Example No.1: No safe haven to call “home”.
My parents permanently relocated to a different state after they dropped me off for college. “We” still have not moved into the new house they bought.
Sam: I am getting sick of writing, I should just carry around a tape recorder.
Sam’s Dad: Do you still have the little one I bought you?
Sam: Last time I checked it was in my room… wait, last I checked I don’t have a room…
Example No. 2: No more authority.
Slowly but surely everyone I used to pretend to listen to, hide my immoral actions from, rebel against, feel disappointment from… Teachers, parents, grandparents, therapists, are becoming “just people” to me. Granted, people I love and people I admire… But still…just people. People who cannot shelter me from the truth anymore, people who cannot control me anymore, people with emotions and insecurities, and people who’s inquiries about the world- are often as good as mine. I feel profoundly alone for the first time. Ironic how the freedom I’ve been asking for since pre-adolescence feels like a burden I’m not prepared for.
Sam: I’m getting a boob-job (she glances at her parents’ faces to see their reactions)Sam’s Dad: (Does not flinch) How much will it cost? (Sam looks perplexed that he did not wince and give her a lecture)
Later that day Sam’s grandfather hands her a gigantic wad of money for some coming-of-age reason…
Sam: Yay, I can afford one boob!!
(No one seems to realize that she’s kidding)
Sam’s Grandfather: Just spend it in good health.
And Example No. 3: Out with the fundamental lie, in with the fundamental paradox.
I can finally see the appeal in a life dedicated to math and science where it seems everything can be explained and all the facts add up. But isn’t mathematics a human-generated system? Everything we understand is limited to that of a human understanding. However profound this can be, the truth is certainty still dangles before us at infinity. Fundamental Paradox: Nothing makes sense unless we make sense of it.
Sam’s Grandma: You know Sam, laughter is a good thing, we even laughed in concentration camp. We sang sometimes, we… (she laughs to herself) there was this one time when they moved me to a new camp. I went to the new bunk bed and there was some one in it. I said to her “this is my bed, I have this number,” and the girl says “No, I’m not moving.” (Sam gives her grandma an inquisitive look wondering when this story is actually going to get funny) You know, I was not there as a Jew…
Sam: I know (Sam nods fully aware that her grandmother was imprisoned under the pretences that she was a war-criminal. She only conspired against the *** but they did not know she was JewishSam’s Grandma: Yeah, so another war prisoner walks by and says “those lazy ungrateful Jews, just throw her out of the bed.” I got so mad and just scream “None or your Business.” (she laughs to herself again) None of your business… and here she thinks she’s taking my side. So anyway, she leaves and the girl thanks me, gets out of the bed and asks me why I stand up for her. I say to her “Well… some of my best friends are Jewish.” (She grins and then Sam grins) I listened to one of her conversations in Yiddish later, of course I couldn’t let anyone know I understood, but I heard her say “ O, that girl, that girl who stood up for me, she has such a Jewish charm.” (Sam laughs with tears in her eyes)
Oddly enough, talking to my grandmother really puts things into perspective. My grandmothers goal at a time was as direct as our animal instincts can get- her goal was to stay alive. In everyway that is harder and more serious then any goal I have the luxury to posses. But there is a difference. The body knows that goal; the body is programmed for that goal. I have the opportunity to work toward goals people don’t even know to dream about. These goals are foreign to my animal instincts and I will have to impose disciplined habits on my un-tamed impulses. That’s why I am suffering from the anxiety of the unknown. Because I don’t really know what the *** I’m doing. But I believe my mother when she says everything will be ok. I mean, to a degree she offers fairly dispensable blind optimism. But the truth is, there is no reason to believe life won’t be good. My grandmother and my mother both tried and found success in a life harder than my own, all the while using love and support to help ease the pain. The fact is- I am one of the lucky ones.