Ack ack! I don't seem to be posting as often as I used to! I guess it's because I haven't had that much to say. Winter break spent holed up in my room? Yeah. Not a lot going on in my life right now.
Christmas was a lovely time. I got a good batch of loot, watched some movies with my mom and sister, watched more Buffy and Angel, had dinner with my family (we're nontraditional! we eat Moroccan food!), watched more Buffy and Angel... and then became overwhelmed with this odd feeling. A sobby feeling, of sorts. Perhaps dread, lunacy. It was odd. This random write up from that night sums it up:
Chungyen: what do you want for christmas?
Amy: oh man
Amy: no more school. ever. just freedom to do what i want without that fear of becoming nothing.
Amy: i'm in a weird mood haha
Chungyen: i want that tooo
Chungyen: weird mood?
Amy: endless hours of just watching buffy has given me an odd perspective
Amy: i'm tired of school eating up my life, you know?
Chungyen: me too!
Amy: i don't want to necessarily waste so much time watching buffy, but i want to be able to watch it throughout the school year. i want more time, i guess.
Chungyen: i understand
Chungyen: when we have school
Chungyen: i feel like each day just disappears so fast
Does anybody else feel this need to just walk away? Not give up, no, but simply... walk. Away, around, to, from, whatever. Just walk from, from school and people and responsibility and, and life? But at the same time, walk away and towards life?
I guess I'm just tired. Tired of having my time taken from me. Tired of not having the time to sit and think, or read, or write, or breathe — really sit and think and read and write and breathe. (My english teacher says that the number one thing to remember to do during AP writing prompts is to breathe. Funny how we have to be reminded of that.)
I'm craving the opportunity to run away and pretend that life is freedom for a while. Freedom to simply live. Simply breathe.
Is anybody else as tired as I am?
It was weird. I'm not usually so glum on Christmas. Maybe I just needed some serious sleep or something.
But it doesn't help that this year, I just wasn't feeling the holiday spirit. I was incredibly tired of the lights, the music, the decorations. Sure, gifts are fun, but I don't really need all of the gifts that I received. Perhaps if I was more of a giving person, it would be more enjoyable — ack, I'm not saying that I don't like
to give, but rather... I'm not that good at it. It is incredibly hard for me to buy or make gifts for people because I'm not good at reading them. I'm not a good judge of what someone might or might not like, need, want. So the whole giving-spirit? Lost on me. Totally. Christmas just isn't as happy for me as it used to be. Sad.
But enough sadness! Guess what? I actually allowed myself to leave the house and hang out with friends a few days ago! Yup, Saskia, Chungyen, Vincent, Brian and I all met up at a pizza place downtown and talked way
too much about college, about summer plans (we can't seem to agree on how to go about doing the Quintessential American Road Trip
). We walked over to Sqecial, a quirky store that I really can't describe — it's just amazing, okay? — and then CD Central, where almost all of us bought posters (James Dean, yay!). It was nice, getting out of the house and hanging out with real people (I'm implying that my family is made of robots). Refreshing, getting out and laughing and smiling. Oh fun.
I should be off now. Instead of watching Buffy and Angel first thing this morning, maybe I'll read. Work on revisions for my novel. Read some more. Love Buffy, love Angel... but man. I need to give myself a break. Sheesh. (Where am I now? Fourth discs of the fifth season of Buffy and second season of Angel. My gosh.)