amylicious!

A few things that I have enjoyed over the past few weeks:

1. Coming Home. We watched this for my Sixties class and I really, really loved it. (And I know what you're thinking: two Jon Voight movies in that class? I know, I know, crazy. But phew, he used to be fiiine.)

2. The Killers' Day & Age. I got this over Thanksgiving break and listened to it about a million times the week after, when I got back to my dorm. Man oh man. This CD is amazing.

3. No Direction Home. And actually, just Bob Dylan in general. I watched No Direction Home this past weekend and read some pieces about Dylan and folk music in the 1960s, taking extensive notes on all of them (honestly, I took like four or five pages worth of notes on the documentary alone). By the end of the weekend, I had a finished paper (a paper I am in love with, by the way—I don't think I've enjoyed writing a paper so much in my life, not even the wizard rock one last May) and a renewed love for Dylan and his music.

4. AWOL. As in All Ways of Loving, as in Juniata's equivalent to a Gay/Straight Alliance. Specifically yesterday, we went to the faculty advisor's farm about a half an hour away (passing some horse and buggies along the way! Oh, amish folk!) and ate delicious food (ham! lasagna! green beans!), shared creative representations of ourselves (I played a Literature's song, and other people read writings or brought belongings that mean a lot to them—stuff like that). On the way back, we also almost hit a deer and died (ummm that might or might no be an exaggeration), but no worries, we didn't, and so we laugh about it now.

5. Siriusly Smiling. A new wizard rock compilation available on iTunes. It's hilarious, you guys. And for some reason, I find myself particularly in love with Gred and Forge's "Brotherly Love," which is about, erm, Weasley incest. Ahhhh?! So hilarious, though. When I first heard it, I kept shaking my head and nearly-shouting, "Oh my god... oh my god!!" Wonderful!

6. Twitter. I am so obsessed with Twitter. It's kind of ridiculous.

Now I count down the days until I go home and see my family and friends :) Excited! Vincent recently reported back to me messages from Lexington GSA and I'm so excited to see the whole gang again. Ahhhh :)

So Jordyn did this meme the other day on her blog and gave me the letter R, for RED. I'm not sure if it's against the rules, but pfft, who cares, it's the internet, I'll break meme rules and maybe even make a few rules of my own—I'm starting off the list with RED.

1. RED. So this is a duh.

2. Reading. This is another duh. By the way, not reading much at the moment. Mostly just school stuff. If anyone wants to recommend a book to me, then do so plzkthx! I will have plenty of free time to relax and read once December 17th rolls around.

3. Rickrolling. Actually, the Barack Roll is my favorite right now. But yeah, who doesn't love a good Rickroll?

4. Red Sox. I was evil and subjected my roommate from Long Island to the Red Sox post-season games. this past October. She didn't like it much. Hahahahahaha.

5. RENT. I first came across RENT in sophomore year when the movie was coming out. Listened to it, saw the movie, went crazy over it. And last April (actually, last day of March), I saw it on Broadway. Dream come true!

6. Reminiscing. Oh, I am the queen of nostalgia parties. Lately, it's been for the Backstreet Boys—wait, did I say lately? I mean the past, like, six months. But yes, I watched the finale of TRL in which they performed, and oh my gosh. I was seriously tearing up. Would you believe it? BSB absolutely got me into TRL and MTV (when I was nine, okay? Should a nine year old really be watching MTV? No, I don't think so—but whatever, I'm not messed up), so the end of TRL has officially been deemed as the end of my childhood. Though I haven't watched TRL since, like, middle school. Oh, and last week I also reminisced about Pepperhill Farm Day Camp, as I came across a Facebook group for it. I went there for, oh, three or four or five summers in a row? Looking through pictures and the members list had me recounting a gazillion memories from that place. Crazy.

7. Richie. As in Lionel Richie. As in his music video for the song "Hello." As in I'm in love with the creep factor of that video. As in I'm down to just putting a bunch of crap on this list as thinking up ten things that begin with the letter R that I love is freaking impossible.

8. Researching. Okay, I don't like all sorts of research. When I had to write that paper about Bull Connor, I was honestly bored out of my skull because everything said the exact same thing yet I had to have different resources and c'mon, couldn't I just say hey, he was a big jerk, the end? Of course not. But the research for my paper about youth in Iran fascinated me—probably because, well, I know a lot less about Iran and Iranian youth than I do about the Civil Rights movement of the 60s. Just like I'm really pumped up about this paper about Bob Dylan and the Newport Folk Festival. I really don't actually know a whole lot about Bob Dylan, about the folk music scene of the 60s. So it should be a neat paper to write.

9. Relaxing. I probably relax more often than is healthy.

10. Really, whatever's on my mind right now. HAHA COP-OUT. But right now, I'm thinking about the reading I am about to do for my Sixties class tomorrow, Midnight Cowboy and whether or not I can draw out anymore inspiration from it for NaNo, my BFF Vincent with whom I am chatting on AIM, and the prospect of sleep tonight. And yes, I love all of that. Even the reading for class.

Tonight, my Sixties class got together to watch Midnight Cowboy. Can I just say that I absolutely loved it? When I got back to my room, I started listening to Harry Nilsson's "Everybody's Talkin'" on repeat and thinking about the movie and then when I settled down to write today's quote for NaNoWriMo, the movie was dominating my mind. So what did I do? I basically wrote 2,000 words off of inspiration from that movie. I just incorporated it into my character's lives and voila! Who knew that movie inspiration could be so freaking helpful?!

Want movie and soundtrack, kthx.

