Sorry. I’m really too tired to blog. Plus I didn’t really learn anything new today. I talked to my old therapist… that was good. I really am almost out of this anxiety period. I’m coming to accept that my life is what it is. As cheesy as it sounds I’m just trying to figure out how to live it to the fullest. I want the best future I can earn for myself but I also want the most fulfilling present. Balance… Balance… Balance… Balance… So it was really warm today which is unusual as it the winter season. And I was tired all day. O yeah, that’s another thing… I know I’m getting better because my sleep patterns are becoming normal. So yay for me. Anywho, I’m going to turn in early. I’m really going to try to take good care of myself- self satisfy-love my self- happy-happy-happy-happy-happy-happy- think positive…think positive… it’s harder when your in a crazy new environment like college. I mean, you have so many priorities; it’s hard to make mental stability your number one. But seriously, there is no reason why you can’t have a good time, take care of yourself, and do your work, all in the same day. It’s just harder because that means eliminating the quick fix of the whole “get drunk-hook-up-and-feel-shitty-the- next-day scene.” But there are other ways to ease social anxiety… I don’t know. Some people can afford to do that kinda *** in moderation… at this point; I really don’t think I can risk it. That wasn’t even my problem in college anyway. My problem was that I didn’t see why working hard was relevant. I thought life was about being happy and there are much easier ways of getting happy… It’s how I used to think before rehab… Living moment to moment, high to high, eliminating as many sobering voids as possible. In my head I had engineered a more efficient way from point A to point B. I didn’t have to work for my happiness, I could just buy it. And when that little pill or tab or bump or drag’s effects would fade, I would just get myself another… No more reality and no more pain. Did I think I could keep up the charade forever? You know what? As you probably have gathered, at the time, I really didn’t think my brilliant “life theory” through. All I knew was that my whole world had changed and all I could think to do was find a way to cope with the discomfort… I had no vocabulary to articulate what I was feeling and even if I actually knew, I wouldn’t have told anyone. At the time, I was just too proud. (And I said I was too tired to blog…) This time was a little different… Although not really… I don’t know… I thought I was happy… ya know? I convinced myself I was happy in my little self-destructive world because part of me was satisfied… It was dangerous and immoral and having the guts to do it anyway gave me power. But if I can convince myself that I’m happy in a self-destructive world I can convince myself that I’m happy in the real world. I can find power in resisting temptation, in being good to myself, in being successful. Basically I can find power in self-care. Because it’s really fucking hard to find the point of optimal productivity/healthy/happiness. It’s really hard and anyone who finds the motivation and strives for it- is a fucking hardcore badass. Point Blank.
It's funny because these are the kind of lessons I learned in rehab. I did internalize them then, but somewhere along the line, I became sure that they didn't make sence in the real world. But I think the truth is that they were alot harder to accept and stay conscious of in a world where people aren't constantly reminding us of these "higher truths." In fact people are giving attention to and following the very people that work against them. We or at least I have to find the strength to value attention a little less even in it's most mature forms. Nothing will ever be as effective as self-love. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
Ok, one more thought. When I was in rehab it occured to me that if "Old Sam" ran into "New Sam." Old Sam might be inclined to punch New Sam in the face. I'm starting to get that feeling again... but *** it. I can't afford to be judgmental toward myself. I am a friut cake. A happy-go-lucky fucking fruit cake and I love it.