Why am I so out of it?? Part one: When I can’t decide how to pass the time…

Help me understand as I attempt to force the glimpses of revelation confined to note form into one coherent blog. I’m not my usual self right now and my thoughts cannot form without registering this trying unfamiliar fog. I could be sick, but with what is a question I’m not ready to asses. Instead I assume it’s a combination of exhaustion and withdrawal from leaving behind [however temporarily] my comfy college life and entering this pseudo home in the middle of fucking nowhere, California. 

I’m light headed, I’m tired, and I’m hungry. It’s frustrating because it’s unlike me and this alien lethargy weighs heavy on the motivated mentality I’m trying desperately to gather. There is so much I want to get done. And where is the usual vigor that permits my seemingly speed induced productivity?

It’s not just psychological. This is some sort of physical consequence resulting from the events of these past few weeks which I can only begin to describe by prefacing with analogous artful imprecision.

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way-in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.” – Charles Dickens

This chapter in my life has been most enlightening and like this opening from ­A Tale of Two Cities (Which I have yet to read by the way), I have come to appreciate its graceful chiaroscuros. Ambiguity is what makes life poetic. Living in uncertainty- wanting to be good but craving to be bad- loving unsure of how far down your body that love extends- getting a selfish thrill at someone else’s expense knowing it will hurt but refusing to allow them undue empathy- Letting yourself have feelings for someone because they’re cute or you get along and you’d like to entertain the idea of not being alone- Knowing it’s nothing less selfish than that and accepting that you have control over what you choose to value- experiencing the power in non-attachment and learning that it’s just another repressive world-view one can get attached to- and finally realizing that the ability to relate is only half the battle; that a relationship is worth nothing unless you sanction the possibility of relating to each other. Anything else is just some fucked up form of sadomasochism to which I have often childishly fallen victim out of fear of many things, among them; dullness in life. But there is nothing dull about balancing vulnerability and composure and getting close to someone as they struggle to do the same.

My life will always be melodramatic. I unconsciously/subconsciously/consciously make sure to keep it [or perhaps see it] that way. The world I’ve created within the light and walls of my perceptions is one I will spend my entire life depicting and insisting that what may seem ordinary is in fact a work of art. I’m like the not-so-anonymous, less conniving Gossip girl (speaking of melodrama- what a fantastically awful show) who insists her observations are news worthy only because they threaten to expose you. But I do not wish to be cruel- I only enjoy making sense of my conscience and emotions by deciding what values are self created, which are imposed and in turn which deserve my time and energy.  Hugh Hefner said something like “You only get one time around in this life and if you don’t make the most of it, you’ve got no one to blame but yourself.”

For me, part of making the most out of life has come to include the consistently mentioned exploration of individuality but my maturing ideals now include a socially constructed method of success. I desire to be a hard-working student, yes out of the love of learning and the thrill of intellectual growth but I’d be lying if I said the ego boost and opportunities that come with good grades are not a motivating factor. This goal has risen up the value scale to at least priority two if not higher but a conflicting priority that will always rank somewhere near the top is; experience. It has always been in my nature to take advantage of every moments potential for adrenaline. I suppose that’s what still draws me to drugs.

Because of society’s constant reminder of how disgraceful and illegal drugs are, drugs will always, if nothing else, pack the adrenaline punch of rebellion. [Breaken’ the law, Breaken’ the law…] I say “if nothing else” because quite frankly, sometimes drugs really suck. Sometimes they induce obsessive self deprecating thoughts, sometimes they are sickening, sometimes the symptoms of a high are out of sync which leads to paranoia as you ponder what chemicals might be added, sometimes the company at the time is unfamiliar and the situation becomes unforgivably awkward, and sometimes you realize that drugs do not alleviate boredom as they are not an activity and the only thing that has really altered your situation is an anxious refusal to sit and accept your lackluster circumstance.      

