Sorry I didn’t write yesterday. My grandma’s internet is often unpredictable. I also didn’t really feel like writing because I was just so damn dandy. It’s hard to write when you’re happy. It feels almost unnecessary. A lot of times for me, writing is a desperate venting outlet when no one else will listen. But it shouldn’t be reduced to just that. I like happy writing and I made a commitment to blog so I’m going to do it even if I feel insecure in my happy-go-lucky fruit-cakeness. Anyway, let’s talk about relationships because that’s been a hot topic in my life since I became acutely aware of my hormones.
Rule number 1. Do not let insecurity paralyze you [Sam]. Like I said, everyone is capable of showing compassion and judgmental assholeness. I think the trick is to know your audience, know how to tap into their compassionate side. Just because you’re scared that X doesn’t care about how you feel, doesn’t mean they don’t. Feelings make a lot of people uncomfortable, a lot of people are taught that they are weaknesses, but everyone has them… You can’t afford not to be upfront with yours. Try as one might, one can’t actually repress human emotion. They still exist within us, some just mistakenly choose not to acknowledge and deal with them. Honesty is key. Writing and talking helps you figure out what you really feel and how to best take care of yourself…
Exhibit A. My mildly Retarded Brother
At 21 he is afraid of people because he assumes no one can love him. He knows that he is a judgmental ass-hole and therefore assumes that the rest of the population must be too. His logic: If he doesn’t take the time to empathize with people, why would anyone take the time to empathize with him? Especially because my brother takes a lot of patience to really be understood. He’s guarded by a layer of cold followed by a layer of crazy.
Mark: I have no patience for people’s bullshit, why should they have patience for mine?
Sam: Because there are a few decent people out there who aren’t so caught up in deflecting their low self-esteem.
Mark: I haven’t met anyone yet.
Sam: You haven’t been in the right environments. You haven’t strived to be. People like that take some looking for. Mark, am I decent person?
Mark: You appear to be.
Sam: See, they are out there.
Mark: Yeah, but Sam, you don’t know how special you are.
Sam: Awww Mark, that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me… (It really is the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me. I can be a judgmental *** too but I am really less in touch with that part of me. I feel compassion first for most people and if I don’t, I try too. With a few exceptions of course, I am only human.) But Mark listen to me, I’ve talked to a lot of people and buried underneath everyone’s defenses is the human desire to love and be loved. Granted some people are very out of touch with their innate human emotions but everyone (except for some very mentally deranged people like sociopaths) has the capacity to care. Mark look at you, you’re such a jerk to so many people and you can be so judgmental. But you care about me. You obviously have the capacity.
Mark: (inquisitive look)
Sam: (Tries to boil it down further) Some people, like you, don’t care about others easily. It’s a defense. If you don’t care you are not vulnerable and therefore can’t be hurt. But if underneath your cold exterior you know you are a decent guy, then couldn’t you assume most people are in that same boat. Underneath it all there is worth someone getting to know and love.
Mark: Thank you?
Sam: Mark, I love you a lot and I think you are an awesome person despite all the external bullshit. Someone will see that if you let them in a little. And someone will love you enough not to feed into your external crap.
The end
The moral of the story is that no matter how insecure you are, you have to assume that underneath the other person’s defenses they feel the same way. Before you get too involved and paranoid about your own feelings, consider the other persons. Consider that they might hurt too and if they can’t find the courage to be honest about it, don’t resent them, feel sorry for them. It’s not easy to live by this and to stay aware of it… but try…practice…
I realized that for better or for worse, growing up with my brother taught me compassion. That attitude and behavior are only means for protecting vulnerability. Everyone is just scared to be hurt… but I’m pretty convinced that nothing hurts more than being paralyzed by fear.