Moving on: who else is superexcited for Thanksgiving break next week? I know I sure am! Last week was killer, as I had three papers due and a test: the CWS paper that I wrote about youth in Iran, a short essay about selected readings in The Decameron, and my Sixties class paper about Bull Connor. Then an Astronomy test (which I got a 93% on! Score!). Tomorrow, I have a short essay due on a piece of reading for euro. After that, I should be home free until after Thanksgiving break—well, except for the fact that I have two other papers I need to research for. One in CWS about a topic of our choice (I'm thinking deaf culture, as we were told to choose something that relates to us—thing is, what kind of argument can I create out of the topic of deaf culture?), and on for Sixties about Bob Dylan breaking out the electric guitar at the Newport Folk Festival. Oh, and then there's NaNoWriMo, of course. Though I managed to write 5k yesterday and bump my word count to 35,000. So now I'm at 37,000 and hoping that I can finish before next Tuesday. Because let's be honest: once I leave for New York City (New York City!) for Thanksgiving break, I will most likely not be working on NaNo at all. So hopefully, I can finish that soon, too.

Whoo! Crazy!

I'm pumped for Thanksgiving in NYC. Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade! Yay! (Although, who else is bummed that Miley Cyrus is singing in the parade but not the Jonas Brothers? Excuse me. Not cool. I'd much rather have JoBros than Miley. Because guilty pleasure, yes indeedy!) I am also making my family go to MoMA and the Life Cafe. And probably a bunch of other places, too. But I swear I'm letting them decide on things, too? My sister and I are using GoogleDocs to create an itinerary for the trip, though we want to do entirely too many things and so we still have to cut stuff out. Whatever. We'll figure something out.

Okay. Time to stop writing this. I have a short paper to write. Night, all. :)

Well, here we are, Millennials. Here we are with our new President-Elect, Barack Obama. Here we are, chanting "Yes we can!" I'll be honest. I cried tonight. I shook with joy and amazement. I cheered and ran a victory lap through the hallway in my dorm. I wore my Obama shirt today. And I feel important. I feel as if I've made a difference. I feel as if this election is the most important election I'll face in my lifetime — now, whether or not this is true, I don't know, as I have many more elections to face in the future — and knowing that it is my first year of voting makes it even more special, sweet, astounding. I love my life and I love my country and I say this with pride, the strongest surge of pride I've felt in years.

And I'll say this, too: I have a huge amount of respect for John McCain. He's worked hard for this country over the years, a country that he truly loves. How can you not respect somebody who wants to better your life in the best way they think possible? So yes, I respect John McCain. I may not agree with his ideals, his platform, but I respect him and his right to believe what he believes. I hope his post-election life is a rewarding and comfortable one, because he deserves it, he truly does.

Whether or not you agree with me on the issues, on who the next president will be, I hope everyone agrees that it's time to unite, to become one country working for common goals of improving the economy and global relations, to promote peace, freedom, education, love. It's time to learn how to compromise and respect. It's time to break down the walls that seperate the people of this country and prove that we can be united, prove that we can embrace our differences and use them to understand and love one another. It's time to press on, time to work towards the future, time to fight hate and promote love.

This is why I voted for Barack Obama. This is why I cried tonight. This is why I believe in my country.

And this is why it's time for bed. Because I have to get up in the morning and prove that I deserve the education that I'm receiving, that I deserve the life I'm living, that I deserve the right to cast my ballot and vote for the next president. Good night, everyone. I'm counting down to January 20th, 2009.

SO I MEANT TO BLOG EARLIER. Like, at least yesterday. But then I got caught up in the start of NaNoWriMo, which started yesterday and which I decided to participate in at 11am yesterday morning. So I've basically just been writing and not really doing much homework. (Up to 6,140 words as of this writing! Yay!)

I also just got off the phone with Saskia, who I rarely ever talk to but who I miss oh so dearly and we are so ready to get home for winter break and take the food scene in Lexington by storm. We reminisce about curry chicken salad sandwiches from Third Street Stuff and eclairs from Giacomo's. Oh how we miss you so!

I should be reading Astronomy units (2.5 to go! because I've fallen behind in my reading, oops) and researching for my CWS rough draft due Tuesday (punk rock + middle east = some sort of paper) and majorly editing the paper I wrote for my Sixties class (the paper that sucked so much, oh man, it's BAD). But I am blogging because I promised myself I would. Yes!

The election is on Tuesday and yes I sent in my absentee ballot at the beginning of the month. Voted for Obama for president, Lunsford for state senate (Ditch Mitch!), and a slew of other peoples for various other positions. I have to say that voting feels amazing, whether it be through absentee ballot or actually walking into the voting booth. By refusing to vote, you're not only silencing yourself, but you're also denying yourself a truly wonderful feeling. And what easier way to make a difference and be heard than to vote?But hey, I can't really force you into voting, though I'll tell you this: if you choose not to vote and then complain about any elected official over the next few years, I will probably hunt you down and smack you. By refusing your say in the election process, you refuse your right to complain.

Halloween was this past Friday and I didn't really dress up (sort of like an axe murderer for a while anyway? since I have a plastic axe), but Brittany and Lyndsey and I went to Standing Stone at 9:30 to eat and drink deliciousness, talk to the lovely workers, and watch part of a John Mayer concert DVD. (John Mayer? Love!)

I caught up on the past two weeks of Gossip Girl this morning. Blair + Chuck = major love!!! And I adore Nate/Chace Crawford. WHAT A HOTTIE.

sufkdsl. Is there a point to blogging if all I do is write a useless post? Bleh. Whatever. Just wanting to let you all know that I'm still here and am still very happy with college life and am trekking along with the craziness that is my life (mostly just crazy because I've decided to do NaNoWriMo. I mean, seriously, why? I have so many essays to write!).