However, because drugs carry such a disgraced stigma, because they are believed to be so substantial in their negative side-effects; they will always be the dare devils poison. If only they weren’t so anti-glorified and people would tune down the over drama and instead nonchalantly advocate the hard hitting truth about drugs; they’re kinda fucking stupid.

I would never deny that in most cases they are counterproductive and a waste of precious time but I will be so bold as to ask what if a person has the time to waste?  What if someone, hypothetically speaking of course, has just finished there last final and is chilling on an empty college campus for a week, belongings all packed and sent home, waiting anxiously to see a favorite band’s concert. What if this person is stuck in love triangle of personal politics, secret alliances, power struggles, deep trust, mistrust, obsession, deception, disorder, disorders, empathy, attraction, philosophy, distraction, revelation, common ground, addictions, prescriptions, loneliness, competition and sexual tension? Is anyone else intrigued by the potential for adrenaline from this hypothetical melodramatic experience?

[It was a dark and stormy night…]

She and I were both similar kinds of crazy; he and I were both analytical observers of our post rehabilitated lives. She was his ex-girlfriend and the only one willing to save him from utter abandonment. He promised to conform to the hazy boundaries of loyalty she outlined, violating what he technically could but perhaps shouldn’t. It all depends on whether your moral scale weighs in favor of boy or girl, prodigy turned prodigal or the adviser turned adversary, self-serving or self-righteous?

 She believed in G-d, he believed in drugs, and I guess I believed in some of both. The story will be told with justice to its many facets one day but for now it’s important to know she was gone for that week. I was lonely and desperate for adventure but still apprehensive to borrow his company.

Below is a conversation with a mutual friend of hers and mine who once ironically played a role in our tensions as well.

The Hypothetical me: I want to see him but I’m scared to reduce myself to majoring in drug addiction  Mutual victim of tension: Haha well said  THM: I’m only one step ahead with a major in art- I can’t afford to stoop any lower  MVT: True- very true THM: But I relate to him- I wish I could help him  MVT: That’s not ur responsibility Clear Chat HistoryCouldn't retrieve chat history

THM: i know... i just wish i could. She [being the third side of the triangle) is so naive... what is she doing??

