I feel so numb. Like I just want to do my work… I wish I could be enthusiastic- I will be soon. But for now I’m just scared; scared to *** up again and scared of how I’ll handle this abyss of tension that I spun. I’m human, I make mistakes and there is no doubt in my mind I will find myself in the discomfort of paying for them. I hope I’ll be ok. I think I will. I do have my own agenda and I think I’m strong enough now to really truly not care what others think of me… I sort of deserve the back lash of this sticky situation. I know that; I’m just scared it will be hard to deal with. I don’t blame or hate myself for the mistakes I’ve made; I know they were just externalizations of an internal battle. But I don’t expect any sort of compassion to be shown, especially not in here- in this rigid and competitive environment. But maybe I’m being too pessimistic. Maybe people can see that I’m just a girl who takes action hoping to feel at ease, just like everybody else. Sometimes I make mistakes and cause pain. And sometimes I pay the price. I just hope that if I do find my character under scrutiny that I can handle it without taking it personally. I hope I can remember that anything toxic thrown in my direction is a result of somebody else’s mistaken way of feeling at ease. It doesn’t matter- no matter what I know I’m good inside. I care. I know.
Wow, I haven’t written in a while and I feel naked when there is so much to write about so many new notes from the many new realizations. I didn’t make time when I found myself in an overwhelming state of bliss with the company of my true and beautiful friends on my birthday. The big one eight mother fuckers. I hope to finish articulating my ideas soon before classes start and I find myself too preoccupied for introspection. Stay tuned, ok? Worry about me if I’m not writing. I need this outlet to keep me sane or rather too stay in my own unique and uplifting adaptation of insanity.