Invincible.

I am not a fighter. But I am not a lover either. I don't make waves unless its necessary and I don't make problems unless someone is being wronged.
I am not an environmentalist. But I want to save the world. I want to spread the love if you will.
I am not a pothead. But I am sort of a hippie I suppose. Peace?
I am not optimistic. I am a cynic. I think some people are disturbed by my view of the world, especially since I haven't had that much time to live it.
I am not pessimistic. I am realistic.
I am not the favorite. I am at the end of the line. The last one standing. The shadow in the dark.
I am not the best friend. I am just the one that is always there.
I am not famous. I am just known.
I am not brave. I am scared to death. Of life. Of love. Of the future. Of the past.
I am not healthy. But I am living.
I am not a straight A student. I am just one of those kids that try.
I am not someone who knows where Im going. But I am someone who knows what I want.
I am not someone who will hurt someone. But I am someone who will live my life for me. Not you.
I am not smart. I am someone who has common sense.
I am not a believer. I am someone who just lives.
I am not a writer. I am the person who writes what they feel.
I am not a poet. I am the person who knows how to use words to their fullest.
I am never the girl who is missed, mentioned, or thought of.
I am never the prettiest girl in the room. But I am the one you remember.

Im expecting alot to be different. Im also expecting to look back on right now, this very moment, and miss it so much. Im anticipating hating being an adult. I don't want to grow up! I want to be like Peter Pan and be 16 forever. In fact, I think that Peter Pan may just be my hero.. I know a few things I will enjoy though. Ill be on my own, not very dependent on anybody. Maybe Ill have figured out if I want kids yet. :] Or even a husband.. Ill have experienced alot of life, even though I think Ive lived alot in the last 16 years. I know that one day Ill be flipping through the channels and Ill happen upon Spongebob and Ill tell my (maybe) kids that 'I remember when this first aired.' And they'll roll their little eyes. Ill stop on some random channel because I hear someone mention Victoria Newman (anybody else watch The Young and The Restless?) and Ill think, I remember when she was in a coma.
 Im afraid that Im going to live as an adult missing my childhood. Like when someone you love dies, everything reminds you of them. And you'll burst out crying when you see their favorite book in the bookstore. Im scared that Ill hear music from Across the Universe and remember the first time I watched it with my best friends. Im scared that when I grow up, Im going to mourn my childhood. Like it was something I lost. Or something that I didn't quite finish living. Which is why I feel really determined to live it to the fullest. But Im not sure how I can do that. How can you fit everything in that you want to do before you turn 20? Or 30? How can you even begin to make that list, much less complete it? Most of all, I feel overwhelmed by the future. What am I going to do with my life? Will I be successful? Am I going to waste away my days in a corner office doing meticulous work? I can say that I refuse to do that now, but what happens when its my only choice? When its the difference between home or homeless? I don't want my life to be meticulous, or annoying, or lifeless. I don't want to hate life. But how can I know how to prevent that? How can I know what Ill want in 20 years? All these things, this is why I don't think about it. Because when I do, it gets out of control and ridiculous. How am I suppose to really live my teenage years when Im stuck in the future?

First off, anyone see the video of the US soldier throwing a puppy over a cliff?? Whaaaat is the point, and whyyyy would you even think about doing that? Its like, a foot long little thing, and he cant do anything to defend himself. So why? Their not sure if they video is real yet but if you want to watch it (I wouldnt recommend it but if you want to) go here. http://blog.peta2.com/2008/03/puppy_thrown_from_cliff_in_ira.html Make sure to sign the petition too.
Second, this is very depressing and horribly contrasts to what happened above but this morning, driving to school, a bird ran out in front of my and I sorta kinda accidently hit it. But, it was just so fast and seriously ran right out in front of me. DEFINANTLY not intentional. I was like "NO!" Because, seriously? What a horrible way to start you morning. I guess it just happens..
Now, my aunt and uncle have had this dog for like, almost as long as Ive been living. He was fourteen and my mom told me that he died.. :[ Sadness. He was like the oldest dog in history though so Id like to say that he out lived himself... So..

