress posts here too. Just in case anyone checks them. :) So my last post.... erm. wow. this one is heavy, dudes. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- This has been in my mind for the past couple days and is finally coming to fruition since I just watched the new House episode… I drifted away from many friends when I moved, and a few others for other reasons, and I’ve fought like mad with my best friend. Fought so much that I really thought, this friendship is over, but then I was, thank goodness, wrong. I have lost sleep, have worried, have cried, have felt my world shift because of this thing we call friendship. But never have I gone through the loss of a friend in one full swoop, in one huge event or a chain of life-altering events. Or if I have it was a person whom I considered a friend but who maybe didn’t exactly consider me a friend, so that’s a bit different. But it happens, and it has happened to friends of mine. One in particular that I am thinking of tonight. And I’m not talking about death - that’s a whole other subject - I’m talking about losing a friend because she isn’t who you think she is, isn’t who she pretends to be, isn’t who she used to be, or a whole host of other isn’ts, wasn’ts, and won’ts. A couple nights ago I saw, or at least heard, a flickering of the effects of this. A conversation about “was she there?” and “did you talk to her?” and “no really, be honest, did you?” And as my friend asked these things of the person she was talking to I saw her face, and I saw in it something that was either sadness or anger or sadness buried beneath anger. It was that expression people get when they try to hide what is inside of them but the suddenness of facing it is too much to hold in. Neutral, but hurt. Expressionless, but sad. I wanted to say something, but I didn’t. And the reason I didn’t is simple, straightforward. It was because I didn’t feel like I could. Not only because my friend is a private person, but also (mainly - let’s be honest here) because I was out of place. Because for so long the (best) friend she lost was a girl I was jealous of, for reasons that do have to do with this and reasons that have nothing to do with it. But when that conversation happened? I didn’t feel how I expected to feel. I didn’t feel guilty; the reasons for their failed friendship had nothing, nothing, to do with me. And I didn’t feel smug either, like haha I win you lose! That’s not me. At all. I just felt sad. Because I’ve known what it is like to think you are losing a best friend, but no idea what emotions you go through when it actually happens. I know what it is like to care about someone you have known forever, have grown up with, but no idea what it is like for that to suddenly disappear. Because though I don’t know the exact emotions of the exact situation, I know what is contained in that facial expression. And I know they are feelings hard to deal with; and I know they are deep, not shallow, emotions; and I know they are awful, that sometimes “awful” doesn’t even begin to cover it. But I don’t know what the right thing to say is, or if I should say anything at all. Edit: Ugh. I don’t even know if I want to keep this post up. I said a lot of extra stuff when all I really wanted to say is that I don’t know what to say. Ugh. PS. I tried to format this and seperate the paragraphs but it didn't work and I don't have the time to mess with it right now. I've gotta get to work.



zulayr said:

oh, i've been where your friend is, and you're right- it delves much deeper than the hurt on the outside. And I don't blame you for not knowing what to say. Sometimes, that person may not want to hear anything at all. All they want is to know that they havve someone who will listen to them and there, i guess. Trust me, she might need you more than you may think. Need anyone, for that matter, who'd be willing to empathize.

October 23, 2008 7:12 PM


Oct. 15 [going to work soon] [two school essays due; majorly nervous about both] [remember when i wrote that short story where the girl said "majorly" every other WORD practically? ha]