I love this tiny little town in the middle of Pennsyltucky. I love the fact that I can walk to wherever I need to go — down to Weis for groceries, down to Standing Stone for coffee and studying, down to the hair salon for a haircut (though, to be honest, I haven't done this yet — but I plan to eventually, and it's the thought that counts, right?). For a girl like me who has yet to get her driver's license, who really doesn't want to bother with driving at all, living in this little town is actually kind of heavenly. I was afraid that I'd be bored out of my mind here in Huntingdon, Pennsylvania — and, okay, there have been some serious boredom moments, don't get me wrong — but most of these moments have been when I'm lounging in my room, not doing homework, just reading and chilling and listening to music and going crazy with laziness. But there's no way I'm bored when I decide to get up, get out, walk around, see the gorgeous trees and the mountains and squirrels scampering and the rows and rows of houses and the people sitting on their porches in the middle of the day. Every time I venture outside, I'm taken aback by how beautiful and homey it is here. Just now, walking to Weis so I could pick up dinner (it being fall break, most of the students are gone, so food services are closed here on campus), I passed a couple out for a walk and said hello, and a few minutes later ran into them again. And I love it, love the fact that I can walk around and smile at people and feel life's beauty and brilliance envelop me in its sudden autumnal chill.

---

I've been thinking a lot lately about how much I've changed since I first wrote "Sleeves," my essay in RED. Back then, aged fourteen or fifteen, I was this scared girl who wanted to stand back and not exist, who took everything I heard to heart, who believed that every time people laughed they were laughing at me. I wrote "Sleeves" because I felt like my weight held all the blame — that when people looked at me, all they saw was this silly overweight girl; that nobody would actually care about what I had to say. All the remarks that passed through my ears, all the clothes that never seemed to fit right. It infiltrated my academic and social lives — clinging to friends and too afraid to even say hello to classmates that I decided probably laughed at me in private, refusing to speak up in class and failing projects simply because I didn't want to read a speech or offer my opinion because I couldn't handle any sort of attention. It built higher and higher until all around me towered the anxiety and pain and self-consciousness that I felt I would never escape. I wrote "Sleeves" because there was no other way to let it be known how I felt: there was no one to talk to, just me and the keyboard and my bursting, burning mind.

Now, three years and thirty pounds later from when I first e-mailed Amy G. my essay, I look back and want to rattle myself, shake me up a little and say, "Hey! Stop it already!" Because I used to think that my body image was what made me. And now I know that that's not the truth. Sure, that's what makes me if I let it. But I don't want to let it. I don't want to be silenced by my negative self-image. I don't want to forever hide behind what I assume of others, when the only person who truly matters the most in my life is me. I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see — and believe it or not, nowadays I do. Yeah, I get off days, but I just pull myself up, smile, and walk on. That's what I've learned matters most, something so simple yet so hard to grasp: smiling. I didn't always put so much stock into the power of a smile, but now I live by it. And you know what? It's harder to be unhappy when you're smiling. So I wake up in the morning, I get dressed, I brush my hair, and I look in the mirror and I smile and I do a dorky pose and I think, "Yeah. You're fabulous."

Everybody has the right to think that they are beautiful, that they are magnificent. Sure, some people will try to bring you down, but it's being able to stand back up and remember to smile that will keep you going. No, I'm not going to tell anybody not to care about what others think and say — that's advice that I hear but can't follow, because I can't help but care myself, and I know I will always care, so I don't try to change this mindset — but it's possible to learn new ways to handle and even interpret others' opinions and remarks. It's like when I'm afraid of presenting to my peers, afraid of speaking up in class. Even after all of my worry and fear, chances are, nobody's going to be bothered enough to care about or remember your flubs. Life isn't a presidential campaign, nobody's going to go fact-checking every statement you make. What you have to remember is that for people to remember you at all, and for people to remember you positively, you must aim to stand out in as best a way you can, and even if a few people choose to point out the negatives, most others will remember your spirit, your courageousness, your drive, your fire, your passion, your intelligence, your wit — they'll remember what matters most. Yes, I still get scared, freak out, drown myself in anxiety. But I breathe. I smile. Yes, I stumble and stammer incoherently most of the time. But I breathe. I smile. I hold my head high and remember that it all takes practice. Public speaking, making friends, loving yourself. It all takes practice.

So here's my statement of growth and self-appreciation: I am beautiful. I love the person that I am. I love how I think, what I have to say, and all that I have to offer to this world. I am amazing. I wouldn't trade my life for any other.

And don't you ever doubt it.

Hahahahaha I lied. It's technically Sunday. BUT AT LEAST IT'S NOT NEXT WEEK. Right? Right!

But now I have more to blog about! Right? Right!

So let's see.

Mr. Juniata. Ohhhh Mr. Juniata. Beauty pageant but for guys, to put it simply. My CWS lab leader, Blake, and another classmate from my CWS, Kyle, were both participants, so a few of my classmates and I sat together to form a cheering section. Blake won Mr. Juniata — we were very proud, to say the least! He was really into the opening group dance (like, crazy into it, haha — so amusing, so wonderful), and his talent was breaking out the piano and performing Billy Joel's "Uptown Girl." Absolutely amazing. He definitely deserved the win! I'd go into more details, but my mind is kind of drained right now. Sorry folks! Ha!

Today, I pretty much hung out with my roommate Brittany, and our friends Mollee and Lyndsey. I wrote out some notes for an essay I have to write (plan on holing up in the library for a while tomorrow!) in an effort to be productive, but mostly we just sent a lot of flair to each other (Pieces of Flair on Facebook? Oh my goodness, I'm addicted!) and joked around a lot. We watched Pride & Prejudice, got food, laughed maniacally (and Lyndsey always seems to make me crack up when I'm eating — I swear, that girl is going to kill me someday). Lyndsey also began educating Brittany and I on the Pittsburgh Penguins. We're kind of impressionable, and she's absolutely obsessed. But it should be fun, having bonding time over sports, haha.

