I get scared sometimes.
When you're a little kid, you fear sleeping without a nightlight, or the monsters in the closet, or the boy with cooties who lives next door.
But then you grow up and you wish you still feared those things.
No, then you grow up and you start worrying about things like your future and your accomplishments and if anybody really cares what you do and if you'll ever amount to anything and if you'll ever achieve those goals that you set for yourself.
It's easy enough to tell yourself to just live day by day, to not worry about the future but just about the next class, the next test, the next semester.
But I get scared sometimes. Scared that thinking like that isn't going to work.
I have friends who know exactly what they want to do for the most part. Finish college, go to grad school, get x job and live in y city. And I know that I'm not the only person my age who has absolutely no idea what to do, who only planned as far as college. But it gets unnerving when I think about planning my schedule for next semester, when I don't know if I should plan towards the possibility of grad school, if I should be thinkin about specific jobs I might want, if I should be trying to accomplish goals before it's "too late" even though I don't know when "too late" is or what those goals might even be.
I get scared sometimes, because sometimes I feel that overwhelming sensation of having no idea who I am or who I'll be or who I'd like to be. Part of me thinks it's hilarious and silly that I worry about these things—I'm nineteen and I've got a whole life yet to live and what do I really know by now, anyway? But it's that push in this world to get success early on, to get a good job and earn good money and leave a good impression on the world and make something of yourself.
I feel like I've already missed out on so much already. I want to have traveled the world or something. I want to have gone on that Great American Road Trip. I want to have finished that first novel. I want to have done something really important. But I haven't done any of that, and the more I think about it, the more worthless I start to feel, and then I feel even more worthless for feeling worthless in the first place, and then it's just a dumb neverending cycle of worthlessness that doesn't even make sense because it's not like I've done nothing, it's not like I'm eighty years old and have wasted my whole life.
I get afraid that I'll fizzle out before I've even begun.
Traces of it seem to come up, like when I have good, strong starts in writing projects—hell, even whole drafts finished—and then it just... stops. I can't move on. I can't get past those walls of what happens next. And as much as I'd like to just keep writing and see what happens, I can't. Nothing comes out. Absolutely nothing.
I'm not going to lie: I have this overwhelming need for people to like me, to maybe even want to be my friend, to maybe even feel like I'm a really great person. But I don't usually feel like that really great person—after all, I'm just the girl who goes to class and then comes back to her room and sits around and doesn't do much besides go on the internet and read articles and browse facebook and twitter and attempt to write and eventually do homework. It gets too hard to drag myself away to go to that All Ways of Loving meeting or to practice my violin (even though I desperately need to).
And I guess it all boils back down to fearing that I'll never be good enough, I'll never finish what I start, I'll never achieve whatever it is I aim to achieve. I like to put up a strong attitude, like to say those confident words and tell people that I think I'm amazing. And I guess some or a lot of the time it's true. But deep down maybe it's not that I think I'm amazing. Maybe it's just that I want other people to think I'm amazing. Even though I may not be, even though I may not have done much to be considered amazing, I want so badly for people to see something wonderful in me.
Those goblins you once feared, the ones living under your bed or in that closet your parents never open—when you get older, you wish those goblins were still the scariest things in your life. The worst thing you can come to fear is your future, because those goblins can be killed. But you don't want to kill your future. You just want to know what to expect.
I have a bone to pick with The Secret Life of the American Teenager.
Sure, it may be old news, but for some reason I keep on tuning in every week. I think part of me hopes that every week, it will get better, but nope. Nope, actually, just about every week my friends and I end up yelling about it even more, and my rants drift onto twitter and most likely annoy all of my friends and whoever else follows me.
This show is not realistic in the least. I don't even see a lot of familiar stereotypes that have been applied to the characters—except for the whole teens just want to have sex sex sex all the time thing. But here's what I get out of the current storylines (and yes, I know I tend to get repetitive and incoherent in my ranting—you don't have to read it, I just had to get it out, haha):
Amy's pregnancy: Talk about glorifying pregnancy! Tonight's episode starts off with Amy being "sick." I put this in quotations because she's of course not really sick, but just upset over her recent breakup with Ben. No, of course it's not the pregnancy that could cause her to be sick—there's no morning sickness, no hormonal craziness. (Though, okay, her hormones do go a little nuts at the end. For the first time since she got preggers. What?) No, pregnancy isn't difficult in itself—it's just deciding on whether or not to keep the baby, and who's going to act as father.
And don't even get me started about the whole adoption thing. I was very happy to see that Amy was ready to give the kid up for adoption—to a gay couple no less! She's fifteen and doesn't have the time or the maturity to raise a kid. (I mean, her own parents are having serious problems right now. Keeping the kid in that household? Not a good idea.) Oh, but wait, Ricky decides he loves Amy and wants to help raise the kid.