Despite the fact that there was a HUGE storm last weekend, (Not really) I have gotten my license. :] The story goes like this.
3 weeks ago, I had an appointment scheduled at the closest DMV to my town. Me and my mom went in to do it and they said that the weather was too bad, road conditions suck, blah blah blah. It was stupid. So I had to reschedule it for yesterday at a different DMV because I am so sick of the other one. (Dont even get me started about my permit.) And so we actually got to do it yesterday. And I passed with an 83%. Which actually is like just barely passing your last final in school. Seriously. Passing grade is 80% and up. So just think about it. I was 3% away from failing. Mannn. Nifty. Anyway. I love driving alone so much. Its just, so free! :] You dont have to worry about about mom or dad in the seat next to you pressing their foot to the invisible brake pedal on the floor. Its just great. I love it. But you know, theres a disadvantage too. Ive only have it for two days and then today after school, my friend knew I wasnt alowed to do it but still he asked, "Kali can I have a ride." I was like "Uhh. No." Im not looking forward to having people do that. But oh well. Thats what I get for being one of the first of my friends to get it.
Now, I have to get a job now that I have this new found freedom. So Ive been applying. And applying. And looking. And looking. But nobody will give me a job. What am I supposed to do? I have to pay for half of my insurance. I have to pay back my grandparents for buying me the car. I have to buy my own gas. I have to pay for a lot of stuff. But I dont have a job. So Ive considered learning some songs and sitting on the corner of the street and play my guitar. If Im good enough I should get some money right? Just kidding. But I dont know. Gonna have to keep searching I guess...
Anyone seen the new commercials for TRUTH? The ones about cigarette facts and stuff. They came up with new ones, they're really kinda weird. I didnt really understand them at first and then my brother told me that they made the commercials like that to show that tobacco companies make cigarettes and such appear appealing to children so thats what they are doing with their commercials, kinda to get kids to watch them. But they're a little freaky..
Anyway. I guess Im done now.
Bye bye.

My school board has deemed the GSA at my school over. They say that there is "No room for a GSA at DHS." My friends are livid, my mom is livid. Me and my mom have done our research and have found that we are within our legal rights to have a GSA at our school. If anybody has experience with this, please let me know. My email is PLEASE email me if you have any information or anything that could help me and my friends.

Despite the fact that she is a fictional character. And despite the fact the she died at 3 am on my birthday. I love her. I love her, my crooked neighbor with all my crooked heart. Better yet. I love John Green, and The Colonel, and Takumi, and especially Pudge. I. Love. This. Book. It makes me want to write about last words, and the labrynth of suffering, and white lilies, and high school pranks. It is most definantly the root of all my inspiration.

That is all. :] 

So I didnt even know who he was. And then my friend texted me and was like "Heath Ledger died." So I looked it up and apparently hes the one from Brokeback Mountain. Which Ive never seen before. And in the movie, theres Jake Gyllinghal (however you spell his name). So now I wanna watch Brokeback Mountain. :]

Thats all for now..
Oh yeah! Did I tell you guys about our GSA at my school? Well we didnt get approved for our posters. They were deemed to be "negative" and we were told to get the word out by simply telling people. Augh. Its so annoying. And now its Courtwarming week and all of the hallways at our school are all dressed up in certain themes and Im really mad because we cant have pretty colorful posters promoting tolerance among gays but they can put stuff in the hallways however they wish? Mad.

