zulayr

for my brother:

 I hate to talk about something like this here because I usualy keep these sort of things to myself, but today just feels like a different day.

Exactly one year ago, my friend Jesus passed away from cancer. Everytime i think about that afternoon in class, just sitting at my desk and letting the tears fall, I get the urge to tear up again. I'm not really good at coping with a loss, no matter what it is; this one just hurt extra because he was someone I grew up with.  I think the part that hurts the most is that I was naive enough to believe some of the things he would tell me. i remember chatting with him online one night and he was ranting on about how excited he was that he was in California, recording his demo tape. He always aspired to be a recording artist, so of course I was happy for him. With him, conversation just flowed. I didn't have to think about what we would talk about- it just came to us. He was a part of some of the best years of my life; the weekends at his lake with our crew, the movie nights, sneaking in and out of my friend's house so we could all hang out by his dock late at night and just talk crap, gosh I miss it. Though I try not to think about it, i miss it so much. My carefree years.

The night of the service, his mother was telling me how he was ashamed to tell his friends that he spent weeks at a time in the hospital, so he would tell us that he was on vacation in Cali. He didn't want us to pity him- he didn't want the worry. To this day, I kick myself in the ass for not sticking by him as much as I should've- i just didn't know he was going through so much. Though it makes me sad to have to realize that he's gone, I know he would've made fun of me to no end for being so emotional. It's hard though, you know?

I feel like today's gonna be a long day. I know i'm gonna be thinking about this until i go to bed. But a part of me also feels that he's gonna help me get through today. I just hope he still knows that i love him and i'm sorry.He used to call me his sister- and he will forever be my brother, in my mind and heart.  The day is beautiful because he's lingering in the clouds, smiling down on all of us. :)

<3

Published Nov 21 2007, 09:20 AM by zulayr
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Comments

 

jordynt said:

I don't think you should feel bad for not "sticking by him more". He didn't want his friends to know the sort of stuff he was going through, didn't want you to worry. And I can completely, totally understand that. I've been in the same situation, not wanting people to pity or worry about me. So you shouldn't feel bad about it, not at all. I'm sorry for your loss (so sorry) and, yeah, that's pretty much it.

November 21, 2007 8:37 PM
 

tiffanih said:

I know how you feel about being sad because since matt died i feel horrilbe his mom decided to eamil me and tell me her son went to hell i was like i know for a fact he didnt so you know what i tried to stick up for him but didnt happen  Love ya girl

November 28, 2007 9:12 PM