O lord… I really hope I can make money off my neurosis, otherwise I am so ****ed…


O Jeez. If I don’t find success in some creative field, I am going to end up poor and friendless.


See, you would think with all my ranting that I’m a very bitter and angry person; but I’m not. In fact, quite the opposite, I’m pretty happy-go-lucky.  No doubt in part to modern pharmacology. ( P.S. Thanks guys!)


The truth of the matter is that I’m just a hopeless neurotic. It’s cool- I enjoy contemplating every detail thrown into my version of life. Well, not every detail, it has been somewhat of a struggle to stop my brain from over-analyzing, but I’m getting better. Anyway now that I don’t have a drug addiction, a crack head obsession with getting into college, and/or hunger pangs to suppress… my life feels... kinda empty. So what do I do now that my brain is unoccupied by self destruction? I think.


Thinking use to be my greatest vice. I use to let my own mind inhibit my self-esteem through paranoia or other means of feeling shitty. But now I have trained my thinking to be virtuous; I use it to save me from the anguish and discomfort I believe every human is predisposed to. Now I contemplate everything I enjoy contemplating or until I satisfy myself with some inspired perspective.  


And I write/draw simply because if I didn’t I wouldn’t have an excuse to contemplate. It really is as simple as that. Without my creative outlets, I would be just another crazy neurotic with obsessive thoughts. I can either choose to honor my analytical mind as a gift or reject it as a curse.  And let’s face it, the methods I’ve devised for rejecting my psyche do not say good things for the future. I’m an only left to conclude that I am my neurosis, resent it and I am only resenting myself.


But still being myself is not enough to sustain me in this reality, not even in my own. My sincere hope is that I possess the talent to really inspire someone and the perseverance to actually make a living.


P.S. I’m not going to finish my Essay tonight, soon though. It covers this topic and I’m really excited about it. But now, I gots to go to sleep- I have a plane to catch.



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