Totally twisted.

Is it possible to become artistic?


I want to be able to draw. To draw well. Im already 16 and so far nothing has really kicked in. Is it too late for me? Through observation and practice can I just pick it up?


 Deviantart.com is one of my favorite places to go on the web. Im pretty sure it is the largest collection of artists on the web - from writers to traditional art or digital art, jewelry, anything that hints at creativity.


I want to have a character. All the great artists I know have many characters that they alone can draw better than anyone else because this person comes straight from their imagination. Everything about this person or animal or even a mixture of the two they created.


Lately I've been thinking about who my character would be.


Male, definatley. Vampire, yes. When he smiles, which he doesn't do very often, you can see his moon-white canines, enlarged for his purpose. He would be very dark in personality. A sexy, mysterious dark. His hair would be jet black, preferably short, but maybe a little longer in the front. It would flow over his eyes to give that mysterious feel. One of his eyes is the purest green while the other is a magical grey. Looking into the grey eye you feel as if he can see into your soul, assessing your being. He has a stud in his labret and in his ears a few more studs and a couple rings. From his collarbone up to where his chin meets his neck, is a tattoo all the way around of black flames. At the back of his neck, there is a gothic cross rising out of the black flames with a red ruby in the center. In particular places around his neck there are small painted red dropletts of blood at the tips of the flames. He has more tattoos, but I have yet to imagine them, most likely one on his chest, his wrists, and maybe even his ankle. The one on his ankle you will just have to believe is there even if you can't see it. He wears tall black boots most of the time. He is very tall. 6"1 or 6"2, very muscular - a girls dream. But he is gay, sorry ladies. Today I tried to draw him and I asked Sarah what else should make him up. She didn't offer much help, she even critisized the way I think in a very subtle way.


I think this is one of the major, major places Sarah and I differ. Maybe even our greatest difference. The one thing Sarah knows very little about is my imagination. Sarah's mind is grounded while mine is up in the clouds, I guess you would say. I don't like 'coming back down to earth'. In dreams anything is possible, anything can happen and it will. It doesn't have to be logical or acceptable. In dreams anything goes. We both love books, but Sarah reads those books in the Teen Girl section of the store (where you will probably find 'Red', lol), the books about a girl's trip to become popular or how many boys she can date in a week. I read Anne Rice, I've read all the Harry Potter books multiple times (Sarah has only read the first two, and that is after I begged and pleaded her. She doesn't plan on reading the rest, can you believe it?), I love reading books in the medieval era. Unrelated, one of my favorite series is the 'Black Jewels Trilogy', look it up because it would take quite a lot of typing to describe it, but I highly recommend it. I convinced Sarah to read them and she loved it too. I often find that Sarah likes the types of books I read, but she doesn't go and search for them like I do.


I love to read fanfictions on the web. That was something of a secret to Sarah in the past, I just recently told her but she still doesn't know too much about it.


Right now I don't long for relationship. I don't need someone to smooch everyday. I love men, but I love the ones in books and in my imagination better (kind of sad and desperate, don't you think?). Sarah has a boyfriend right now. Shes had a few relationships and they aren't very far between. When she is out of a relationship, she often goes right on pursuing another. She calls them her 'projects'.


Okay, honestly, in a way, Sarah doesn't understand me. At least a certain part of me. Neither does my family. It scares them when I want to go into Hot Topic and look around for a little bit. Sarah hates Hot Topic and she critisizes me for liking it a lot. My parents slightly freaked out when I told them I wanted to get the top of my ear pierced. It took almost 2 years of convincing to let it happen. My parents hate it when I buy (or even say I like) anything black. One of my favorite bands is My Chemical Romance and when I saw this zip-up hoodie I really liked they almost didn't buy it for me because of the color. Actually, I kind of lied to them. I told them it wasn't black, it was actually a dark grey (lol).


So many things are going through my mind right now. I've never really sat down to think of it, but Sarah and I, we are very different. 'Two peas in a pod' people say, but in the pod Sarah is a green pea and I am most definatley a black pea. In her essay she rants on about how she wishes I could be like her, but I am not like her and I don't want to be! She may be skinny and pretty, but I accept the way I am and I am not ashamed of it nor am I desperatley trying to change anytime soon.


Arg! I just don't know what to think. I feel sort of mad at her right now, but also mad at myself because I just realized all these secrets I have. In my essay I wrote about how we had no secrets, but now im thinking what the hell!? When did I stop trusting her? I kept these secrets because she was always critisizing me, telling me that she didn't like the things I liked, that I was starting to be weird. I feel like if I tell her my secrets she would think differently about me, she wouldn't understand.




That's why I want to draw. To show them my secrets, illustrate them. Maybe my family, and especially Sarah, would get it. In my world it's not the popular, brunette, swim-team member, hollister babe that catches my fancy. Its the dark, brooding, mysterious night-walker that is plagued with deep battle wounds and inner scars that my heart belongs to. I want to be the one to heal those wounds and erase those scars.


I love you Sarah, but I am fucked up.


My mind is twisted and tangled to a point where no one can get in and nothing can get out.


wow. This post really did a 180 on me.


No Comments