So Im currently in my new house. Surrounded by a few very expensive things. All of which I only inherited by luck. My grandparents retired and are at the moment traveling across the States in their shiny RV. Again, we got the house by sheer luck. First of all, the fireplace. Who doesn't want a fireplace? Their so fabulous! And hey! It ACTUALLY makes real fire. Unlike the one in my apartment that ran on gas and cost a bunch to do anything with. Then we have a big screen TV. The only reason they don't get it is because its stuck in the wall. :] My brothers excited about watching and playing football on it, me and my mom are excited about playing Guitar Hero 3 on it. :D Then we have the $400 carpet. It even has a name! My, my my. Its about 2 inches thick and is only a few yards long. Again, sheer luck. Last but not least, the 20 something year old grandfather clock. Again, inherited by the fact that its too big to take cross country. And of course the house is twice as big as my apartment and I can play music really loud now. And guess what? I don't have people banging on the walls all night! Yay! We also got 2 new cats. And my mom let me adopt a dog for my birthday too. We went to the Nevada Humane Society and got him for about $25. Hes a beagle named Fonzie. I know, cool huh? Anyway. Just unpacking now.. Bleehh.

Oh yeah. And Extreme Home Makeover is about 5 or 10 miles away from me. :]

Well, Im 16 now. Whoo. At the moment I am completely miffed. More miffed than one should be but ah well. Really all that makes me feel better right now, is the picture that my friend drew of me today. And the fact that I get a dog. :] It all started when I went to my 5th period after lunch and discovered that someone so inconspiculously taped a post it on my backpack that said "Its ok to be gay." Usually, Im not bothered at all by this because, frankly, Im not gay. But many of my comrades are and Im immediatly gay by association. Everytime. I attempted to not let it bother me. I put it on one of the balloons my friend gave me and didnt let it get to me. But it DID. So much. Because Im sick of it. Im sick of being labeled as gay. Because IM NOT. I support gays intensely. But I am not gay. Is it bad to accept gay people and actually NOT look at them with disgust? Is it bad to advertise my support? Apparently so. And I feel sorry for anybody who thinks so. And they'll have a metaphorical handprint on their face when we have our first GSA meeting. Im anticipating lots of ridicule. Too much in fact. But our school is due a revolution.
And I have some creepy guy constantly wanting to touch me.. And I yelled at him about it today. He acted like he was innocent. No.
Anyway.. Anyone know what kinda dog I should get?

Jordyn, oh Jordyn. You totally reminded me of what I forgot. 2000. Who could forget it? What a night. I wasn't very old either, 8 or 9. Actually, almost 9. The anticipation. The excitement! The world was about to change! We would be living off canned food for months, passing the time listening to the radio on good Ole Y2K. We'd have to wait for forever for life to get back to normal, maybe it never would. Everybody was all stocked up. Watching the TV with anticipation. Once that ball dropped, the world would fall into chaos. Its 11:55. Im tiredly waiting for this whole shin dig to get over with so I can sleep. And wouldn't you know it? I fell asleep. 5 minutes before the world was going to change, and I slept through it. For all I know, there could have been an almost tragic computer glitch that was caught just in time. Somebody could've been killed by their computer. But I wouldn't know. I was sleeping. *sigh* Its funny how we've been acting superior for years and years, yet when the year hits the 000 mark. Watch out! We go into survival mode. We act like its the 1800 again, when gays,women, and blacks were supposedly going to take over the world if they were accepted into the straight, white, mens grace. Now we've moved up to computers and technology. Wow. We've come along way haven't we?

