Forgive the delay, but the topic of sex often evokes extra-lengthy rants.
Do not misjudge, I’m not a complete and total exhibitionist. I am a fan of keeping private matters somewhat private. But that’s the beauty of writing; there’s no one else here but me and my shiny red laptop. Writing is my pornography, my Avril Lavigne- my guilty pleasure.
Nothing should be held sacred in creative expression. Creative expression is sacred enough.
So who wants to ponder the actuality of a guy plunging his sharp erect *** (I can’t believe I just wrote that) into a tender and wet ***, followed by heavy thrusting in succession? Who wants to talk about how that sentence alone makes it sound powerful, graceful, and erotic, when really it’s sweaty, clumsy, and awkward? This of course depends strictly on your state of mind at the time.
The goal is to be too caught up in the pleasure to think anything but “Uh Uh Uh.” (Sorry that’s the best I can do in terms of simulated sex noises) But we should all know by now that this is not always the case. Here’s how I see it.
Though biologically sex is strictly fertilization, the act obviously holds much more meaning to humans. We want it beyond our biological cravings, or at least our cravings are strong enough to extend into our thinking. And so because we want Sex with more than just our bodies, it cannot be treated as a mere physical act. There are psychological precautions one has to take in order to ensure that intellectual desires are not sacrificed in the name of bodily ones.
The general rules as I see them:
If you don’t know your “lover” well and you choose to *** them because they’re hot (or along similar lines), you get too caught up in trying to please them. If you don’t care about them enough you will feel detached and become starkly aware of how un-sexy humping really is. But if those things aren’t even in question, you’ll get into it. You may be unsure and nervous in the beginning, but you guys will like each other enough not to let that turn you off. Eventually, if not immediately, you’ll like it. You might love it. You will crave it.
Good sex Cums (sorry, I couldn’t resist) from the equilibrium of wanting and working to please and be pleased. Not too much chase and not too much being chased after. It’s that interest, the flirting, the flaunting, that subtle playful putting out, followed by that animal claiming and conquering. There is nothing more pleasurable than the simultaneous satisfaction of “getting off” and the ego boost of getting your “special friend” off. You’re a slave to and master of sex at the same time. But this idealistic way of looking at sex ain’t gonna happen unless you love your relationship enough to make sure you both enjoy it. You want to be able to trust the person isn’t faking it and that you’re actually good at what you do. And you want to be comfortable enough to not settle for being a mere sex receptacle.
This is why, casual “no-strings-attached” sex, especially among youth , is complete and total bullshit. I mean you’re a fucking teenager, you hate yourself. You’re either too self-serving or too much of a fucking sheep to really care about your sexual needs. And so engaging in the promised act of pure pleasure is not executed correctly. What is the result? Rejection, guilt, shame, a tainted reputation… These things negate half the fun (quick math quiz: what is half fun + -half fun?)
I guess you can argue that some sex is better than no sex. And I would argue that this depends thoroughly on your gender. You would be hard-pressed to find a slutty girl beaming with self-confidence in anything but her body/ general sexual skill. She may think she is a confident girl because she finds pride in her anti-conformist pleasure seeking lifestyle. But this is a fallacy and she will soon see that it is wishful thinking to believe that self-esteem is as easy to achieve as screwing as many people as possible. But why should she not be entitled to this thoughtless behavior, if it is allowed, encouraged even in her male counter-part?
Well, part of it for that very reason. She’s stuck with a reputation he is not. She is shunned while he is revered. I also think it does come down to simple biology. I think girls have maternal instincts that burn with more vigor then the less-necessary paternal ones. I think she inescapably values sex more and in different ways.
But I think promiscuity takes a psychological toll on all genders, hero or filthy whore. It is just girls have to pay a higher price for their foolishness. Is this fair? No, but it’s realistic. It will always be a man’s world because women will biologically and sociologically strive harder for monogamy. Racism will be removed from this earth before misogyny. Look, I don’t like this dynamic, I’m all about role-reversal. But that is a game that has to be played with strategy. Bottom line ladies, no one is going to support your “cause” if you are mimicking the behaviors you detest in men.