Tomorrow I have the history picnic to attend — I'm hoping it's fun! These are people I'd like to get along with for the next four years. After all, I'll be having a ton of classes with them!

This past week has actually been really lovely. On Monday night, I was freaking out about my Sixties class on Tuesday, because that class has managed to freak me out a lot lately. A lot of it is dependent on participation, and of course I freeze up and freak out and have such issues speaking up, so I've been a little bit anxiety-ridden. But after my classes on Tuesday, I met with my advisor (again: coolest guy on the planet) and he gave me some advice on speaking up, participating, etc. After that, I felt pretty good, because not only did I actually speak up to someone about anxieties, but I took the advice that he gave me to heart, really thinking about it and making myself work towards certain goals and such — and, okay, also because my advisor is just too cool to not cheer me up.

Wednesday, I was worried about violin and orchestra — but they both went surprisingly well, too. Oh, and I got my first Astronomy exam back that day — A-, yes! And on Thursday, I spoke up in class, which was invigorating. I was really pleased with myself afterwards. Then, in CWS lab that night, we got our last journal entries back and I had gotten a check-plus-plus on mine. It made me happy :)

All in all? I'm really digging it here. Sure, I'm now worried about this next week — I have to write an essay about public opinion in 1964 and then present it to the class on Tuesday, ack ack ack! — but I'm also finding that situations never turn out as horrible as I fear them to be. It's that fear I have to work through, not the situations themselves. (Here I am, echoing the journal entry that got me that extra plus. Zing!) And it's pretty much just this essay and presentation that are freaking me out (and, oh crap, just remembered another essay rough draft I have due on Thursday! Drat!). I plan on getting the first draft of this 1964 essay written tomorrow, though, so that I can drop into my professor's office on Monday and chat with him about it. Hopefully it'll go smoothly.

Also: fall break next week! October 4th through 7th! I'm not sure exactly what I'll be doing over break, as I'll be stuck up here while many of my friends go back home. But Brittany will be stuck with me, so we'll be stuck together. Thank goodness we get along so well! :)

I am off, now, to venture into dreamland. I'm not even going to try to promise any future blogging dates. Just, you know. Trust that I'll get back around here eventually. Yeah? Yeah.

Well gee whiz, I'm blogging all over the place today! I posted an entry to LiveJournal and to my friend Vincent's website and now I've decided that if I'm going to post over at those places, I may as well post here, too.

I know, I know. I said I'd post weekly on here. And then I didn't post last week. I kind of fail at this motivation thing sometimes. But I blamed it on the fact that I swear, nothing exciting really has been happening. And then when exciting stuff does happen, I post it to LiveJournal, and I feel like I shouldn't cross-post it here because that's just cop-out blogging.

Well, yesterday was mountain day.



It's a day on which classes are cancelled — we find out that morning at 5am — and we're all shuttled off to a previously undisclosed location — in yesterday's case, Raystown Lake — for lovely festivities. Who doesn't love random days off?

Other than that, though, not a lot of exciting stuff has happened, I'm afraid. I mean, sure, I love it here, but I don't really deem everything blog-worthy.

Um. I had my first Astronomy exam last Friday. When I find out how I did on that, I'll let you know. HAHA LAME.

Actually. Wait. I promise I'll blog on Saturday. Promise. After all, I'm gonna want to talk about Mr. Juniata. And trust me, you're gonna want to read about it. ;)

So before I left for college, I made this promise to myself that I would blog weekly on here. I'd pick a day — like Friday! Or Monday! Or Wednesday! Any day! — and blog on that day every week about, you know, whatever. My academic life. My social life (wait, what's that?). My life in general. I mean, I guess that's what I usually blog about, anyway. (While typing that sentence, you know what came to mind? "LULZ SPRING AWAKENING." I know, I know: "For the love of God, Amy, shut! up! Stay away from that musical! NO MORE!")

I probably should have mentioned that promise on here. Because then I'd be guilted into blogging every week.

I mean, I could be a total lame-o and repost the few other entries I've put up on LiveJournal. But then, you know, I'd be a lame-o. Or, well, more of a lame-o.

So here! I'm saying it! I want to post once a week! Once a week! Though I don't know what day yet. Or if it will be the same day every week. I could say Friday, but let's be honest: I want to try and have more of a life on Fridays.

Yeah.

College.

It's going well. I'm not crying anymore — at least, not because of homesickness. I was close to tears yesterday, but that was because of the heaviness of what we had been talking about in class (we're reading A Long Way Gone in my College Writing Seminar, and every single time I walk out of that class I want to burst into tears) combined with the heaviness of it being September 11th. I definitely went back to my room, sat on my bed, and just breathed for a good while. And sometimes, that's all we can do: just breathe.

Classes aren't that bad. Except I constantly wonder why I signed up for Astronomy because it's kinda kicking my butt here and our first exam is next Friday, HOLY CRAP ARE YOU SERIOUS? I really love my European History course, though. I recently had to write an analysis of a document that we read — snippets from Procopius' Secret History. He's pretty much bashing Justinian and it's the most hilarious thing ever. My favorite line? "For he was at once villainous and amenable; as people say colloquially, a moron." I know! Procopius, you so funny. Love ya.

My sixties course is going okay, though it's not as exciting as I hoped it would be. Maybe it's because, well, it's stuff I've studied more recently. What's exciting about Euro is that so much of the information actually is new to me. I'm actually learning! I know, right! Crazy stuff! And CWS is great except for the whole wanting to cry after every class. Maybe once we start talking about Three Cups Of Tea, it won't be so intense. Though I'm doubting that. Seriously, seriously doubting it.

