She's No Saint..

But she'll take you to your knees.

April 2008 - Posts

  • I know what I am not.

    I am not a fighter. But I am not a lover either. I don't make waves unless its necessary and I don't make problems unless someone is being wronged.
    I am not an environmentalist. But I want to save the world. I want to spread the love if you will.
    I am not a pothead. But I am sort of a hippie I suppose. Peace?
    I am not optimistic. I am a cynic. I think some people are disturbed by my view of the world, especially since I haven't had that much time to live it.
    I am not pessimistic. I am realistic.
    I am not the favorite. I am at the end of the line. The last one standing. The shadow in the dark.
    I am not the best friend. I am just the one that is always there.
    I am not famous. I am just known.
    I am not brave. I am scared to death. Of life. Of love. Of the future. Of the past.
    I am not healthy. But I am living.
    I am not a straight A student. I am just one of those kids that try.
    I am not someone who knows where Im going. But I am someone who knows what I want.
    I am not someone who will hurt someone. But I am someone who will live my life for me. Not you.
    I am not smart. I am someone who has common sense.
    I am not a believer. I am someone who just lives.
    I am not a writer. I am the person who writes what they feel.
    I am not a poet. I am the person who knows how to use words to their fullest.
    I am never the girl who is missed, mentioned, or thought of.
    I am never the prettiest girl in the room. But I am the one you remember.

  • 10-20 years from now..

    Im expecting alot to be different. Im also expecting to look back on right now, this very moment, and miss it so much. Im anticipating hating being an adult. I don't want to grow up! I want to be like Peter Pan and be 16 forever. In fact, I think that Peter Pan may just be my hero.. I know a few things I will enjoy though. Ill be on my own, not very dependent on anybody. Maybe Ill have figured out if I want kids yet. :] Or even a husband.. Ill have experienced alot of life, even though I think Ive lived alot in the last 16 years. I know that one day Ill be flipping through the channels and Ill happen upon Spongebob and Ill tell my (maybe) kids that 'I remember when this first aired.' And they'll roll their little eyes. Ill stop on some random channel because I hear someone mention Victoria Newman (anybody else watch The Young and The Restless?) and Ill think, I remember when she was in a coma.
     Im afraid that Im going to live as an adult missing my childhood. Like when someone you love dies, everything reminds you of them. And you'll burst out crying when you see their favorite book in the bookstore. Im scared that Ill hear music from Across the Universe and remember the first time I watched it with my best friends. Im scared that when I grow up, Im going to mourn my childhood. Like it was something I lost. Or something that I didn't quite finish living. Which is why I feel really determined to live it to the fullest. But Im not sure how I can do that. How can you fit everything in that you want to do before you turn 20? Or 30? How can you even begin to make that list, much less complete it? Most of all, I feel overwhelmed by the future. What am I going to do with my life? Will I be successful? Am I going to waste away my days in a corner office doing meticulous work? I can say that I refuse to do that now, but what happens when its my only choice? When its the difference between home or homeless? I don't want my life to be meticulous, or annoying, or lifeless. I don't want to hate life. But how can I know how to prevent that? How can I know what Ill want in 20 years? All these things, this is why I don't think about it. Because when I do, it gets out of control and ridiculous. How am I suppose to really live my teenage years when Im stuck in the future?