Moving on, I had sex irresponsibly. I started too young. Taste it and it becomes a craving; another potentially addictive substance to be managed for those of us who have problems with the concept of “too much of a good thing.” There comes a point when you realize, because it becomes true, that nothing in life is free. We live in a world where pleasure reaps its psychological benefits but not without a tinge of guilt and the looming threat of potential over-indulgence. The fact that there exists an act that has the ability to satisfy both mind and body is truly a gift. But it’s a curse, a temptress who calls to us softly and seductively at all hours of conscious and unconsciousness.
I am pro-fucking. But like alcohol, drugs, chocolate, and the like… it has its repercussions. Once it is in your life, you will never want it out, and so it has to be managed mindfully and with caution. You will inevitably feel deprived from too little and distracted from too much. Consider the other problems in your life. Do you have your school work, your mental and your physical health under control? Can you afford to tip the balance by adding on another weight?
If you can… go on, taste the forbidden fruit. After all what is the joy of Eden if you can’t appreciate that you’re there.
But remember, it is still not simple. One of the fundamental desires of us humans is to be accepted even if we only admit it in secret. We want to be adored unconditionally for who we are. Having a sexual relationship is being accepted and understood in your entirety; Mind and Body. I have lots of relationships where I am mostly mind, that doesn’t scare me because to me, I am my mind. My body feels more like an extension of me, a projection of who I am, if you will. So to be only a body to someone; well that’s so strange. Why would my mind want to be only a body? Actually scratch that. I don’t think that’s a good way of putting it because we all want to escape our minds sometimes. I think the question is; how can it be good for a person to abandon the securities their mind craves in order to fulfill their bodily desires? How can it be good to *** and be fucked, completely detached from the fact that you are both intellectual people who have intellectual desires? One can never be just a body, so wouldn’t it be self destructive and deceptive to act as though one were?
Sex is cool, for sure, but it is my understanding that it is terribly over simplified in its cultural presentation. Now you may say, “Sam, stop being such a girl.” I am often told that not everybody assigns meaning to sex. Not everyone views trustless fucking as an anticlimactic move toward ultimate closeness. Some people crave pure, uncomplicated, sexual sensation to fill the gap now occupied by boredom. And do that I say “Bullshit.” Plainly and simply, if you’re bored, you play some fucking solitaire. If you’re bored, horny, and want some company, you ***. But you are left quite literally screwed if the company is fleeting. Wanting companionship is always tied to an emotion, it could be about feeling abandoned or it could be about wanting gratification. But either way, it is an intellectual desire, one that cannot be met by a mindless act.
See, I can’t tell you if it’s worth it; if the pros of sexual satisfaction and cultural heroism outweigh the cons of the emotional bullshit attached to self-deception. All I can tell you is that sex without trust and attraction is not worth it to me. And I say this as a highly sexual human being. I would rather go six months without any form of “getting off” than six months with even one unfulfilling sexual encounter.
Granted it was not thoughtful advice that led me to the certainty of my conclusions. Perhaps my words are still empty and ring absolutely false to some? But that I cannot know for sure either, because no one ever did talk to me about sex honestly. No one did care to inform me that there was a middle ground between the societal motto of “Use a condom” and the religious “Premarital sex= damnation.” Actually, I take that back. From time to time I did hear “Don’t have sex until you’re ready.” Great … what the *** is that supposed to mean?
Had anyone cared to elaborate, had anyone cared to shake me from my stubborn naïveté and say “Sam, don’t be such a retard, there is no such thing as purity on earth, if at all, nothing pleasurable is without consequence; not chocolate, not alcohol, not drugs… Even masturbation holds the potential for addiction, taste the forbidden fruit and you are forever cast from the blissful ignorance of Eden. “- what would I have said?