This year is way different than last year. Last year I spent the night alone talking on the computer and posting "Whoo 2007!" on a Myspace bulletin. That was about it. I then proceeded to discuss the sadness of the situation with another friend in the same such situation. This year though, this year takes up a mass amount of interest and excitement. We shall go by time frames. :D
6:30 pm: Amanda calls me to tell me that she is leaving to go to The Warehouse. (The most awesome hang out that my dear old suburbian desert town has to offer. It is really fantastic.) I tell my mom that we have to go. We go. I drive. Still have difficulties driving in the dark but whatever. I get there.
6:50 pm: I stand in a huddled triangle outside waiting for the doors to open because it is freezing. We talk and repeatedly curse the gods for how cold it is. Apparently it was 27 degrees. Im not too sure about that. But it was cold.
7:00 pm: They open the doors. Im about the second person in line so I get warm quickly, but I look behind me and Amanda is waiting for other friend. Brett. Well known free loader but we love him anyway. Amanda is supposed to pay for his entry to our loveable house of worship. (Really, its a church on Wednesdays.) I see Brett inside already and phone her to tell her. Shes at the end of the line. Shes gonna hurt him. :]
7:05 pm: We are all in, it doesn't take long, and Amanda has forgiven Brett. We lounge around and then go to the bathroom. Now I am taking the time to explain the bathroom because, even though its a low budget place, their bathroom rocks. 2 walls are painted blue, 2 black. The stalls are  black and have old BMW hubcaps on them. I have no idea why that is so cool. Anddd. The best part of all, the soap is powdered! No kidding. Its great. Ive made it a tradition to make it snow on my friends when they are in there.
7:10 pm: We gather by the front of the stage. There are a few local bands playing until midnight and we all know its great to be right in on the action. We talk, and me and my California friend Lindsay scope out the people. Shortly after, the first band starts. They are named, Some Say Hero. All the way from Carson City, Nevada.
7:15 pm: The band has started. Its not really what I expected. I look around and its like the crowd has died. Theres people there, but nobody's moving. It reminds me of that one music video where everybody's bored and have theirs arms crossed.. Yeah. You get it. They had rigamortis.
My time frames start to get lost after the music starts playing so whatever.
Once the first band is done, the better one comes on. Not the best. But better than the first. Wayward. The crowd comes back to life. We all start MOVING. My friends sing. I don't know the band.. Yeah.
Next up, A House Cursed. (By the way. After every set, they auctioned off the band members to raise money and such. You could get a date with them or just get money to take your friends..) Anyway, to be perfectly honest, they scared me. :D They were a metal band. You know, long hair. Screaming. Mehh. Just kinda freaked me out. Not to mention that people actually started moshing. And I got sucked into it. Gah. I was scared. :D But I lived. And did some pushing and then got outta there.They finally got done with their songs and the lead singer was being auctioned. My friend Kendra bid $5. I doubt she expected to win. But, she did. Now she gets to go bowling with him! :D Hes actually a nice guy though. Not too scary. Just older. Like, 30..
After them, All Day Drive. I was tired by then, you know. You just want to sit down. So thats what I did. I was in the front row, and I sat down. The next thing I knew, the lead singer threw his water bottle at me. I mean, come on. They were boring. I was bored. I was tired. And he was throwing stuff at me. I mean, its kind of a bad sign when somebody gets so bored the they sit on the floor at your show huh? Maybe you should, I dunno, be more interesting? Anyway, my friends told me that its complete taboo to sit down at a rock show. Whatever. I don't really care.