"Okay. Classes. Good. That's good. But what have you been doing besides that, Amy? Because really, you need to try and have a social life. Your last entry was kind of depressing."

Let's see. I've gone to Wal-Mart with some people a few times. (And yes, you know it's pathetic when you're excited to get off campus to go to Wal-Mart. But hey, at least one of the trips we also went to Dairy Queen! It was exciting! Even though the ice cream then kind of gave me a tummyache. Guys, I think I might be slightly lactose-intolerant. Sad.) I went to Obamafest for a while, where I got free pizza (!!!) and listened to some great music and heard some inspiring speeches. (Unfortunately, I had to leave early for my CWS lab meeting — but that was actually fun, too. I love my CWS group. We're hilarious. Just take my word for it.) I went to a foam dance party (which was a BLAST — and you know it has to be when I'm saying that because me? Party? Dance? What? I KNOW!). Lobsterfest happened, and I ate delicious steak (delicious delicious steak, oh my goodness) after signing up for a few clubs (although two out of five? I already can't go to! Darn! But the other three I will make time for, I will!). A hypnotist came to campus and that was hilarious. Tonight, we had a comedian here and he was hilarious, too. (Seriously, the Juniata Activities Board knows how to plan a good Friday night.) I ate dinner at Standing Stone (coffee shop not far from campus — so divine — real food!) with a few people last weekend. I've done a few movie nights/afternoons with my roomie and various others. I went to a football game (voluntarily! VOLUNTARILY!).

I've actually had a good time here at college so far. Me! Me! The girl who just wanted to bawl her eyes out everywhere she went because she missed home and missed Kentucky and missed her friends and missed everything! Well. You know what? I still miss home. But I'm happy up here, too.

Oh. Also. On Tuesday, we didn't have CWS, so what did I do? I watched As The World Turns. I know, I know. "What! Amy! You were doing so well! Three weeks!" YEAH WELL. I MISS THE DRAMA, OKAY. What sucks is that every time I go on CBS.com to watch the episodes I've missed this week, the videos don't work! They randomly stop, or will just play all of the advertisements and skip the actual episode! It is depressing. I need more Chris+Alison drama. Need. (What's even more pathetic is that I then proceeded to write about all of the ATWT drama on my LiveJournal. For many paragraphs. MOST PATHETIC EVER.)

Overall? I'm happy. I'm content. I'm feeling pretty darn good about this whole college thing. So long as I keep doing my homework (and hey! I've been doing my homework! Oh my god!), it should all work out. Yay. :)

I write to you now from the beautiful Huntingdon, Pennsylvania. I'm about nine to ten hours from home, where I grew up, where I've lived my whole ilfe, where most of my friends remain. Is it hard? Oh yeah, it's hard. And I've only been here two days! After my parents left on Friday, I spent time setting up my room, meeting with my CWS group (a hilarious bunch — I'm looking forward to that class this year), went to dinner with my roommate and her already-large group of friends (how does she do it? I wonder), and skipped out on some other festivities that evening (a book discussion on the summer reading, a party over at Tussey and Terrace) so that I could finish unpacking and setting up my space, then curl up in bed and cry, talk to a few friends online, cry some more. It was tough. People tell you that you'll be homesick, that you won't be the only one — I wonder if anyone else is as homesick as I am?

Luckily yesterday, my crying was minimal. I got up, got pancakes with my roomie, took this lame freshman survey, and then lounged in my room until lunch time. I mostly just wanted to be alone, cried a little, but then decided that if I'm going to mope and wallow, I might as well be productive — so I got out my novel and proceeded to continue with revisions. My roomie and her friends came back around noon and I left to go eat lunch with them. Our CWS groups met up again, this time about this tree project we're doing — our entire class (as in class of 2012) is planting a tree, whoo. We walked out to the tree orchard they've got going, roamed around while we wondered what it was we were supposed to be doing, then walked out to the Peace Chapel — which is nice, yes, but it was incredibly hot and thus we all became very grimy, sweaty, icky. After that, I went back to my room to change and chill and read before "dinner with the student government" (which I assume meant that they just paid for it — because nobody from student government made themselves known at dinner, haha). I went by myself and made myself be friendly and ask someone else if I could sit with them — and the two people I chose ended up being so supernice and wonderful and they schooled me on Western Pennsylvanian slang and wondered why I don't have a Kentucky accent and I hung out with them and a big group of people that they know the rest of the night. I felt special, knowing that if I put my mind to it I can actually make friends.

Of course, what am I doing now? Sitting up in my room on Sunday morning writing this (though I did take a quick break to go with my roomie to the Help Desk and then to "brunch" which consisted of pasta and pizza — delicious, right?). My roomie and I are taking a shuttle to Wal-Mart later this afternoon so that we can buy a bookshelf and one or two more power strips. Honestly, we have a wonderfully large room, lots of closet space — but shelf-space is incredibly minimal! We each have a shelf in our closet and that's it! So a bookshelf will be wonderful for, you know, books, as well as our TV and DVD which we have yet to set up (though last night we found the cable hook-up! Yay!). But until then, I kind of just want to chill in my (finally cooled-down) room and work on my novel revisions a little more and perhaps read a bit, too. People have told me that it's important to get out, make friends, socialize — but I think my peace of mind requires this alone-time. And peace of mind is something I plan on keeping this year, especially now when I need it most.

Classes start tomorrow. I'm excited.

It makes me believe in hope, love, magic, beauty, dreams.

Yesterday (though it still feels like a today to me) I went to Bloomington, Indiana, with Michelle. We went for the Unlimited Enthusiasm Expo, with Math the Band, Uncle Monsterface, and Harry and the Potters (and an extra band, called Good Luck). I just finished writing my post-show e-mail to Harry and the Potters — what can I say? It's tradition.

