My brother's friend stole my ipod right off my computer desk today. When I noticed it missing I called my mother and my dad first to ask if they had borrowed it, but I knew the truth anyways.


Ben did feel guilty at first though. When I called him after my parents, I didnt come right out and say it was missing, I just asked if he borrowed it like I did my parents. He was at work so he just said no and then hung up. About 20 minutes later he called me back and we had this nice little conversation:


"Hey, since your ipod is missing, what do you want for christmas? An ipod nano?"

I asked him why would I want an ipod nano if I already have an ipod.

"Well if you cant find it, what do you want for christmas?"

I asked him why I wouldnt be able to find it.

"Look, im just trying to do something fucking nice for you, now what do you want for christmas?"

I sighed. I told him I dont know what I want for christmas. Then he hung up.


Its funny because neither of my parents called Ben after I called them the first time. They didnt tell him it was missing either. So when I called Ben and asked him if he borrowed it, he put 2 and 2 together and that's why he called me back. Because he realized he made a mistake trusting this friend of his.


But then Ben started to think only about himself. He didnt want to be blamed so he started changing his story. First he tells my parents that Yes, he and his friend came over, but they never went downstairs. Next, it was "We only went downstairs so I could get a clean shirt". Then later it was "No, my friend didnt come over today, it was yesterday that he came over, so it couldnt have been him, I got confused."


I had a concert tonight. When I came home Ben was eating in the kitchen. He didnt say anything to me when I walked in. He is never going to apologize now. His story goes along the path that it wasnt his fault, so he shouldnt say sorry.


I feel very strange right now as I am writing this. I am not a material person so I dont really care if Ben buys me a new ipod or not. I dont think I would accept it even if he did. I feel so betrayed. Im shaking all over. I feel lightheaded. Ive never felt this way before. I feel sick.


Im not mad. Not mad at all. Maybe this is what heartbreak feels like. I hated Ben, but I still loved him. He wont say sorry. He isnt going to confront his friend. He probably wont even mention it. He will still hang out with this kid. After selling my ipod he'll probably even split the alchohol or drugs he buys with Ben. I wont leave my new digital camera by my computer anymore in case Ben decides to invite him in again.


Im still shaking. Im not crying. Its a waste of time. Crying is when you are sad and I am not sad.


I dont want my parents to buy me a new ipod. They gave me that ipod for christmas last year. How funny. They shouldnt have to buy me a new one. I'd rather buy it myself. My throat feels constricted and I am still shaking. I dont know if I am making myself shake or if it really is my body doing it. Shaking to the point that my legs are twitching.


Ben has never read my essay in Red. He probably never will.


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