Wait. What? Ricky? Dude who just wanted to get laid with Adrian and Grace? Suddenly his dad comes back and terrorizes everyone and he has a heart? He has no job, he just recently decided that he ~*loves*~ Amy. And you know what? He's a high schooler, too. He doesn't know if he'll be a good dad. And chances are, he's not mature enough for it, either.
What I don't get is that these kids are obviously not mature enough to raise a kid—yet you can tell the show is going to let them keep the baby anyway. Teenagers should not be parents. They still have to grow up, they still have mistakes to learn from. They know the people that they were giving the kid to—so let the couple adopt the baby. Chances are it will have a much more stable home. Because what's all that stable about living in a house with a fifteen year old mother, a thirteen year old rebel, and divorced parents that argue all the time but for some reason are still living under the same roof?
Amy's love saga: Amy and Ben got married with fake IDs. Ben insists that Amy's baby is his kid, not Ricky's, because he's willing to take responsibility. They break up. And now Amy is thinking she should be with Ricky because he's the father and wants to take responsibility now. And she doesn't know who to choose because she wants to choose the person she'll be with for the rest of her life.
Holllllld up. You're fifteen. You're talking about marriage? You're talking about being with one person forever? You're fifteen. What about high school? College? (I vaguely remember her wanting to go to Juilliard.) Just because you love somebody now does not mean you will be with them forever.
I know Amy's pregnant, but why do they have to be so serious all the time? I mean, really. She may be pregnant, but she's still a teenager, meaning she still should be going to the movies or gossiping with friends or stressing out over homework! Not over who she's going to be spending forever with. The parents on that show bicker like teenagers and the teenagers sound like dang forty year olds.
Grace: Ah, the Christian do-gooder who wants to be a virgin but thinks sex is glorious and can't wait to have sex with The One. She got birth control tonight. And now she's like, "I want to keep it as a reminder that I want to wait until marriage to have sex!" Okay, really? Really? This girl just confuses the hell out of me.
Also, boys do not care if a girl is on birth control or not. Why the hell did she get a million phone calls after she announced it to the school? Whatever.
Adrian: At first, I thought Adrian was a pretty realistic character. She's independent, okay with sex, sure of herself. Until we realize that's all she cares about. Tonight, her step-brother (...yeah) comes over with flowers and the offer to take her to dinner and a movie, and she's confused over this. "What? I thought you just wanted to have sex with me! I don't know what to do! Oh my gosh! Sex!" I thought she was smart and independent, but no, she's just the stereotypical female asserting her sexual independence by doing it with pretty much everybody.
My friend Lyndsey pointed also out something today. We've got the teenagers wanting to get married. We've got the teenagers wanting to have sex with everybody. But what about the couple who are in a committed relationship—for more than a week, thanks—and then decide to have sex? Oh yeah, that was the asian couple. They did it and then didn't like it so broke up. Yeah. Thanks for that. Sex will also ruin relationships.
Yeah. See. I have no problem with waiting until marriage, with falling in love in high school. But teenage pregnancy is not okay—and though this show tries to send that message out at the end of every show with their little PSA saying, "talk to your kids about sex," every show is basically saying the same thing: pregnancy is easy, it's the boy problems that suck; sex at fifteen is okay, so long as it's with the one you're going to be with for the rest of your life. But let's be real: you don't know what the rest of your life will be like. So just take it slow, okay? Wear a condom, don't rush into things, don't get freaking married at fifteen. Okay? Please?
I don't know why I watch this show. I can't even be that coherent with my arguments against it. Which means I should just give up and not watch it. Ahhhhhh!
Classes are in full swing, and I'm a little bit overwhelmed, not gonna lie. I am of course freaking out over speaking up in class and participating, as per usual. For some reason my mind just blanks out, even though I take extensive notes on reading and try to prepare myself for class. I just never know what to say, what to ask. I don't think I'm that great a student :( so I may do well on quizzes and papers and the like, but when it comes to actually making an impression during class, it just doesn't work out. And it frustrates me to no end.
But I got a Valentine's Day card in the mail from my Nana today, though, so that was happy-making. :) (And I know she reads these blogs, so hi Nana!)
Awesome news: not only did I get to go to NYC basically three times within one year (thank you RED, colleges, and Thanksgiving), but now I get to hang out once more over my spring break! My roomie is from Long Island, so we (me, her and our friend Lyndsey) will be going out there with her for the break. We're planning on spending a few days hanging out in the city, of course. It's going to rockkkkkk! I wonder if there'll be any RED events that week... hmmm. And of course, I am hell-bent on stalking the cast of Gossip Girl. How do people find out where they're filming?! I can never find any info on this!
I've been writing a lot lately, which is nice, and a good way to clear my mind. I had a crazy dream the other night which I woke up from and couldn't get out of my head, so after classes I went back home and wrote wrote wrote about it. It's weird, the story, but I like it. I think.
Well, we're watching Zoolander right now, so I'm not really paying much more attention to this entry. I just thought I'd let you all know what's up :) Hope everyone is having a fabulous year so far!