Then, Dorcia. In my opinion, one of the best bands I heard. They were metal too, but more young, and cute. :] The lead singer was pretty. Lol. It seemed like they played longer but maybe thats just because I liked them better. There was moshing then too, but I was almost on the stage by then so I didn't get into this time. Just pushed people if they got too close. And with this band, I was actually surprised. I thought they were a rock band but the the lead singer just started screaming and I was like WHOA. Because hes more clean cut, and looks more rockish. But he was good. THEY were good.
Ok, now its about 11:10 pm. Almost time. The big band comes on. The one that everyones been waiting for. Victim Effect.
They are metal too, but they were different. A little bit of rock was pushed in there so that it was understandable and enjoyable. By now, I was the closest to the band. I could have reached up and touched the chicks keyboards. And watching them was just so cool. They had so much energy and they had a hook. They played about 3 songs and then it was 11:55. Glow sticks were passed out, everyone was watching the numbers countdown. The excitement kept rising. Then it started. At 15 we were all a little confused that it was starting there. 10 we yelled louder. 5 we were counting too fast, too excited to wait for time to catch up. 1 we all screamed. Then it flashed 2008 and we got the ooey gooey music going. But it was the good kind. And we were all screaming and there was confetti everywhere and nobody thought to say Happy New Year. They just wanted to scream and kiss each other and scream some more. All the girls who didn't have anybody kissed their friends on the cheek. Then there was a silence. Just kind of a hault to the screaming. Nobody was talking. Then I looked over and Brett and said "HAPPY NEW YEAR BRETT!"
Victim Effect plays their last song. They start it with a "Welcome to 2008." Name of the song: Boom. The band is done. The crowd scatters. Some to concessions to get sparkling whatever it was. Some to the back to get merch from the bands. Me and my friends just stayed where we were and threw confetti at each other repeatedly and said Happy New Year way too much. We wondered to the back and got some sparkling whatever it was and toasted, sorta. And then me and Lindsay walked past the lead singer of Dorcia too many times. We got free posters for Victim Effect and met all the band members. They were all so nice. The girl was awsome. Kinda the sweet, yet hardcore girl. I called my brother, he was sleeping. But he came to get me. My friends Erica, Laura, and Maria needed a ride but they were too far out of the way for me to give it to them, and we didn't have room. But Brett didn't need to go too far so we gave him one. Erica and the others got a ride with a band member in his cool car. I was happy that they at least didn't have to walk. Because, if it was 27 at seven, then it was way colder by midnight.
1:00 am: My brother finally comes and we drive Brett, we stop for icees. :D Then I explain the whole night to my brother on the way home.
1:30 am: We get home and my brother immediately goes to bed. I stay up and search for the bands I liked then went off to sleep. Yet there was too much of a buzz in the air and my ears were ringing so I stayed up and watched ANTM marathon.
2:30 am: I finally go to sleep after a long day.
Forget the fact that it was cold. Forget that I got dizzy a few times during the night. Forget that people were jerks. It was a great night. The best New Years so far. And I cant wait til next year.
So, how was everyone else's?

