I think I’m done. But that in itself is hard. I feel terribly lonely without my old project as I’ve lost all hope that he’ll change his mind. He got caught in the cross fire. I only wanted to find focus and escape reality. He became the target of my concentration and now that target has been shifted toward my own mental growth. I’m scared now that I’ve stumbled upon some Truth regarding existence. I’m scared because I know that I am fundamentally alone. My only sources of company are my goals, my work, a handful of true companions, and the only eternal; hope. I don’t know. Am I the only one who feels that a lustful trustful relationship would make life so much more satisfying? It’s not that I desire to control another person or even to commit; although clearly that’s what a relationship entails. I’m just a certain kind of person, I just- “I love.” I want to care about somebody who cares about me. I want to make-out with someone and mean it. I want to be accepted; mind and body. They say that it won’t happen until I accept myself. Well, I’m working on it. I just have to let it be. For now I can not satisfy this void my instincts burn to fill. I’d rather be alone than settle for anything less then I desire; A boy who is both intellectually stimulating and emotionally available. I want someone who can respect my opinion and disagree. I want to look at someone and know that I am safe and be hugged and know that they don’t want to let go. I want someone who wants what’s best for me. I want to want what’s best for them. I have the chills. It’s a sad reality I have to face- alot of my age group is scared, brainwashed by their religion or culture or social group, they are apprehensive, they are judgmental, they want to *** around. Well, I don’t. I just want comfort. I want to lie down with someone and feel for that moment that everything’s ok. And I don’t know. I guess most people don’t want that comfort yet. Every boy I’ve ever been interested in has always stood out. They’ve always been special and they’ve more often than not, been older. They catch my attention through their unique way of being and the older ones seem to understand my search for a safe-haven. But always, I am in over my head, I’m always too young, too bubbly, too easy to please, too easy to hurt. I’m too easy to treat like a little girl and I’m too easy to control. After all, I find them because I understand them. And they hold me and tell me everything I want to hear. I can’t help but believe it. I want the security and I can’t resist the urge to believe that I can be a kid again. I still want to trust someone whole heartedly to take care of me. And I forget that I am my own person who has to stand on her own two feet. I soon become a malleable child and it’s my fault. So much of me is scared to take control of my own life.
That’s why I’m sticking to my age-group. These guys can’t lie to me persuasively, the way I want to be lied to. They will look to me for answers; they will remind me that I can never return to the sheltered utopia of childhood. They won’t call me “kiddo”, or they might but I won’t let myself believe it. I’ll know they’re a kid too.
P.s. So this blog is sort of more poetry than prose. I'm not sure if I'm going to write anymore about this specific guy. I don't know. I don't want to make myself seem all creepy and clingy. Although I don't really care. I also think that if he ever read this hypothetical blog, it might make him ultra- uncomfortable. Then again, his comfort really isn't my problem anymore. Mmm... Maybe I will write. I wrote some kick-ass letters. Plus he never gave me any closure, and I feel obliged to flaunt my creative expression. In my art I have already made the comitment to hold nothing sacred... But I don't know if I need to expose this particular situation to get closure. I feel like I might respect myself more if I let it fade from my thoughts quitely. Any opinions?