 MVT: She’s being stupid THM: But he's not being cruel, he's just being pathetic, stepping on the people he cares about because MVT: very very stupid THM: she doesn't get ithe'll say anything as long as it gets him his drugs MVT: exactly THM: and he wants his drugs to forget...I sympathize with him because I see myself in himI sympathize with her because I see my friends and family in her
MVT: u should talk to her? THM: I tried but she doesn't get it, she thinks it's something she can confront him about and it will go away... but it's who he is choosing to be right now
MVT: ugh THM: it doesn't matterwe’ll all go our separate ways and it will all work itself out
MVT: trueUntil then don’t involve yourself with him THM: yeah... i remember how terribly lonely it was then though... living from fix to fix... MVT: it must be terrible
THM: I just wanted to be held... you know?? But instead I was yelled at, or lectured, or encouraged, or fucked up, or fucking...
MVT: I’m sorryI’m sorry u didn’t get what u needed THM: it's ok, I was confused then and it’s hard to get what you need when you don't ask for it- in fact you do everything in your power to pretend you don't need ityour too tough for lovetoo strong for it or whatevertoo apathetic... maybe MVT: and thats why its so hard to get overcuz its the last thing u want but at the same time exactly what u want
THM: Yeah- it's a fix- Drugs give you so much... a pursuit, a power, stimulation, an identity, a kind of anti-heroism, attention, a numbness... but you Only crave those things to fill the hole caused by the absence of love/friendship/compassion/companionship... whatever that you perceive MVT: so it’s basically a never ending, unbreakable cycle that just feeds on itself
THM: until you somehow get it through ur head that your efforts to replace the loneliness is fruitless if using drugs and the company of drug users MVT: that must be hard to realize tho
THM: yeah, especially because even when you do the loneliness doesn't go away... you have to learn to live with it while working for what you want
MVT: oye THM: but usually your life is so far fucked it's hard to believe there is really a worthwhile alternativethat’s why most kids have to get sent away MVT: that makes sense THM: Anyway, I feel for him- that’s all MVT: I understand why u do THM: I want to save this conversation and give it to him, actually
MVT: do itit might help himu have a lot of insight, obviously THM: yeah- but it's also entirely possible I'm projecting myself onto him... maybe his story is different... MVT: well yeah maybe... but i still feel like addiction has a lot of common ground THM: Yeah, I mean I don't think I'm wrong, but then again, I never think I'm wrong... MVT: hahai think ur right in this case tho THM: Well, even if, it would still help him to articulate the differences in his story and perhaps force him into self-reflection
MVT: good pointself-reflection = good THM: Yeah... he knows how... maybe we can just talk in public with no drugs MVT: thats a good ideasober talking
THM:you should come...yay!!
MVT: haha id feel so awkward THM: so drink firsthahahaJust kidding MVT: hahah
THM: its ok, i'll make it less awkward... I'm so good at that [wink wink]
MVT: hmmm perhapsif nothing else im coming to at least see u tho
THM: plus you should talk to him, he really is a chill guyI may enjoy his company more than I enjoy hersWhich is really fucked up MVT: haha no i know ive talked to him quite a few times... hes actually friendly and easy to get along with THM: It funny how he's just a kid, a good somewhat well socialized kid, just like the rest of us... he's just neurotically utilizing mind altering substances to feel what most people have to earn in life...I have to stop psychoanalyzing people
MVT: haha u should become a psychiatrist THM: aahhhh... no... That’s too legit for me... I'm committed to my worthless major
anyway... I read too much I like psycho Babel *** because it helps me understand myself, but I think really he's just procrastinating doing life and trying to feel as if has something worthwhile to pursue and care about
 MVT: ahha good point.. too legitoh yeahur right i think THM: wait, what was that... I didn't hear you. Did you say I was... MVT: hahah dont make me repeat itu get one and thats itCherish it THM: I feel like I've just been baptizedThank you Father MVT: hahahaanytime my child THM: I love you Hey, I think I'm getting better at interacting with boys without thinking about sex...  MVT: haha thats goodull get it eventually
THM: Yeah... I mean... I've just been having really great conversations with different guys and I keep thinking like wow this is nice, I like talking to you without letting my mind wonder to whether or not he wants to do meIt's hard for me to have intellectual chemistry with a boy and not want to test the chemistry further MVT: That’s so good! THM: but I suppose I should let him do the testing if he wants to and just be like normal girls and take the interaction at face value MVT: yes exactlySamantha ur thinking like normal personi like it THM: No- I'm thinking like a girl standardized by gender roles MVT: haha shut up THM: hahait's true thoughI'm essentially saying it's abnormal for a girl to go after what she wantsand instead just surrender the ball to the male's court MVT: haha i guesss THM: yeah... MVT: ur a goof
THM: Yes it is true...but would you have me any other way?? MVT: haha of course not
THM: goodI love you too MVT: haha i love you? THM: Yesyesyou do MVT: yeash THM: typing is hard MVT: agreedwhy do they make the buttons so smallor keys or whatever they’re called THM: I don't know... To be fair to people with smaller hands? MVT: haha i guessbut wouldnt u thinkthey could make them smallerand then it’s fair to everyonethe smaller hands people would still be ok THM: Maybe they measured the average hands span and optimized the buttons to fit perfectly in the found leangth
MVT: haha if they did then im ok with thatbut i bet they didn’tbastards THM: giggleI seriously just laughed out loudmy wordthis has been quite the experience
MVT: hahah agreed THM: I think I'll call it a night... I still try to save this conversation though... Goodnight *Mutual Victim of Tension* MVT: haha ill most likely cya tomorrow goodnight *The hypothetical me* THM: *yawn* MVT: haha get some sleep foo THM: aye, aye captain- can't figure out how to save it though MVT: ah thats okitll live on in our hearts   To be continued…




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