I didn’t write last night because I’m a lazy ho. No I’m just kidding I’m wonderful.
So, I’m back at escuela this week… Crazy isn’t it? It feels really weird: Like I’m walking around in this safe little bubble, which I am- essentially. I might as well take advantage of it. It’s hard for me to think of this campus as school. I’ve never really been able to feel like a part of something big; Never really been able to function as a small fish in a big pond. But this world is kind of big, so I’ll probably have to start getting used to being part of an actual population.
In a lot of ways I feel a lot more prepared for college than I did only a few months ago. I mean even though my anxiety is in full blast and I remind myself at least once a day how ginormous this world is. I feel really lucky and really safe to be on campus. Compared to the real world, this one is a little underwhelming. Which is a good feeling because before I came here I was sort of, well no, I was living in my own world. I was really doing whatever the *** I wanted and nobody demanded anything from me for months. But now I actually have responsibilities to a simulated society and to myself to be a productive civilian. It’s a scary feeling because it means I am less free. But it’s actually a very safe feeling.
I more or less have a role to play. The bare bones of the script are already written. I have just have to read the lines with a little improvisation here and there. And besides, left to my own devices, I don’t exactly have the strength to really hold myself up as a competing member of American society. I have thus far always shrunk back into my own little fallacies. So I don’t have to be so scared right now. I just have to follow a plan and let it inspire me along the way. I’m not going to make money living exclusively in my own head and I’m not going to feel good about myself. I have to expand my Sam world to encompass this college world. And that’s all it is; an expansion of my own little world, demoting the primary goals of my first world to secondary.
Everyone lives in their own little worlds with in little worlds with in little worlds. It’s just as you get older you become mature enough to handle larger more realistic ones, probably because you don’t have a choice. And that’s my opinion, which as an artist I have to express other whys I have nothing to offer society. It is my responsibility to keep talking, so I will even when no one will listen. Being an artist of any kind is after all just a license to continue compulsively speculating about truth and to express your opinion obsessively.