Maybe I'm a little too obsessive.

I guess I'm feeling a little bit disheartened.

You know those people that everybody loves? The ones who, whenever they open their mouths or simply walk into a room — hell, even poke their head around the corner — everybody bursts out into laughter and cheer and happiness galore?

I'm not one of those people. I don't think I've ever been one of those people. Usually, actually, when I open my mouth in front of people, they give me funny looks. Eyes that say, "What is she talking about?" "Is she trying to be funny?" and "What a loser...."

It's kind of sad. I mean, it takes a lot for me to say things in front of a group of people, big or small. Confidence and crap like that? I'm a little big lacking in that stuff. And it doesn't help that I'm genuinely afraid of what my peers think of me — I may be an optimist, but I'm crazy self-conscious. It's stupid, too, because these people I've gone to school with for three and a half to six and a half years. We should be used to each other by now.

I don't necessarily want to be one of those people. The ones that everybody adores. I'm sure they've got a lot of pressure to be perfectly marvelous and all. But, I mean. Like I said, it takes a lot for me to talk to various groups of people. And when they give me nothing, or when they give me awkward looks, it makes it even more difficult the next time around. It's just... I mean, I can be funny, right? I can be a fun person? Maybe not. Do people ever want to chat with me out of the blue?

I love those people, too. Just like everybody else. They bring smiles, laughs, all that cheery goodness. But sometimes I wish I could have that effect on people. I mean, I got sick of being negative and mean. I started laughing when other people made jokes. I started smiling when they spoke. I started complimenting them. I decided that it was just too hard to dislike others all the time. But I guess everybody else doesn't really agree.
Published Jan 10 2008, 08:58 PM by amyh
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jasmines said:

Those cheery people are cool, but the quieter, we're-not-laughing people I find more interesting usually.  So you probably have admirerers, they just don't like smiling.  But I thought you were nice and confident, so whatever.

January 10, 2008 7:03 PM

jordynt said:

I wish I had some advice for you. I really don't though. Maybe I will when my head is clearer, but right now... ugh. I'm not in such a good frame of mind myself.

January 10, 2008 11:45 PM

zulayr said:

If it counts for anything, I think you're cool for being so open minded and And being you is the most important thing.

January 11, 2008 6:39 AM