Usually, I write thanking them for the amazing show, say something... I don't know. I think it's just basically an extended thank you for omg so much wonderfulness and omg I loved it so much and omg omg omg! (I get weird, okay? But that's nothing new. And I don't think I usually put in that many, if any, "omg"s, but I probably sound pretty silly nonetheless.) This time, though, I got sort of personal. It's probably weirder, and creepier (I am sort of a creep though — this is my sixth wizard rock show, sixth since seeing them for the first time in August 2005 — seriously, can you say obsessive obsessive obsessive? I freak myself out a lot when I think about this too much), and all sorts of unnecessary. But tonight's show was different than past shows. Tonight's show was something I can really, truly, actually call an experience.

Here's the e-mail that I sent to them:

Hey guys,

Yeah, I guess I'm keeping the tradition of e-mailing you all post-show and thanking you for the amazing time, even if you didn't come to Kentucky this year — the excursion to Bloomington was way worth it. :)

This show was the most uplifting experience of my entire summer, I think. Michelle and I played a show (as The Wands, yay!) with a few other bands on July 21st, and it was beautiful, fantastic, amazing, etc. But something about attending this Unlimited Enthusiasm Expo, my sixth (ghfuijsk I feel so obsessive and creepy, haha) Harry and the Potters Show, and just absolutely losing it and dancing and rocking and singing and shouting — it all opened my eyes and my heart so much to the fact that this, this is how I want to feel every day, and that it's not too hard to get to that feeling.

I had told Paul that I wrote my college essay last year about wizard rock and Harry and the Potters — actually, after the show in Louisville last July, I went home, stayed up for a few hours just writing and writing, putting together what would end up that essay. The final product was all about how wizard rock started off as fangirlish obsession but it's turned into so much more. It's become a way to connect with people, to really express myself with the help of and through music, to discover confidence and push away insecurities. Tonight helped me see that all of this, all of what I find in wizard rock music and shows, is strengthening. I can truly say that I had a blast and that it was the most fun I've had in so long. So many smiles and laughs and crazy dances. Really, I don't think I've ever danced like that before at a show or with friends or anything. It felt so good to forget about any worries or frustrations that might have been on my mind, and to simply have fun. This is what wizard rock does for me, and I'm just glad that I've had the opportunity to experience and be a part of all of it.

I think I found my unlimited enthusiasm, and yeah, I plan to hold onto it.

Thanks again for the wonderful show :)
-Amy


Sitting in the car tonight, making our way back home from Bloomington, Michelle was sleeping and I couldn't stop thinking about what I had written in my college essay last year, how true it was, how truer (more true? truer? I like truer.) it is now. But I'm rereading it and thinking that as amazing as it was to experience such happiness and to write such an essay a year ago, the obsession part is now less, and the confidence/self-esteem/life-altering part has grown tremendously.

I can confirm that wizard rock is not just a fangirlish obsession. It's something that helps me find confidence in through that which that I've grown to love and adore and cherish. It's something that lifts my self-esteem, something that allows me to give all of myself to happiness and rhythm and smiles and nerdiness.

Tonight's show in Bloomington was the most magical show yet (sixth one for me, like I said before, my goodness — yes, you can still say obsession, because it's still too, too accurate). When Harry and the Potters finally came on, I was shouting, dancing, laughing, everything. And when I say dancing, I don't just mean the silly self-conscious moving-back-and-forth-a-little-bit thing that I usually do (and that I mostly did for the bands beforehand — Uncle Monsterface saw a little extra, I think, but the others — the ones unfamiliar to me — were a bit jipped, I'm sorry to say). No, I mean dancing, actually shaking and moving and jumping and losing myself in the fun and the music and the sheer joy emanating from the crowd and the band.

These past few weeks, I had been wondering if it was worth all of the effort in trying to set up the plans to make it to first Cleveland and then to Bloomington, trying to figure out times and whos and whens and whats. But it was, is, all worth it. One bit from my essay still applies all too much to my current self: that at a wizard rock show, you'll see a side of me that doesn't seem to exist anywhere else. At a wizard rock show, insecurities fall away, self-esteem lifts, happiness overcomes nervousness. At a wizard rock show, I find what it is I constantly search for: the beauty of life. Nothing in life is more beautiful than finding something to love, something to hold onto — and, most of all, finding out what makes you you, what makes you run, what makes you tick, what makes you continue on day-to-day smiling and laughing and breathing.

Over the past four years, the past three years, two, one, I've gone through the ups and downs that every teenager experiences. I can see the awkwardness of freshman year, of trying to find out where I belonged, who I really clicked with, what kind of person I was; the drop in sophomore year of becoming so intensely dependent on friends that the slightest change could set me off into sob-fests and anger-sprees, into freak-outs that nobody, not even I, understood; to junior year, in which I fell apart, found help, and began to find out that my friends weren't who I was, that my classmates (yeah, even the people I'd gone to school with since sixth grade) weren't scary; and finally senior year, the year in which I think I grew the most, because it was the year I realized that presentations in class aren't scary, that I can meet and talk to people and not be scared, that I can perform songs in front of an audience and smile all the way through, that I can simply survive reading a piece of some of the post personal things I've ever written.

That sophomore year was the year Michelle and I first started writing songs as The Wands, and then later as The Ancient Inanimate Objects (the first version of The Literatures, in which we wrote songs about Shakespeare's Julius Caesar). It was a tough year, but that was the year that I saw Harry and the Potters three times — the week before school started, once in March, and then the next time a month later. I was discovering that, no matter what was going on at the time with me, I was shaking and dancing a little bit more at each show, and that it always put a tremendous smile on my face for longer and longer periods of time. In fact, it was the night of that April show that Michelle and I, back at my house, wrote and recorded all of those Julius Caesar songs. (Our Eulogy for Caesar is still our favorite.)

