It just occurred to me that thinking might not be the most productive thing one can do, though it does often carry that connotation. I mean, we are intellectual animals capable of higher thought, but how useful is higher thought when we are just animals? Not to say higher thought isn’t cool or good for our psychology… because I think it is. But I think we have to remember not to spend too much time in the clouds when we’re living down on earth. I’m suffering a bit from man’s existential crisis; that we are above nature in so many complex psychological ways, but we are still physically in nature.
I find it very hard to suppress my thoughts, when I try; I get a kind of separation anxiety. Saying “no, I’m not going to think about this right now” feels unnatural. It’s like I’m not being true to myself by denying my thoughts the right to surface. It’s funny that to me, I am my thoughts but to you, I am my actions. So who am I? Probably some combination of the role I play in society and the reasoning behind it. It’s funny. I go through extended periods of mindless action and then short periods of all-consuming sleep-depriving introspection. I should probably find a better balance.
Right now I am facing the latter and have to reason my way out of it. But this time I do not want to disown introspection completely however frustrating and pointless it can seem; I’m sick of these mental breakdowns after years or months of repression. The truth about thinking is that with time, we might eventually figure “it” out but we will soon forget anyway. And the truth about actions is that their evidence is eternal as far as we’re concerned. The mind processes concrete proof better anyway.
I have this anxiety about art and writing sometimes too. If I draw a body part too small or too big, I often don’t want to erase it. It may be off in proportion but I’m scared I can’t replicate its other qualities. And I never want to throw away my writing just like I never want to suppress my thoughts. Every product of my imagination feels precious in a way. But editing usually produces better results, and if for one particular instance it does not, the odds are still in our favor. After all, G-d or nature or I, depending on what you believe in, kill(s) his or her or my creations to make room for the new ones. As special as you think you are, it’s the cosmic pattern that is important and not the individuals. I suppose that is how I am meant to think about life as a young adult. It is my life that is important and not the individual moments. So a world modernizes and so a person matures…
When we have revelations of awareness it’s hard not to get caught in the paralysis of analysis. But being aware of that helps us not get caught. That is a paradox that works in our favor. Another one; nothing makes sense unless we make sense of it. To end with a brilliant example, I told my father that it was hard for me to except that success was 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration. And he said to me “Ok, how about 80:20?” And you know what? That really makes it easier…