*** it, it’s about time. The flood gates of self-help have been opened, if I want to make a full recovery; I have to commit to honesty…G-d this is like rehab all over again.
It’s been 5 months since I got help for my eating disorder. Now, I know what you’re thinking; don’t tell me this *** was anorexic too. Yes, this *** was anorexic too. And recently I might add. I hate saying this. Its one thing to admit you’re an ex badass druggie. It’s another thing to admit you’re just another one of those… Another one of those pathetic girls obsessed with vanity and being thin. I pride myself on being nothing like them. I pride myself on being all “girl power” and I adamantly fight the hell-hole of superficiality. But I am just another fucking victim of popular culture’s fallacious ( I love that word) seduction. Well, victim would imply helplessness which really isn’t the case- for anyone. I chose to starve myself. In fact, it was fucking brutal. If I channeled the same energy into finding a cure for aids, I might actually have come close to finding one. That’s awful isn’t it? So, why am I coming out with this now? As I said, I’m on the path to a full recovery- a full assessment of what is really important to me in life and how I’m going to get it…
I was good today. I took good care of myself. Talked to some friends, read, did some math, encouraged myself, got the endorphins up… all that jazz. I was practicing yoga and it dawned on me how much I enjoyed it. This time, I didn’t go into the studio telling myself I was all about inner peace, when really I was all about suppressing hunger pangs. I didn’t have to lie or keep secrets from myself. This time I had no underlying intentions to repress. I could breathe easy… And it felt so good.
I figured it was time to recognize that. Time to make the eating disorder an old self-destructive habit rather then one I’ m saving up the strength to reenter. Because anyone who’s ever had any kind of addiction knows; even when you get help, you don’t want to abandon your old coping mechanism. It gave you something, something every human desires; something you’re scared you can never regain… it gave you self esteem.
I became conscious of natural human suffering for the first time when I was 13. Before then I only existed in my sheltered world of childhood, I felt pain, but hardly knew that I was feeling it. I guess I was fortunate to have been able to hold onto those illusions for as long as i did. But when I became conscious of man’s natural feelings of inferiority, I didn’t realize they were natural. Or I assumed because I felt inferior I must actually be inferior. If only I was cooler, less sheltered… I know!! I’ll do drugs. And I did feel cooler, and I did feel less sheltered, and I no longer felt inferior. Awesome!! 60 billion regrets and 11 months in rehabilitation later… I go to high school again. Bam, there it is. My inferiority complex. I’m a rehabilitated 15-year old among a crowd of chic city kids. I don't think AA is in vogue for another ten to twelve years.. Oh, ***, maybe if I looked like that model, I wouldn't feel so... And that’s more or less how it started. Little did I know that insecurity is universal and that its just part of being a teeny tiny little organism in a gigantic universe.
We all have self-esteem outlets. Some people seek to oppress to feel like they are not actually irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. And some people seek to impress. Some people abuse others. While some abuse themselves. But we can find self-esteem in healthy ways; in our work, in our progress, in our commitments, in our self-respect… We unfortunately rely on self-esteem to be productive human beings.
To be honest, I think we are, in the grand scheme of things, actually all irrelevant. But right now we’re not. Right now we exist and have awesome opportunities. We should push ourselves to encounter all the mind-blowing information, all the Truths we can get our hands on, and all the cool people in the world … We can do this with clarity and appreciation for this strange over-simplified over-complicated abyss we are born into. We need self- esteem so we can free ourselves form the condemnation of everything from runway shows to the cosmos. So find it [Sam]! And never look back.
It’s all such a joke, you know? This “pressure.” Pressure to be cool, to be thin, to be perfect… Life is suffering. Nothing is going to take that a way. And instead of abusing ourselves to feel pretty or cool or special in our self-abuse. Instead of abusing others to feel smarter or more important; find ways to numb the pain with out inflicting new ones. Exercise, eat right, get a dog, do your homework, talk to your mom, confide in your friends, free yourself from the burdens of secret behavior, mistakes, or feelings…
Ok, enough pep talking for today. None of this will help anyone who isn’t looking for help. It’s the kind of thing you have to want to want. You have to be willing to give up a lot, a lot of security… I don’t know how to explain it any better. If you’re at the point where you just don’t think it’s possible to feel good about yourself with out being a ***, or drinking yourself retarded, or starving yourself… I suggest you look into counseling. Or maybe you can afford to wait it out a little longer… Or maybe you know you won’t feel good about yourself anyway so why give up your one salvation?
Well, the answer is because you can’t keep it up forever. Because at some point, if you are lucky, you will realize that you can not continue… And when you do, you’ll have to deal with the suffering you caused yourself along with natural human suffering along with whatever suffering comes with your particular circumstance.
Anyway- I’m saying these things for myself because I have to remember them. I like myself best when I take care of myself best. And really, my judgment of myself is the only one that matters. The only thing that is certain is that I exist in this body. No matter how much I’ve tried, I can’t runaway from it so I’m going to learn to love it.
Here’s a poem I wrote roughly a week ago about having an eating disorder. Hopefully it will help you gain a better understanding. I don’t want your sympathy. I don’t care. I want to free myself of its burden by not allowing it to be something I carry in secret. I want you to gain a better understanding. And if you already have plenty of understanding, I want you to know you’re not alone. There is an answer. And it’s not an easy one, but it’s the only one…
This whole city feels like an expansion of my anorexia,
The blocks I came to know like the muscle groups, in my routine from uptown to downtown gym
That’s where I was this summer my friends
Not gone- not resting
I was torturing my body, over expending my energy free of adequate nourishment
And it’s pathetic and it’s embarrassing
That I gave up everything and everyone to watch my flesh sink into the contours of my bones
It’s embarrassing to admit how hard I’m willing to work so that when people look at me they will see the con-
Temporary standard of beauty
And to my fellow masochists
I am so sorry
I know how painful this bullshit can be sometimes
The uncontrollable impulses, the guilt, the very deliberate self-loathing, and the sustenance that is forever equated with the enemy
G-d I remember the fucking helplessness…
And if we speak
I will probably insist that I can exorcize harder
That I can starve myself longer
That I hate myself more
But to the outside world I will feel nothing but Shame in my self-loathing
Why am I such a fucking idiot?
And I will never have the guts to answer…
Because I pride myself on being truthful, on being above the superficial pressure of our culture
But whoever you are, I will blatantly beg of you to love me
Because I obviously have yet to do that for myself
P.S. Hopefully my blogs will be a lot less depressing after this… actually scratch that… I still have to write about my (mildly) retarded brother…
Thanks for letting me share...