Junior year, we had to write a speech for english and then read it to the class. I... we won't go into what happened. But let's just say that confidence levels and self-esteem didn't exactly make it out to be an easy task. But when Michelle and I sang to our classmates a few of the songs we'd written about our summer reading books, my teacher came up to me in the hallway and told me that he loved the songs and he was just so amazed at the fact that in class, I'm so shy and scared, but when it came to the singing and music, I suddenly opened up and seemed to become a whole 'nother person. I wasn't so sure I understood that back then, but now, I can see what he meant. Senior year, I became able to do group presentations for english, as well as read aloud pieces I wrote. This whole crazy wizard and book rock thing that Michelle and I took part it became a way to prove to myself that I can be good at this, I can be good at writing and sharing this writing with others, I can be good at making music and having fun with music, I can be good at so much if I just put my mind to it. If I can keep a positive outlook, if I can tell myself, "You can do it!" instead of beating myself down — then sheesh. I can do just about anything.

Tonight's show? Just another step — a huge step, though — that shows me how far I've come. Because even a year ago, at the show that inspired the college essay that introduced Mr. Liimatta to wizard rock and caused me to burn him lots of CDs only to lead me to writing about "Save Ginny Weasley" for the music research paper — even at that show, I didn't dance as much, I didn't shout so much, I didn't exert as much energy. Tonight was proof that this positive outlook and this music adoration and this, this life is what I'm living for.

Yeah. I'm living for life. I'm living to experience life and all that comes with it. Do I really need any other reason?

I should feel terrible for my lack of blogging on here this summer.

But then I think about everything I could have written about. And. Um. There's not a whole lot.

Let's see. I last blogged on June 25th. Sheesh! So long!

What's happened since then?

Not a whole darn lot.

I've gone to the drive-in twice more — the first time, at the beginning of June, was for Indiana Jones and Iron Man — and these other two times were for WALL•E, and then The Dark Knight and Get Smart. I enjoyed them all.

I've become addicted to a soap opera, of all things. I now watch As The World Turns every day (unless, of course, I'm lucky enough to have a life and be out of the house!). I totally hate Holden, and absolutely love Luke and Noah. Janet annoyed me at first but now I think she is just fabulous. Casey is a major hottie and I don't see why people are disgusted by him and Emily being together. But then again, I only started watching late last month. ...but anyway. Every time I tell somebody I'm into a soap opera, they ask me what's going on in it. I explain and we laugh. So epic.

I've had a few freakouts, I guess. Nostalgia-attacks, summer blues, stuff like that. But I get over them fairly quickly.

I've read books. Since the summer started I've read Bigfoot: I Not Dead, The Master and Margarita, all three Twilight books, Dress Your Family In Corduroy and Denim, Love in the Time of Cholera, Complications, Maps and Legends, and Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist. I am currently working on Watchmen. Reading is such a nice escape from the confines of the internet and television. Seriously, I just went this past week without having any books to read. Going to the library to check out a few was like a much-needed vacation. I started Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist last night and just devoured it — a pretty quick read, and so I wouldn't go to bed until I was finished.

I got my wisdom teeth out last Thursday. Not a bad experience, actually. I was knocked out for the whole surgery, and by the end of the day I was only a little sore and incredibly drooly. The next day, I ate (well, nibbled at) a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch. Today, I went in for my post-op follow-up and they said that I am healing up wonderfully. Joy!

I took the bus for the first time by myself to get downtown. It was an adventure.

My wizard rock band The Wands played our second wizard rock show this past Monday with The Remus Lupins, The Whomping Willows, Justin Finch-Fletchley and the Sugar Quills, The Mudbloods, and Wild Magic. We also watched The Wizard Rockumentary. Wizard rock is such a beautiful thing! It never fails to cheer me up, I promise you. I am pumped for Harry and the Potters next month, even if they aren't coming to Kentucky.

This summer has been pretty chill and boring. A part of me is so ready to run off to college and be swept away in schoolwork and meeting new people. A part of me isn't ready for that. But since it's inevitable, I try my best to ignore that second part of me.

Maybe when school starts I'll blog more. Goodness knows I'll finally have stuff to talk about!

This is seriously, like, the weirdest summer ever.

On Monday, I was listening to Spring Awakening and by the middle of the soundtrack I was honestly crying. Then I got really crazy and went to watch Spring Awakening videos on YouTube and I watched clips from Lea Michele and Jonathan Groff's final performance and was just absolutely in fits. Geez Louise!

Yesterday, in Dairy Queen, the radio overhead played Backstreet Boys' "As Long As You Love Me," and I was in a freaky BSB-mindset all the rest of the night. Then this morning, checking my LiveJournal friends page, there was a link to a photo gallery of the Backstreet Boys Then and Now or something of that nature. And now, after putting my iPod on shuffle, BSB randomly came on and so of course I have to listen to tons of them right now — and oh my god. I am seriously so close to bawling my eyes out. I keep tearing up and smiling and freaking out! I just keep thinking of elementary school and being totally in love with the Backstreet Boys and seeing them in concert twice and being in the seventh row during my first show and it was the most amazing experience ever for a fourth grader ever and oh my gosh you guys Brian is from my hometown like omg!!

...

THIS IS SO WEIRD YOU GUYS.

I am getting so nostalgic and sentimental this summer. It's nutty.

I went to orientation for Juniata last Friday and Saturday and actually talked and had so much fun and made friends and enjoyed every minute of it, even the boring Information Access crap that we all have to put up with! Who would have thought that I could be social with people I don't even know? I talked with my orientation roomie a lot, which was wonderful, and there was a group that I hung out with for most of the day on Friday — we had dinner together and roamed around for a while and chilled. So nice.

