saml

Do I have to write everyday to qualify this as a legit Blog?

 Oooo darn. This is so f’d up. I want to write everyday, I want to be able to keep commitments. But for some mother fucking reason I just can’t bring myself to do it… I wasn’t going to write today- but then I thought about how sad my (soon to be replaced) shitty laptop would be and I just couldn’t… seriously though, I’m pissed. I can’t sleep and it fucking sucks because it’s hard to function when your sleep deprived… and I took off school to figure out how to function. If you guys only knew the useless bullshit that keeps me up at night… Actually ironically what keeps me up, is my ridiculous analyzations of the human brain. So essentially I’m up all night trying to figure out how to function and the following day I render myself dysfunctional… O ***, what a paradox. I spent most of last night and today writing a psychological proof (I don’t even think that’s a real term) about the nature of human thought. I was trying to figure out how to stop believing in self-destructive truths (i.e. being scene as a badass is important) and start believing in productive ones (i.e. Doing my homework is important). My thesis was that the mind constantly vacillates between introspection and repression. When being introspective, consciously defining our internalized truths, we are unconsciously repressing others; the mind does not have the vocabulary to describe everything it believes at once and if it did, it still lacks the reading comprehension. When we are consciously repressing, (focusing on anything outside ourselves, TV, sandpaper, math homework) we are unconsciously internalizing new truths. (Big *** are hot, I have no life, math is cool…). I think what I tried to do last night was figure out a formula for X amount of conscious repression and Y amount of introspection = optimal mental strength. Is it ridiculous of me to believe the nature of thought can be easily replicated and understood? I know I have to get my *** together but I want to do it right this time. I want to really establish and stick to a well-understood motivation. I feel like rehab just gave me a set of short term repressions so I could temporarily be a productive member of society… Tonight I’m really going to think about what I want in life. And I’m not talking “I want to single handedly cure world hunger and facilitate world peace.” I’m not even talking “I want to help people and have money.” I’m taking about the superficial bullshit no-one wants to admit is important to them (I want to be noticed, I want to be hot, I want your mom)… Because, I think part of the problem is that I’m trying to convince myself that the superficial bullshit isn’t important to me when it clearly is… what I really need to figure out how to do is find healthier outlets for the stupid ***, outlets that don’t interfere with my long term goals… Just do me a favor world… Don’t let me get stuck in the paralysis of analysis. I need to remember I am never going to uncover all that my denial-prone mind has repressed and the truth is I probably don’t want to…

 

Published Nov 16 2007, 10:32 PM by saml

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