Maybe I'm a little too obsessive.

I am scared out of my mind.

So I just got back from a pretty interesting English trip. We went to Memphis and Oxford, Mississippi (hgfujdksdhsfajk the latter of which was AMAZING). My english teacher, Mr. Liimatta, is fantastic because he played Harry and the Potters for us. Honestly, he planned this amazing trip down to the littlest details — dedication, right? Oh man. Pictures soon, I promise. (I know I've promised pictures for multiple things lately, but I have so many from this trip, that I really can't keep them away.)

My group of friends and I, though, are kind of, um. Discombobulated. And I get the feeling some people are particularly pissed at me because I don't really voice a lot of my concerns/issues/etc., and I kind of avoided some people, or at least it seemed like I was avoiding some people (when really, I just wanted to sit outside and enjoy Oxford some more).

It's pretty scary, actually, that we still have all of this unresolved issues with each other, yet in little over a month it'll all be over. School, that is. High school. We'll be off doing summer activities and then boom! college. I don't even know yet where I'm going to college (Hampshire? Juniata? Somewhere I got waitlisted, like Kenyon or NYU? Of course, this depends on if I end up getting in anyway, I guess).

fhdsiujfksla. This still freaks me out so much. Saskia's going away to Kalamazoo next year, a bunch of my friends are staying in-state, I'll be going who-knows-where but I know it won't be near here. And I'm scared out of my mind at the idea of making new friends. I like my friends. I don't want new friends. Sometimes, I get this overwhelming urge to stay in Lexington just because of my friends — thought I've promised myself (and Saskia) that no decision should be based on this, at least not one as important as the next four years of my life. But honestly, the idea of not having these people, of not having Saskia and Vincent and Brian and Tati and Lauren and James — why do I want to be without the people who have pulled me through high school? I have no way of knowing if I'll make good friends in college, I have no way of knowing how long it'll take me to do so, and I have no way of knowing (and this is what kills me) if I'll keep in touch with my current friends throughout college. At least with high school, I've known that no matter which way I turn, I'll have somebody to lean on and hug and talk to and hang with. But after this summer, I don't know a thing. And I can't stand the thought of not having a glimpse into my future.

I should be working on mentoring because I need to e-mail my mentor. And I need to work on Lit Mag stuff with a friend of mine. And I need to do french. Oh dear. This week is going to be stressful.



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