When my best friend wont let me. She usually rolls her eyes, or says, "Kali, come on." Like she knows better than I do that, Im not like that. Whateverr. Im just irritated about it right now. Ill write more tomorrow probably, or something.. Merry Late Christmas BTW.

Well, Happy Christmas Eve everybody. Whoo! Im home alone, which is kind of a good thing because, well, theres alot to do. We're having sort of a Christmas party tonight and I have to kinda clean, and cook, and prepare, and all that junk. Its not too bad though. One of my moms friends is coming over soon to have me sign one of the books she got her niece for Christmas. I suppose I dont mind doing it. I just feel strange doing it. Like, Im not important enough to sign a book, what are you talking about? Ho hum. I guess thats all. These dont HAVE to be long and drawn out! :D

Heyy guys. So lets go back a couple weeks. Me and my friend Candice were talking about living to be 100. And Im like, "I dont even want to live to be 70. Im only, what, 16 and I already hate the world. Do you really think I want to live to be 100?" Its sad really. Example number 2. This morning, while checking my email, I came across a scholarship opportunity. It said "SUM UP AMERICA." I guess what your supposed to do is compile a bunch of pictures into a math equation summing up America. So I went to the website and it had a bunch that people have already done and most of them had stuff like patriotism, pride, freedom, integrity etc etc. And Im like, "Ok.." Because the first thing that came to my mind when doing this was a) poverty. b)greed. c)freedom? That kinda stuff. And its like. Man. Im horrible. Because, I mean, yeah. I love America. FREEDOM! Braveheart. Yeah. Id rather be here than anywhere else. But at the same time its like, we kinda suck. Please dont put me in the brig! I promise! Theres no treason going on here! Its just another example of how pitifully cynical and... negative I am. About EVERYTHING. And I pretty much blame people. The human race is responsible. Not me. Uh huh. Just the world. (Sarcasm?) But if anyone has read my essay, Im sure they can get a glimpse of why I think like this. Because, to be honest, people suck. I have to tell my friend Bekah that all the time. Someone who is her friend is being moody and yells at her. Cue Bekah: "I thought she was my friendd." *Sad face* Cue Me: "Bekah, people suck. Thats it. Welcome to the world." I guess eventually everyone realizes this. I dont know if its a blessing or a curse that I have figured it out at the ripe old age of 15. Ho hum. I kinda hate blaming people for this. Because, its not really anybodys fault. Its just the way things turn out. Its human nature to be retarded. :] Of course I forgive people because Im retarded as well. See? Now I got myself on this HUGE rant and now I look like a terrorist, an anti-social high school girl, and an angry old lady with a lot of cats. Oh, and Im very stereotypical as well. *sigh* But honestly? Im not mean. Im not a bad person. I just get miffed at certain points in the day, complain to my friends about it, and then its over until the next annoying thing happens. Ok,ok. I have considered it and now I know what has fueled this rant. A combination of: Caffeine, tiredness, The Used, and Ohio is for Lovers. :\  Now that THATS figured out.
Hmmm. I really hope that whoever you are, you have given up on me. Id hate to waste your time anymore.. :o Well, if only for today. We'll see if Im more coherent next time.

Herm. So apparently a great few of you guys have actually written novels..? Thats fabulous. I mean, it really is. To me that would be a HUGE accomplishment. Because personally, I cant write something LONG enough. And stay on track with it. Ill eventually get bored and quit, or finish it by killing somebody.  :] Its a little habit of mine. Anyway, maybe I just need to learn how to write differently? Or maybe just stick with my lovely little short stories and compile a collection of them, as my mom has suggested. I guess it all just really depends on how much I grow with my writing and such. Which reminds me that I will probably take the Creative Writing class at my school next year. AGAIN. But apparently it has changed a great deal since the expiremental first year it was offered last year. Either way, Im hoping it will help me get back on track with my writing. Because to be honest, that was the only time I really stuck to a piece of writing and it was the most Ive ever written. Not to mention I LOVE the teacher. That was also the time that I had the most inspirational moments. You know what Im talking about. Your just laying there trying to sleep and you think of something.. Yes.

Onward then! Well, a couple months ago, my friend hit a girl. Just an innocent slap on the face but she got APEP for it. (In school suspension) So this last Wednesday, she got in another fight. Id first like to start with a warning, mostly to my mom, if shes reading this. (Hi mom) Theres cussing involved but its the story so yeah. My friend (Lets call her Amanda. Because, yeah thats her name) was in Creative Writing (The famously loved class! Yay!) and someone threw a pencil at my other friend (Shanleigh) and it hit her in the face. So Amanda says "The next person who throws a pencil gets it shoved up their ass." (Once again mom, its the storyy.) so this other girl across the room, (Meghan) whom I presume to be the one who threw it in the first place said "Shut up you fat ***." Which really, really offended Amanda, because she IS gay. So Amanda, being the peaceful person she is, goes over and says "What did you call me?" "You heard me." Little freshman says back. "Fat ***" So Amanda is seriously miffed now so she says "Id rather be a fat *** than a slutty straight ***." So Meghan's boyfriend gets up and says "Alright thats enough. Go sit down hippo." Can you believe it? So of course, this is the final straw. So Amanda reaches behind him and hits Meghan in the face. Meghan hits her back. Amanda hits her and Meghan fall over. They get written up and then bam. There they are in APEP. So now Amanda misses our Christmas choir concert, has APEP until break, and has a track record as a "Habitual Disciplinary Problem." Its depressing yet funny at the same time.

Hah. Thats the most Ive ever written really. Nicee. One more thing before I get back to my fabulous inspiration. Last night, Amanda came out to her little brother. Like, she was really worried about what he would think of it, but it turns out that he doesn't believe her. Psh. He'll come around though.