Anyway, so one of the surveys we had to fill out for our advisors had a question that was something like "Three random facts about you!" and I actually put, "I still adore the Backstreet Boys." And then when our little groups did some bonding activities (because all of the orientation crowd split into nine smaller groups), we did Two Truths and a Lie or whatever it's called, and I of course had to proclaim my love for BSB. Why am I so strange? Seriously. Lately, it's allll about the boy bands and the 90s and my elementary school days. Whenever Vincent and I get together and go out for a drive or something, I swear we almost always end up listening to some BSB, *NSYNC (but only their first CD), Hanson. I've been meaning to get some 98°, too.

But. Now that you all know I'm so crazy. Let's move on.

I got my schedule for next year, which is exciting. It is currently as follows:

• PC-120 - Astronomy — 12:00 PM to 12:55 PM (MWF)
• HS-104 - European History to 1550 — 2:00 PM to 2:55 PM (MWF)
• HS-109 - ST: The Sixties — 10:30 AM to 11:50 AM (TTh)
• EN - 110 - College Writing Seminar — 1:00 PM to 2:20 PM (TTh)
• IT - 100 - Information Access — 3:00 PM to 3:50 PM (T)

Of course, this is subject to change because of something very exciting that happened.

I was just minding my own business yesterday, playing Solitaire, when I notice that I have another piece of e-mail in my inbox. I click over, see it's from Juniata, read the first line of the e-mail and think, "Oh, maybe it's the results from my French skills assessment test!"

UM. NO.

It was an e-mail in regards to my piece on the Huffington Post, stating that it had been sent around to the politics professors at Juniata, and that one of them has extended an invitation for me to join his "PS 399 02 course on this year’s general election." THAT'S A 300-LEVEL COURSE? FOR A FRESHMEN?! OMG! AND I WAS INVITED TO TAKE IT! Holy crapoli!

Now I've got to e-mail my advisor, ask him his advice, and maybe also e-mail the professor of the course and ask what sort of preparation might I need, what the class entails, etc. If I decide to take it, I'll probably replace Astronomy — I mean, the class will miraculously fit into my schedule, but 18 credits isn't a very smart idea for a freshman. I'll keep you all posted, haha. :)

(And this reminds me, I need to e-mail Mr. Pope about the Huffington Post thing! He's the teacher who gave the speech that inspired what I wrote, after all. Oh man. hdijsfdk. Anyway.)

Lastly, in not-so-nice news, I met with the oral surgeon yesterday morning. I'm getting my wisdom teeth taken out on July 17th. Blech!

Back to the Backstreet Boys, now! See you around, you know, if I'm not blinded by my crazy!tears. Ahaha.

Last week was my last week of high school, and I graduated this past Monday. It was incredibly bittersweet: I was so excited for school to finally, finally be over — but at the same time, I realized that it was the end. I can be one of those kids who complains on and on about high school, what a drag it is, and sing high and low about how happy I am to move on. But truly, high school wasn't as bad as it could have been. No, I had amazing friends throughout the course of the past four years, friends that kept me grounded and drove me crazy, and amazing teachers who made class enjoyable from time to time. To think that now I'm moving on, moving to Pennsylvania — for Juniata College, officially — suddenly, this summer is that much more difficult. Every moment spent with friends is precious and special and blissful, but the moment we part I'm hit in the chest with the feeling that at the end of the summer, it will be a parting that doesn't last just a day, a night — but months. Part of me asks myself, "Why didn't you just stay in Lexington for college?" And I have to remember that I didn't choose college based on where my friends would be, but based on where I thought I'd get a wonderful education and college experience.



But I'm leaving my best friends in the entire world, the people who have helped to open me up and create a world here that I now know that I love. I'm afraid of not being able to keep in touch, regardless of Facebook and Gmail. I'm afraid of going to college and crying every day for a month because I miss them so much. I'm supposed to be excited for college, but the largest part of me is too afraid to care, too afraid to leave. The largest part of me wants this summer to last as long as it possibly can.



I know one thing: I've gotta make the most of this summer. I've gotta hold on tight, but I've also gotta be able to let go. It's onto the next chapter in my life, and I need to find the courage to turn the page.

---

Before I go, a little catch-up from the last entry:

• I turned in my paper about wizard rock and presented to my class, as well. Fifty out of fifty on the presentation, 95% on the paper. Yeah, I think Mr. Liimatta likes wizard rock now :) God knows I do, even if Harry and the Potters doesn't seem to think Kentucky has unlimited enthusiasm this summer.
• Obviously turned down NYU — as I stated above, officially am going to Juniata College. But there's an Amtrak station in Huntingdon, PA, where Juniata is (so random! in the middle of nowhere!), that goes right into New York City, so maybe I'll be able to go to RED events on various weekends or whatever! Go spend the weekend in the cityyyyy. We'll see, haha.
• Since my last entry, I have also done the following: spent three days at the country fair at my church, gone to Pride Prom (hosted by Lexington GSA — Vincent and I were the DJs, haha), gone to Lexington GSA and looked at pictures from Pride Prom, attended the first and second Summer Movie Classics at the Kentucky Theater (the first one being Citizen Kane, with Saskia, and the second one being City Lights, with James and Duffee), and gone to the drive-in over in Winchester for the first time (saw Indiana Jones — which was fun, though maybe a little too fantastical, even for Indiana Jones — and Iron Man — which was AWESOME). A lot of this stuff, I've done with Vincent, too, haha. I think I may be taking advantage of him and his hot Mustang convertible... but pfft. He likes driving. So it's okay. ;)