I know this post will come off rather passive. It is. But I do think they are words worth noting.
I truthfully try to suppress my power-hunger or at least I try to channel it harmlessly. I want to refrain from being a ruthless *** and I have no interest in causing any misery. I know that in life it is often very hard not to take things personally; I am very sensitive to this. But know that I only wish to be a good writer and to showcase the talent that I’m working hard to develop. If I can avoid doing this at the expense of others, I will. I know the previous post is rather tactless and I will revise it soon for my own reasons. But please, to anyone I have hurt or may hurt in my writing, take comfort in the fact that I do care deeply about human emotions. And while I may not have a problem confessing my own flaws, I can respect the prideful nature of this world. I can respect anyone that wants to remain under the cloak of human decency. It is only my subjective opinion that this term is just a fallacy and that we are all weak and selfish.
Know that my opinion reveals nothing about the quality of any one person and only displays how I choose to perceive them. The light that I shed upon them has far more to do with my own emotional reactions, my own flaws, then who they are as people. I am imperfect (shocking, I know) and all I have to go on are the ways that I have felt and understood the world around me. I assign past emotions and interpretations to people who display some of my past behaviors. It is in my nature, for better or for worse, to think until I make conclusions or deem it impossible to do so. Perhaps this is how I get my power; by assigning self-invented explanations to nearly everything.
It is possible that I am way off base just as it is possible that I am right on target. How accurate you judge my depiction is only a testament to my talent or lack thereof. I am aware that I can never really know how true my understanding, especially because I am often pessimistic about people’s true level of self-awareness. That is perhaps my own flaw. But please try to remember, whoever you are, that once you become a literary described representation of yourself, you are hardly more than a fictitious character. I am not apologizing for how I see or once saw a particular motive or situation. Nor should you apologize for how reading my interpretation makes you feel. Depending on who you are, I will listen to your reaction and evaluate whether your emotions are more important to me than my commitment to self-expression. It’s just, I have troubled myself long enough with other people’s judgments and I am quite ready to kick that habit.
I refute any attempt at guilt, spite, or just plain denigration with stern apathy. Once in a while I excuse emotional responses if they have an equal amount of legitimacy. I do try to be an open person, even to criticisms I don’t like to hear but only if I believe them to be well-founded. I guess what I am trying to say, is that despite my efforts, I am still a self-centered person who will defend her own vulnerabilities at the expense of others. I do not believe this to be anything more or less than human and I do not expect anyone to be above this natural mechanism. I understand people will react emotionally to what I have to say, I just refuse to turn their accusations inward. Just as I say my perceptions only reveal my own qualities, so too do I hold this true for others.