Would the light have suddenly come one? Would I have understood and bowed out gracefully from my curiosity? Or would I have said “Thanks for the non-sequitur Saint Marry, but you’re wrong. I, unlike most stupid children, am emotionally unaffected. Sex is [supposedly] fun and fun is fun; like playing on swing sets or petting a kitty.”
But those things were only fun because we were told to stop before we got nauseous and threw-up or before we killed the poor Kitty with our greedy puerile fingers. Our limits and responsibilities were taken care of then, and when we reflect we see those blissful moments as pure pleasure because we were sheltered from the personal struggles of life.
The truth of the matter is when it comes to sex, we have only a vague idea of what we’re getting into. (If you can even call the cultural concoction of the Hollywood sex scenes, the porn, the pretentious boasting, and the blurred biological/religious education vaguely representational) How smart is it to let your curiosity get the better of you at this moment in time? To “put out” with only the guarantee of sexual satisfaction (Which, let’s be honest is non-existent because performance can be lacking on either side) is to rob yourself of the experience that sex is truly supposed to be.”
I know- it sucks. But true to the nature of reality, it’s at least funny and ironic. When you’re little they tell you to treasure your childhood; to not try and grow-up too fast. But I was all “Whatever, whatever, I do what I want.” Little did I know… that when the anticipated time of total freedom came, I would not want to act with the irresponsibility I honored in early adolescence. Cool and life-fulfilling are no longer interchangeable in my mind. I was told that this would happen but I was told in these condescendingly simple words “Everything changes when you get older.” Tell me something, why are life lessons communicated so fucking vaguely?
Why can’t teachers just tell us that optimal arousal is complicated? That it involves ultimate relaxation which involves the reassurance that both parties want to please and be pleased equally. It’s not so shamelessly graphic- at least not compared to some biology classes I’ve sat through… All you really have to say is “In good sex, getting your partner off will make you feel like a g-d. You will want to please them and you can trust that they honestly appreciate your labor. And when you “get off,” well, you get off… need I say more?” Why is it always “just remember to use a condom” or “have sex before marriage and you will burn in the fiery pits of hell”? I mean really.
Why don’t people talk about the psychology of sex? A healthy mind is really the most important attribute in living, is it not? Yes, You could contract aids and yeah, you might go to hell, but it is a guarantee that you will psychologically feel something. Whether is the gratification of “tapping that ass” of the despair of feeling used, you are human and you will reflect on your experience. Especially one as biologically and culturally significant as sex. You cannot just act, as instinctual as it may be, and expect not to think. You are a theological homo sapien unless you are a rabbit or a retard. (I have license to say this, my brother is retarded)
The expectation is unavoidable but here is the best way I can break down the truth about sex: The chase- is exhilarating, the close- is gratifying, and the act- can be both, topped with a layer of orgasmic satiation. (If you don’t know what this alone feels like I suggest you find some good instructions on the internet) But the come-down is inevitable. As with any mind-numbing activity, one eventually sobers up; only you have the power to ease that fall from utopia... Please, allow me one more analogy to drive the point home.
Which option sounds more appealing; waking up hung-over on a Sunday afternoon, book-bag zipped since Friday with a midterm and project due Monday morning or biting the bullet and studying Friday night, still waking up hung-over Sunday but this time guilt-free. Why give into the glamour attached to recklessness [Sam] when you can reap the benefits of responsibility? In theory reckless abandon might seem like more fun because it connotates pure freedom. But what is really more enjoyable, security or uncertainty? Freedom isn’t free anyway. At the end of the day we are bound by at least one responsibility even if it is as instinctual as not to die. So live; live by structuring your responsibilities and pleasures in such a way to cause optimal fulfillment. To put it simply but with more clarity than any public service anouncement I've come by: "Find pleasure in your societal responsibilities and seek pleasure responsibley."